IT'S JUST A CLICHÉ

chapter one

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat, it seemed impossible to escape you when you infiltrated every part of my life. When I slept I dreamt of you, when I was awake something would remind me of you. The pain was unbearable, I couldn't take it anymore, nothing has ever hurt me this much and yet not a single tear had fallen from my eyes. I wouldn't let it, I wouldn't allow myself to break down, to feel weak and cry over someone who never loved me. I know you didn't mean it, but what do I know, I'm still in denial. But my heart still craves for you, it craves for your smile, for your slight head nods, for the glimpse in your eyes when you talked about the things you loved . But I craved even more for something I never felt from you, I craved more for your touch and you never have once touched me, I craved for your love, the love that's just more than friends. But I knew, I knew since the day I fell for you that we could never happen, but that has never stopped me from adoring you in every way. I would have taken care of you, nurtured you, and treated you so well. But why do we crave love this much, this aching desire to be cherished and to mean so much to someone. Maybe that's what makes us feel alive, when we still haven't found our purpose yet. What I feel for you is more than love, a feeling that cannot be described, and yet I find it so sad that the people who don't love us are the ones who teach us so much about love. Sometimes I imagined to myself you felt the same way, that in a parallel universe you were mine and I was yours. That our love was so loud that it silenced people in the streets, that we shared an apartment, that I was your reason to smile and your reason to wake up in the morning. I coined so much of these moments in my head that sometimes I fear that I actually don't love you, that I love the one in my head and not the one who's standing in front of me. The one who sees nothing but a friend, but I also find the word love too bright, too loud for my quiet heart, maybe I fear that my first love is someone who doesn't feel the same way, or maybe because I have never actually received it from anyone. Maybe I feel understood by you in a world that is always judging and hateful, in a world that I'd rather stay in school till late at night than come home, in a world which has taught me that I'll never be enough, in a world that has taught me that I can also be too much and not easy to handle. But you are also a part of this world, but you are nothing like that, you are my safe heaven, my little hidey hole, you've saved me in so many ways and also broken me in a million more. It's sad that there is nothing you can possibly do that can make me stop loving you. Even when you have humiliated me again and again, I'll still be by your side, lifting you up and making sure you'll be the best you can. Some people would call that attachment issues but I'd like to call it just me, it's just a cliché like any other. Because if you really truly, genuinely and honestly loved someone, that love can never just die, because if it can, was that even love to begin with. I have a lot on my mind and now I'm late for class.