Just What I Needed

July 5 (Pre-Dawn)

Dear Nicholas,

Last night was so scary. Just when I was starting to really appreciate Nate, I thought he was gone too.

I drove our car again. I wasn't even sure I would remember how to.

The ride on the way home was eerily quiet. No one wanted to talk about the accident but dad was extra cautious, taking a few extra seconds at each stop sign.

I would rather have walked but it was too far from the hospital at this hour of the night and I didn't want to let Nate out of my sight.

I don't even know where to start processing this. What a summer, Nicky!

I miss you so much. And I love you.

Love your overly-stressed and exhausted sister,

Jordy

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"Your aunt and uncle will be arriving tomorrow afternoon," my dad said as we exited the car and were making our way up to the front porch steps sometime around three am.

"Your aunt and uncle?" I asked. "Are you going home?"

"I called them as soon as Nicholas was admitted to the hospital," my dad replied. "They want to come and see him. It's understandable, given the circumstances."

"As soon as Nate was admitted," I corrected him. I didn't mean for it to come out so harshly.

My dad nodded and averted his eyes. They were tearing up but he was trying to hide it. The slip of the tongue was an indication that the accident was on both of our minds.

So this was it then. I had spent most of the summer taking my anger out on him and acting like a crazy jealous fool and now he was going home.

"Good night," my dad turned to Nate. "I'm glad you're alright."

"Thank you, sir," Nate responded. He gave my dad a nod as my dad walked down the hall to go to bed.

The two of us were left standing in the living room by ourselves.

"I --" I wasn't sure I wanted to share with Nate what I really felt. I suddenly felt self-conscious. It was easy to express my feelings of anger to him but being vulnerable about not wanting him to leave felt so much more difficult.

"You'd better get some sleep. It's been a long night," Nate said.

I nodded.

What I really wanted was to return to that moment in the hospital when he was holding me. It was reassuring. It felt safe.

He followed me down the hallway toward mine and Nicholas's rooms. As I opened my bedroom door, I felt his fingertips gently brush my arm.

"Don't worry, so much" he whispered behind me. "Sweet dreams."

I didn't turn to face him but I could hear the curl in his lip and even though the hallway was too dark to see, I knew he was wearing that crooked smile of his.

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