I woke up..

Under the Stars

Notes: I have no idea what I'm doing, and am most definitely not a writer.

Tw!!!! This story has mentions of suicide, death in general, Sh, and so on.

Staring up at the dark sky covered by stars, my breathing became steady. Finally, I was far enough away from the city to see them. Far enough that my brothers won't find me when they come looking.

Laying on the cold soft grass, I try to think of the good days. Before our dad died. Before shredder. Before the krang. But it's so hard. Sure, we had good days during all of that. But even then, there was always the stress or worry about everything in the back of our minds.

I wipe away tears that covered my face only for them to be replaced by more.

After our dad passed, everything became so different. I barely see any of my brothers anymore. Leo likes to stay in the dojo most of the day, either meditating or training until he physically can't do it anymore. He was always the closest to sensei, spending most of his time with him and with him being his favorite son and all (Sensei would always deny it, but it was so obvious to everyone), he took his death the hardest.

Raph was angry. Angrier than I ever thought was possible. But I guess watching your father get stabbed and thrown off a building by your arch nemesis, right in front of you, would make it possible. Raph is always going out now. Never to the topside, just roaming around in the sewers somewhere. (That I know of anyway). He stays out there for hours, and when he comes back his knuckles are always multiple shades of red or purple. Sometimes covered in his own blood if he overdid it... I don't exactly know what he does out there, but I know better than to question him while he's this angry. Learning the hard way of course. No one speaks to him or even looks in his direction until later when he comes back from whatever he does. It's the only time you can speak to him safely after he has burnt out some of his fury for the day, which seems to recharge during the night. But normally when he comes back he goes straight to his room with the door shut, and won't come out for the rest of the day unless it's to use the bathroom or get food for himself or Chompy.

And Donnie? Well. In what comes as no surprise to anyone, Donnie stays in his lab all day, every day. I only see him walking around during the night, and that's usually to fill up on coffee and eat the leftovers I leave in the fridge for him. I don't exactly know what he does staying in his lab all day. When I walk by, sometimes I hear him making loud noises while working on something, and other times I don't hear anything at all.

I, on the other hand, have been struggling too. But not in the same way the others have been struggling. I loved Sensei. And I'm so sad that he's gone... but my problems are a little different. For a while now I've been having these voices in my head. Voices that tell me things that I don't want to hear. Things that I haven't been able to ignore lately.

You see, before Sensei passed I was able to distract myself from these voices. I had my brothers to annoy, bad guys to fight, comics to read, friends to hang with... You know, all the fun stuff. So during those times when my brothers would say mean things, or I messed up in some way, and these voices came, I had plenty of things I could do to get rid of them. However, some days were worse than others in that nothing would help. And when that happened, I would stay in my room and pretend I was sick so that I wouldn't worry my brothers. Being happy and cheerful is my thing. So being super upset is just not something Mikey does. And I knew, that if I let it show that I was upset, my bros would be on my shell nonstop, trying to figure out what was wrong. And well..keeping everything hidden from them is just easier then having to explain what's wrong with me.

And now, with everything going on and everyone being so distant, I no longer have those distractions...

I need my brothers. I need my friends. I just need someone. But every time I tried to talk or hang out with my brothers, I would either get yelled at or be completely ignored... And every single one of my friends weren't even in New York anymore. For now anyway. April and her dad brought Casey and his little sister to the farmhouse for a few months to recover from..everything that had happened. The Mighty Mutanimals went to Japan with Karai and Shinigami for some secret mission. And Ice-cream kitty, who now goes by the nickname Cream, was turned back into her normal form after Donnie made some more retro mutagen, and is now free to go wherever she pleases. Being stuck in a freezer for as long as she has, I don't blame her for wanting to go explore again. She's happier that way.

Soooo, to put it bluntly, I have pretty much been completely alone for a couple months. Stuck in my own mind. And it has been terrifying.

But it ends tonight...

As I slowly pushed myself up from the ground into a sitting position, tears still flowed down my face as I looked at the bottle of pills in my hand. I take a deep breath as I open the bottle and pour all of the leftover pills into my hand.

"Sixteen pills..that will work."

With my gaze fixed on the bottle, I take another deep breath. I weirdly feel calm. Relaxed almost. Like all the weight on my chest was slipping away.

Embracing this feeling, I stuff all sixteen pills into my mouth at once, facing the sky with my eyes shut tightly as I try to force myself to swallow. It took a moment before I was finally able to do so successfully, which had unfortunately allowed some of the pills to dissolve in my mouth leaving a gross slimy taste. Gagging slightly, I do a quick shake of my body, then slowly lie back down to gaze back at the stars once again.

Not long afterward, I felt really woozy and my head was absolutely aching. I tried to sit up again thinking I was going to throw up, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't move. My heart felt like it was going to rip out my chest with how fast it was going, and I began to shiver with how cold I suddenly felt.  Then slowly, everything started to go numb and I went back into a relaxed state as the ringing in my ears became louder and louder by the second. Watching the stars, as everything gradually turns black. 

This is it. This is how my story ends.

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