Sturniolo triplets - Oh To Be Loud (Matt-centric story about mental health)

The Letter

To Matt

Hey loser. I'm gonna say right of the bat that this was in no way, shape or form your fault. My decision's got nothing to do with you or your stupid ass putting itself in danger and getting hurt. I made my choice and I made it for me and me only.

With that out of the way... I guess you'd want and explanation as to why I did it, but honestly, I don't think any reason I can give you would ever be good enough.

In short, I was tired. I've simply had enough. I did not like the person I was but wasn't prepared to change. So I took the easy way out and I'm okay with that.

I know my decision was selfish and affected other people, yourself included, but I guess I'm just that much of an asshole and couldn't accept this as reason enough to keep trying.

I hope you get over it soon, or like, go to therapy or something.

What I wanted to tell you was this; I know you've been through a lot and there's more shitty things coming your way because this world is simply horrible. Bad things will happen and you'll try to find meaning in them to cope, but the truth is that there's no hidden lesson or a bigger purpose to such pain, it's just how life is sometimes. I hate this world and the people in it and I think that having anxiety, depression, etc. is a completely normal response to the disgusting system we are forced to live in. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept it, surround yourself with good people and try doing your best to help others around you. Take things one hard step at a time, one shitty day after the other.

I know this may come across meaningless from someone who couldn't do the same, but it is what it is. But while I chose to exit, you are not allowed to do the same. Sorry, I don't make the rules, it just is how it is. The universe and the entire existence of everything is so unimaginably long and we're here for such an insignificantly short amount of time compared to it that you might as well stick it through.

Every time your thoughts get too loud our you can't breathe, find something else to focus on. Count backwards from one hundred, subtracting seven at a time. Picture your ideal house. Identify five objects around you and come up with names for them. Whatever works. Then go find your brothers.

Lastly, if you don't like something about yourself, improve it. If it's something that can't be changed, stop wasting energy thinking about it and accept it. Life is hard enough without adding self-made problems into it.

I'm sure there's more shit to say, but right now I can't think of any so... yeah. I guess that's it then. Continue to struggle, bitch.

Love,

Rue