Suicide Pact

Chapter 1: Don't make promises you can't keep

March 2013

Tyler stands in front of my flat when I step outside, I do a double take at his presence here. I look at him uncertainly, I haven’t seen him for several years until this moment and he doesn’t look so good. “Ty...?” My voice is hesitant, like I’m afraid he might startle if I speak too loud and to be honest looking at him he actually might.

He startles me by meeting my eyes with an extremely intense expression, like one where you can feel the holes being bored into your head. “I want you to help me die.”

I stare at him astounded. Did he just say that? A voice in my head is screaming at me to run away but there is another part of me, a part which is too afraid to let him leave disappointed. This has to be some sick joke though, I should tell him where to go but looking at his devastated expression I don’t really believe this.

“You can’t really be asking me to....” I trail off staring at him incredulously.

“You promised Steph” his voice is low and serious, his eyes are full of hooded reproach as he notices my unease.

I flounder lost, caught under the dunking waves of the sea which keeps pushing me down when I try to find my way up and out. “I... Yeah, I did but you can’t...” I take a deep breath Don’t push him over the edge. “You’ve just sprung this on me rather suddenly that’s all.” I try to sound calm and reasonable and not like I’m trying my hardest not to run away and searching for any escape out of this mess. Yeah, I deal with suicide talk every day, this is totally normal... Who’m I kidding?

He shifts his feet backwards and forwards, like a caged lion restless to get out, pawing the ground ready to charge and seek its escape at the slightest opening.

My mind whirrs as I watch him. What do I say? How am I going to get out of this? ...You can’t! A snide voice of reason corrects, then he’ll just do it without you. I wish I could shut off the cruel voice of logic in my head but grudgingly I accept that it is right.

“Um... how soon were you wanting this to take place?”

He stops the movement of his feet and stares up at me with wild, almost black eyes, “How soon can you assist?” His voice sounds slightly formal but I realise that he is trying to contain his emotion.

“Well I’d have a few things that I would need to get sorted first” Yeah, like living the rest of my life “... and then of course we’d have to decide how...” I trail off trying to think of anything else which might stall him on this decision.

“OK then. So, when?” there is an immediacy and desperation to Tyler’s voice. Whoah!! Slow down there buddy!

I frown, wanting to say a month or something like that to give me plenty of time but I am afraid that stating too large a time frame will result in him taking matters into his own hands. “Well, can I think about what I have to do and call you on Wednesday?” That’s only two days away, you idiot !... No, no it’s fine, I haven’t agreed to anything... ‘yet’ adds a cynical voice.

“Ok, Wednesday.” He gives me a curt nod, and moves off decisively like he is looking forward to something.

 I feel my stomach clench sickenly as I realise what I have just agreed to and what he wants to do.

Oh fudgecakes! What do I do now?