Deadpool Syndrome - Spider Soulmates

Chapter 6 - No Need To Ask, He's A Smooth Operator

***PETER***

"Um...okay," I say, scratching my head - God, I'm going to need a haircut soon. My hair's getting too messy, even for me. "Uh, hello, Kraven the Hunter. How do you do?"

Kraven's eyes turn into snakelike slits, as if to say, "Are you friggin' serious?"

"Don't look at him like that," Ultron says, nudging him gently with his feet. "I heard he always acted like a bit of a clown around villains. You should be no exception." Kraven mumbles something through the tape over his mouth. "What did you say?" Ultron asks, peeling the tape off none too gently. "Speak up."

"You should know all about being a villain," Kraven says thickly. His accent is, surprisingly, less thick than those of the Maximoffs - until he starts rumbling the first letter in "Rrrobot."

Ultron starts taking apart a nearby shelf in search of more duct tape. Because of his considerable size - nine feet tall with really big hands, sort of like Wreck-It Ralph - he comes dangerously close to knocking everything else in the shed to the ground several times. Gwen, Barton, and I are forced to retreat to the outside until he's done re-taping Kraven's mouth.

"I hate to waste so much of this stuff," he mutters, looking at the roll of tape with a critical eye, "but I've found that once you use it on a person's face once, the sticky side tends to lose much of its viability afterwards. Especially if that sticky side has facial hair attached to it."

"I, uh, take it you're speaking from experience?" Barton asks.

"You'd be surprised," Ultron says, staring into space. "It's a dark place for me, though, so I don't like to talk about it. You understand."

"Still, you're wasting valuable supplies," Gwen points out.

"Yeah, I don't really think SHIELD has an infinite budget for duct tape," I say, gesturing around the grounds at all the modern buildings around us. "I bet they've had to take out at least four mortgages on this place just to afford it. Whatever a mortgage is, anyway. I'm still not 100% sure how that works."

Gwen and Barton both snicker at my joke, and even Ultron barely stifles a chuckle. "Sometimes, you're such a boy, Peter," he says, his face forming what I'm guessing is supposed to be a charming smile. Unfortunately, because of his metallic construction, it ends up coming across as a creepy, slasher-type smile instead.

"Speaking of SHIELD," I say, trying to forget the horrific face I just saw, "why don't you tell someone you've gone and captured a bad guy for them?"

Ultron actually snickers out loud at this point. "Are you kidding me? If I did that, they'd cut Fury's funding faster than you can say 'immediate self-defenestration!'" He says that last part in a weird, British-sounding accent. "See, as you may or may not know, I'm a villain - or, at least, I used to be. But while I've had a change of philosophy, that doesn't change the fact that, as far as SHIELD's concerned, I should no longer exist."

"Because we defeated you, right?" Barton asks. "You and all your drone-clones?"

"You really gave me hell," Ultron says, crossing his arms. "And excellent, another memory's waking up - from my movie this time, I'm guessing. Is there anything else you remember? Anything important? Perhaps involving death?"

"Are you saying I'm supposed to be dead too?" Barton asks, completely disbelieving Ultron's words.

"No," Ultron says evasively. "Not you, anyway." He clears his throat - not that he actually has to do so - then continues, "But back to what's more important. I'm not supposed to be here. If Fury's superiors, the World Security Council, knew that he was allowing me to work with him...well, like I said before, they'd slash his budget. Because they have their own agenda, and that agenda has no room for the likes of me." He gives a conspiratorial laugh. "And who knows? Fury may be the Big Good, but the Council fancies themselves a Bigger Good. There may be a so-called 'Biggest Good' out there too."