|Never Let Me Down Again||Joel Miller|

Chapter Twelve

Caroline watched as the fire cast flickering shadows across his face, highlighting the tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Take your time, Joel. We don't even have to talk about it if you don't want to."

"No, no, it's ok." He said, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "Her name was Sarah."

"That's a pretty name."

"Yeah, I know. I chose it." Joel said, chuckling. "She loved music, and to draw.  Didn't really have a knack for sports, though. I remember the time she tried to play softball and she tripped right over first base.  Never saw that kid in cleats again."

Caroline saw how talking more about her comforted Joel, so she prompted him to continue. "What did she look like?"

"Well, she was pretty average height, not too tall, not too short. Had these big dark brown eyes. She always hated them, sayin' they were too dark to be pretty. I loved em'. She couldn't see the way they lit up every time laughed at one of my stupid jokes. She had all this curly hair. I had to learn how to do every hairstyle a little girl could ever ask for when her mother left."

"Her mother...left?" Caroline didn't want to push the subject, but she was also curious.

"Yeah, just a few years after she was born. We were never married, her and I, but we tried to stay together, tried to make it work. I just think deep down inside she didn't like being a mother. One day I woke up and all that was left was a note on the kitchen counter."

"Joel, I am so sorry."

"Nah, that's nothin' to be sorry about. All she did was hurt Sarah, anyways. It was probably good that it was left just her and I. Sarah really kept me in check, you know. If it wasn't for her, hell, who knows what I'd be doin'. She made sure every bill was paid on time. She'd go grocery shopping for us on weeks that I was too busy to do it. She never once was late to school, and somehow pulled off some insane grades while also holding together a household. It's a shame, she grew up too fast."

Joel sat there, staring at the fire for a few moments before continuing.

"You know, Caroline. I held her when she died. Felt her lungs take one last breath. She was coughing up so much blood, hell I was covered." His voice had begun shaking, and his tears resumed. "I tried to hold together the gunshot wound as tightly as I could. Tried to hold her skin together with my own goddamn hands. I knew I lost when she looked up at me with those eyes of hers. Filled with fear. When they closed, I just lost it."

He was weeping at this point, not getting through his sentences without choking on his tears.

"Joel, you can stop. It's ok." Caroline said, reaching over and putting her hand on his thigh.

"I don't really remember what happened after that." He said. "I wouldn't let go of her. Tommy and I walked for miles, heading for the safest place we could find. I carried her the whole way. We eventually made it to a government checkpoint, a place where they were taking in survivors. They made me leave her."

He stopped talking, taking in the sights of the fire, wiping away his tears. Eventually, Caroline's eyes became heavy and she knew it was time to sleep.

"Goin' to bed, Joel" She said as she got into her sleeping bag.

He silently followed, getting into his and rolling his coat into a pillow. They both laid there in silence, taking in the sight of the stars hanging above their heads.

Caroline looked over at Joel, who was still awake. She didn't realize that there was such a dark side to his past. If they were back in high school, they would have found a way to fit into one sleeping bag, and she would have held him while he cried. Now, she was forced to watch as he struggled while recounting his past.

"Joel." She said quietly.

"Yeah, Caroline?"

"I'm sorry about your daughter."

He rolled over to face her. She felt her heartbeat grow quicker, as she was worried he might not want to continue talking about it.

"Thank you." He responded. He sat there for a while, looking in her direction. She watched as he drifted off to sleep. Caroline, on the other hand, couldn't fall asleep for the life of her. She tossed and turned, yet was too wired to fall asleep. It wasn't because she was scared of being in the middle of the forest at night, yet it was that she couldn't stop thinking about Joel. His story was so deeply heartbreaking, and she hadn't once suspected that he had a child. She sat there, thinking about everything else that she could have missed in his life as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

Caroline awoke to the sun beaming into her eyes. Good, she thought. It's time to get to work. She rolled over to where Joel had fallen asleep, and his sleeping bag was empty, leaving him nowhere to be found.

She sat straight up, panicking that she had slept through something and that he was gone.

"Relax, I've just been keeping watch." He said as she turned around to find him standing, holding a gun at his chest.

"God, Joel. Don't scare me like that." She said as she threw off her blanket and got to her feet.

"What's our game plan?" She asked.

"I talked to Tess this morning. She didn't find any trucks either. She's headed back on the lookout. Wanna do the same?"

"I don't see any other option." Caroline responded, frustrated that they would have to spend yet another day on the lookout for a truck. She reached under her coat to get her gun, and secured it in her belt. "Ready?"

"Ready." He replied as they both headed off in the direction of the road.

They both made their way back to where they were stationed yesterday.

"Look." Caroline said, pointing to the road. "Our tree branches are still intact. Nobody must have come through last night."

"Let's hope today's the day." He said as he plopped down behind the bush for cover.

And there they sat as the sun rotated in the sky, awaiting the sight of a truck barreling down the road. They didn't speak, only sharing the flask of water they took on the trip. Once the day had proved to be unsuccessful, they headed back to their spot in the woods to rest up for the day ahead of them.

Like the night prior, Joel had made a fire and they both crowded around it in hopes of restoring some of their warmth.

"I guess it's my turn to share my dark history, isn't it." Caroline said as they both settled into their sleeping bags.

"Only if you'd like."

"I bet you're wondering how I know so much about FEDRA."

"Well, of course I am."

"I used to work for FEDRA." She looked up to see Joel's expression change from curiosity to disbelief. She hoped that an explanation would wipe away his fears of her still having connections to them.

"When the outbreak first happened, I had nothing. I lost all my family and I had nowhere to turn. I was fighting my way out of a mess that I had gotten myself into when a FEDRA officer recognized me as a good candidate to work for them. I saw it as an opportunity to always have food on my plate and a shelter over my head at the end of the night, so I took it. I worked there for about two years, slowly climbing their ranks. I eventually got to see the evil side of them. The way they started to treat people in the QZ was something that I just could not stand for. So I deserted. I left my post and ran. I've spent the past few years just doing what I know best, doing shady business jobs for shady people." She took a deep breath and looked over at Joel. His face was blank, which could be a good thing or a very bad thing.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that." He said, while reaching over and placing his hand on her knee.

"It's alright. Just do me a favor and don't tell Tess. She's already got it out for me, and if she finds out that I'm an ex-FEDRA officer, I'll be dead meat."

Joel playfully zipped his mouth shut with his fingers. "Caroline, I've been meaning to tell you this but I really think that-" He was cut off by the beeping of his communicator. "Speaking of Tess-" He said as he answered.

He talked for a second then excitedly jumped up out of his sleeping bag. "She's found a truck."