IT'S JUST A CLICHÉ

chapter two

No one ever talks about how hard it is living with anxiety, I try to imagine at what point did it all go wrong.

At what point in my life did I start questioning my worth, questioning the beauty both within and out of myself. When did it become so hard to wake up in the morning.

When did meeting knew people and saying hi make me me feel like I want to wrench out all the contents in my stomach. They say comparison is the thief of joy, and it truly is. I know I'm not your type, not your type of girl. You like pretty and bold and dashing and I am none of those things.

I'm a paradox, I sometimes feel like the world is in my hands, that there is nothing I can't do, and sometimes I shut down I think the world is too loud people are too bright. In times like this I usually feel like running away to a remote island with no one on site, in times like this is where I start living in my head in stead of reality.

If I can't understand myself who can, but ohhh how I love it when you call my name, when you pull my hair instead of telling me to stop, the list is endless.

Why didn't you like me? Why did you make me feel special only to choose her? And this is not me being delusional you actually said it, you told me that you liked me, that you wanted me to be yours. Woe unto my delusional heart!

But this hurt I can't shake it, to me it feels like the world just stopped and to the world it looks like just another cliché.

I sit sometimes and wonder will I ever completely move on and no longer have open wounds but scars. Will I hold on to this pain until it becomes a part of me ? Till it ruins any good thing that will ever come my way?

I don't think I'll get there, I don't think I'll make it, I was in love with you for more than two years, and I still I'm deeply much so. I used to think that my first love would be magical, that it would burn so brightly and snatch all the air out of my lungs.

But it wasn't, my first love was painful, my first love was heaven and hell at the same time, but regardless if I was told to choose again, I'd still choose you .

You over everyone else, and the sad part is, I know when it still  comes to friendship you still don't value me the same way I value you.

I think I need to go to a foreign land and go off the grid for two years.