Review completed by Nikachu22. This review is for paulineholmes_02's Haunted by the Past.
Main focus: Character development and impression.
In the first part of the book (prologue), I felt there was a lot of information dumping which drug out the story a bit and gave it a flatline type of enjoyment. Once I could make it through the information, I found that the character movements were quite enjoyable and I would have liked to see that lead. I think people who enjoy Sherlock Holmes, they'll find him more likable than others that may not know about him. I think this requires some basic knowledge of SH because there were references that pointed to the characters in their original stories.
What you'd want to avoid is placing too much information. You want to hook the readers and you actually did a great job with the first sentences. You gave some action and his current state (held hostage), but then came the detail that I felt took over. If you desire to remain true to their characters from their original works, then add more unexpected interesting situations that you, as an author, decide to put them through.
Striving for more character portrayal would be a good thing because, in situations that require more from a character, there is a lot of room for that character to really harvest what they're going through. Being captive and expressing it. Strive for a balance. Some information can be told at a later time or something's don't have to be told at all, because at that moment, feeling the character is the best route. This will help fanfics and help readers that do not know SH. You can thin out what's appropriate and what's not. Tell more by saying less.
The first chapter really opens the book up to what's to come and introduces the character's personality for growth.
As I kept reading, I got to chapter 4, I noticed that a large portion of the chapter was dedicated to his hatred towards his body. I understand the required detail needed to show his dislike for himself, but I felt there wasn't enough of what it does to him. Capturing readers and making this sort of pity for him as he has fallen off his prime, but you don't want to have moments of repeating the same thing.
You noted what he thought about his belly and his insatiable appetite in the second half of the chapter, but then it became a whole focus. When he went to the kitchen he again had an unhealthy obsession over his stomach. I'm not sure if it's an over-exaggeration of dislike for one's self, or if is it a normal human expression to be that obsessed. What you can do here is instead of focusing on how he looks, but what the hatred of his image is doing to him.
Introduce his hatred for his body when John gave him the plate only to then have him end up in the kitchen and this is a crucial moment for him.
I'd add things that physically affect him rather than describing his body. Let's say we take the part where he gets the fridge open and the pastries are all there looking lovely. You stated his stomach is growling severely, and he can't take it anymore. So what does this fed-up emotion do to us physically?
Our hearts may race, minds might begin to fall apart and the desire to have something in our mouth may cause our mouth to water. The phycological approach to the food. Here he is having a crisis and you turn to the hallucination to better support his crisis, but it would feel more character relatable if you focused a little on him.
Take this small rewrite with me attempting to ground him a little and bring out more emotions. I will not be writing word for word and editing your story. I'll just rewrite the scene entirely.
Revision below:
Sherlock approached the sink, tired hand brought out to grasp at the cold glass to his left. He turned on the tap water, filled his cup, and then gulped the cool liquid in one swallow. It felt good, the sensation that held his stomach was like a bottomless pit and the water helped cool the urge.
He had eaten, to his knowledge of belief. Slamming the glass on the counter, he doubled over, holding the object within his palm tightly. Why had he chosen to lie to himself and believe that this would be enough? A frown kills the very wasted thoughts of successfully thwarting his hunger.
The heavy churning in his stomach was a day-by-day plague and he couldn't stop but try and beat it. Hatred within himself was enough to keep starvation as his motivation. He felt weak and being in the kitchen granted him no sign of relief. Looking in the mirror, he had seen a monster he didn't know. The sunken cheeks, pale skin, and drained eyes were nothing to compare to the blob that danced around whenever he moved. His old clothing no longer fit, but he held onto them in remembrance. What use to be. The grumbling reminded him of why he was the way he was now, and he pushed it aside with the little strength he had. All those calories he had consumed to compensate for the spiraling of his mind.
A sudden crack in the glass filled the empty room, and his eyes popped open to dart toward the object. His large fingers were shaking, the pink hue of his palm turning white against the glass. Utter turmoil, whenever he found himself focused on food. An addiction he neither could escape nor think healthily of. Regret filled him up and he sighed as he knew he had been in the place that often caused him tears.
The glass relinquished from his grip, pin, and needles suffering his hand as he turned towards the large white object. Face riddled with ridicule and sadness, eyebrows down, and mouth vibrating. He looked away from it as to tell it to stay away from him, but the object never moved. Again his eyes fell upon the door handle. It was calling his name. A sin he knew nothing about, but the urges of retching beckoned him.
There were things no matter how hard he tried to live without and this is one of them. Sherlock could no longer take it. Hours and hours without food felt like an eternity. He crept his frame over to the large white box, his warm hand engulfing the handle sending a shiver down his spine. The heavy grumbling in his stomach intensified and he slowly pulled open the door.
A beacon of light came peering through before his eyes set upon the various colors of delicious foods. The reflection of the items filled glassy eyes and the smell of one particular sweet dominated over the others. Sugar. He picked up sugar and his eyes glistened, scanning until a plate set at the bottom shelf took full focus.
Pastries.
"You know you'll regret it..." A sudden voice behind him called. His heart sank.
End
I only read the first 5 chapters plus the prologue. I'm trying to find the plot twists. Something that constantly hooks a reader and keeps the story engaging. I didn't find one, rather I read the chapters for what they were and what the characters were going through in those moments without cliffhangers and anticipation of what to expect in the future.
Your writing is beautiful and you really know how to write with informative detail. Overall enjoyment for me would neither be high nor low because as I do enjoy characters emotionally falling apart with suffering that we all could relate to, I found the story's constant slow drift to leave me a little bit bored. Bring out the warning you placed in the blurb. Bring out the emotion needed to support the title of the book and even without plot twists, will this story shine a lot more. Give that impression and really invest on looking up how real life humans feel about themselves/what they go through physically in the process. Harvest this and fell it and then use it.
Put it through Sherlock because he has everything needed to carry the weight. He just needs a little more push. I don't know if you're trying to remain close to his personality or not, but he is going through something so, it's ok to stray from it. You could use the straying for character growth. Falling apart to getting back together (if that's how the story goes.)
There are so many relatable things in this story. How the human body works and thinks. That no matter how much we are loved, we must also love ourselves to see it. That power struggle is something that is so strong and common. I love that you took characters with so much reputation/respect/love and decided to place them into this struggle.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your story. I really liked the overall idea of the book. It's beautiful and it takes a lot of emotion to do what you're doing.
