Just What I Needed

May 24

TW: This book contains descriptions of sexual assault. Reader discretion is advised.

Bang!

I groggily opened my eyes and wiped the drool that had seeped from the corner of my mouth.

"Damn it," my dad pushed his chair back from the desk in the room across the hall. I knew that sound of frustration all too well lately. He's lost another online poker game.

Pushing myself up from the bed, I smoothed out the plaid comforter and gave the pillows a quick fluff.

I had laid down on my brother Nicholas' bed after coming home yesterday, exhausted from pretending to function at school all day. I hadn't meant to fall asleep so early, let alone sleep until the following day.

Nicholas' room is in disarray. A pile of clean clothes is folded on his desk chair, still waiting for him put them away. A pile of dirty clothes, heaped on the floor by the door, waiting for him to wash them. A day that will never come.

I can't bring myself to wash them, as if there's still some essence of him alive in those clothes. I'm not ready to lose what little I have left of him in this world.

A sharp nerve zing descends from my hip to my knee as I turn to leave the room.

The hallway is dim with a sliver of light emanating from the room across the hall. Just as I suspected, my dad is slumped on the leather office chair, hair disshelved, head in his hands and the gambling site on the LCD screen. He's still wearing his work clothes from yesterday. His tie is loosened from his collar but he hasn't removed it since getting home last night.

I spent the entire afternoon and evening sleeping, and he's spent it awake.

Shaking my head at the sight of him, I hobbled toward the bathroom to shower. I had to get away from this depressing house.

"Hey," a familiar voice drifted to me over the muzak in our local mall an hour later, disrupting my dissociative state of staring aimlessly at the ebb and flow of people moving around in the food court.

I turned to see Holly by herself, two shopping bags in each hand.

"Hi."

"Can I sit with you?"

"Sure."

Holly offloaded her shopping bags onto the chair beside her and plunked down across the table from me. The bangles around her wrist made a jarring clank as she rested her arms on the table between us.

"I'm having a party tonight."

"Oh. That's nice."

"Well, you should come. It might be good for you to come out and hang."

"Um, maybe," I kept my eyes unfocused on the general movement around us. I think back to the hushed conversation she was having with Kari a few weeks prior. They were standing in the school hallway, directly across from my locker. They didn't think I could hear them. Kari didn't think it was a good idea to invite me.

"I'd really like it if you came. I miss you," Holly reached out and touched the back of my hand, forcing me to focus. Her hot pink gel nails looked freshly done. "Please say you'll come."

For the first time, I looked right at her. She had large gold hoop earrings on that complimented her long golden curls.

Why did I choose to sit here? I really didn't want to go. If I hadn't been sitting here, she wouldn't have seen me and I probably would never have known or been invited to the stupid party.

She smiled, expectantly waiting for my response. Her smile seemed genuine but her eyes had the same concerned look that the hospital nurses had when they were trying to be upbeat and cheerful even though I could tell they really just felt sorry for me.