FEEL IT ALL

Chapter 1 - Starting line

Shivers...the cold air hitting the deep tissues of my skin, even that I could feel it, I could feel my own breath hitting the oxygen of the room around me. Lights are dancing like a ballet on the walls, I feel shaken like someone was trying to wake me out of a dream, I could hear faint screams, all I could distinguish was my name.. Ashley....Ashley... they repeated, those shadows moving like an infant with ADHD in front of my eyes, god make it stop I felt nauseous by all the movement... Dark, after all the ballet of movement infant of me it all went black, for days... or at least that's how long it felt to me.. "finally you're awake ! Do you fuckin realize the piece of shit you were putting me into" a young man screamed, I recognized his voice, it was Val, a good friend and a good provider when I was running out of my magical powder.. That powder that make you see stars, the powder that made me feel all good, as if my mother never left, as if my dad didn't shoot himself in the head in front of me when I was five.. As if I had never started this shit. 

If you didn't catch up yet ? I'm Ashley, turned 18 today, and to bring you to today's events... My dad shot himself in the head when I was five, I can still remember the drops of blood exploding on my face, the sound of the bullet going though his skull before hitting the wall. Afterward my mom left me to rot alone when I turned 14, saying I was old enough to live alone, she was a whore anyway, those women's of fifty you see on the streets selling their ass to get a penny to buy cigarette and alcohol, momma is an alcoholic, I remember her laying on the couch with the tv infront of her, bottle in hand... And as the clock tricked midnight she would get up, take off shirt and pants to go out in the streets leaving me alone in the dirty ass apartment that she never took care off.. 

When she left life was dark and I was unclear to what I was doing, I was hanging out in the streats... went through some deep shit back there, got beat up, raped at least three times before I met Val. He offered me to stay at his place, I'd just have to help him sell some of the powder, in the streets it was easy you just needed to not get caught by the police. Honestly ? Got caught so many times he ended up keeping me at his place for free, well that's what he says, but I don't know if having his friends take powder and then forcing me to the bedroom counts as free ? Apparently it does. I arrived at his place when I was 15 and got abused by his friends since then, growing up I ended up accepting my faith, after all, when you take the line of powder you don't feel the pain anymore of when they force it into you. Started young, 16 years old and I already had that powder up my nose, I've done it all, from weed to cocain, from LSD to PCP also known as Angel dust.. does hold his name well, took that as my starting line.. felt like a piece of heaven in my life of hell. 

"Ashley ! Hello !!" Val screamed getting me out of my mind, I snapped looking at him, I had a dirty black shirt filled with holes, I was just in my panties on the couch "Get out Ash, told you last time ! You nearly overdosed again, you gotta leave, you gonna get me in some real deep trouble you bitch.. And my friends are getting tired of you, your cunt ain't as tight anyway you ain't worth nothing", well once again got threw back in the streets, ain't the first time I end up alone. I didn't talk back begging for mercy, I just nodded, I still felt numb anyway, "you got an hour to change, take what you need, and go" I nod as he walk out the room. Well shit, again ? I'm use to it by now, I sit up from the couch my body feeling like it's ten time it's original weight, walking to the corridor to get to the room to change felt like it took hours, everything was heavy from my step to even thin- what was I saying again ? Oh yeah thinking was heavy. 

Changed into some random ripped pants I could find, smelled the shirt, smelled like weed and cigarettes.. I had nothing else to wear anyway. I was a mess from yesterday, as I walked to the broken mirror, I had bruises all over my neck from last night.."Stop ! No !" I stepped back nearly falling as a flash back came to me.. that's the danger of Angel dust, the flashback of what you did when you didn't get control of your own body. I caress the bruises on my neck and bring my hands to my mouth as I start crying... Val was out of the house already, no one could hear me now, I screamed remembering last night... I remembered.... no no no... I can't remember I don't want to remember ! I took my hands taking the pants off to my knees, I passed my hands to the back of my ass..taking them back from.. I can see myself screaming, begging for mercy, crying of pain remembering Val's friend hitting me, cutting me, burning his cigarets on my bare skin. 

I fell to the ground looking at the traces of blood on my hands.. I don't want to remember, I can't, I don't.. I.. forget it please forget it.. it's fine im going to leave and start somewhere else right ? I can't continue like this I cannot stay here... I look at the time realizing Val was going to be home soon and probably throw me through the window if I'm still here. I got up took my bag filled with a pillow, a random dirty hoodie and some joints.. I ran out pulling the pants back up on the way, tears still running down my face as I ran.. all I could do was run wasn't it ? All I could feel was the cold air burning on my skin, as I ran faster to the nearest closed road, as I arrived to my old little spot next to the trash and the toilet from an old bar that closed years ago I fell to the ground. My face pale, tears running, my hair filled with filth and dirt, my eyes feeling heavy...  I just wanted home.. oh but I didn't have one. All I had was Val and even him let me down. During that time I don't know how long I slept since last night as the moon was already showing it's peek, I had forgotten how scary the streets were when the night came. It was cold, I placed the hoodie on me trying to warm myself up from the freezing air of the town. All I could see was the fading light from the streets and the road cars. 

Crackled were heard in my ears waking me up in the deep of the night. I shot my body up, before having the feelings of my head spinning like a carousel. I placed my hands on my head before I saw a silhouette appear.. No one ever lived in the streets of Val knowing the danger of these streats, I begged "Val please... I'm out of your place.. d..don't hurt me" tears rushed to the brim of my eyes as I felt my heart pounding. "Didn't know this street had someone already" I heard a faint voice.