Since, A Novel

v. ITCHING IN RAGE TO BE CONSUMMATED

v.
ITCHING IN RAGE
TO BE CONSUMMATED

              October 2023. Yūn looked at her little sister, busy drawing, too engrossed to answer whether or not she wanted to come with her. The girl said it would rain, and that she hated the rain. But Yūn knew that little Su knew how to use the Weather, and it did not indicate any sign of rain or drizzle. She watched her use the broken crayons still, having left unopened the new ones that Yūn got for her last week.

          "Please?" she asked, "There'll be playgrounds,"
The girl fetched the green crayon.
"I need to finish. Rainbow Dash is hard to colour;
she has many colours," she held the paper up, showing it to her big sister.           
          "See?"
     Yūn got on her knees, took her time, and looked at it closely. And it was rather clean; all the colours were correct; stayed inside the black outline.

          "Wow," she expressed in delight. "My little Su is so
good now. Do you want another colouring book?
Like that one?"
          "Thanks, sis. But no, this one's not finished; I still
haven't done Fluttershy, and Sunset." the girl politely said.
          "Well, okay," she gave the kid light chuckles. "but
you can even choose when you come with me."

     Giving up, she walked to the park again, alone, as she would always, all convinced that her little sister was really big then. Yūn tried to think about the times she has had with her, but could not find a scene when Little Su had developed a sense of consideration to little things. Then there was a flood of questions: when did that happen? What goes on in her mind? What does she think? It made her smile.

     She was nine when she was one. Little Su's sweet breath and tiny, delicate hands and boba eyes—despite the small, dark room of poverty—were all younger than  day on Yūn's head. Little Su's little whimpers; all she did was cry and all Yūn did was perfect the way she held the babe, as to her, she was and is the most precious. She held it better than anyone else, has been with her longer than anyone else.

     Yūn became a sister and a mother. Isla, their grandmother and the mother of their absent father, took them in when Isla realised that her son had a different family. Yūn had thought that that is the always of things. Not entirely a desensitisation; she grew up with pretty acute responses; she listens, she notices, she considers, she can't afford to be reckless (yet), she's mad when she needs to, she'd rather smoke outside than raise a voice to Little Su, she'd rather understand her than completely recognize her own self, her identity, because were there things to recognize? Someone? And, you know, she'd rather tell the truth to Little Su about everything she knows, every time the kid got curious and asked where their mother is, why their father's first kid called her daddy and Little Su called her father, she'd rather tell the truth but was the truth ever there? What is there to tell? She lets her little sister grow up with freedom, more importantly, practice being emotionally unrestricted, and maybe, Yūn would see what herself would be like through the Little Su. She yearns. And those are all her just-because. Because that little girl needs her, and if there were more important whys and wherefores than her, she'd have known.

     Little Su was correct; it did rain a little after a while, and too lazy to get the umbrella, she walked in a rush to the bookstore where she'd always gone to, as it's also the nearest place that's not always crowded, quiet, mostly, or maybe because it was Sunday. Already five books from that bookstore are on her shelf and it goes on for the last months since little Su had lived with her, who influenced her with the spending of actual books rather than those she paid for and read online. With almost all corners and sections of all different genres committed to her mind, it was quick for her to look for children's books, and the place also sold various colouring books.