I was drowning in her kiss. The intensity of it filled me with sensations I'd never felt before. I taste her and I realize I've been starving. I have loved before, but never quite like this. I have kissed before, but never did it consume me like thi...
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"I hate you because normally people have a sense of predictability to them. Usually, people are easy to interpret. To read." Alea shouts.
She's shouting out at me in the middle of the road, in the middle of the night. And it's about to rain.
Yet I don't seem to care about that. I hang on to every word she says, like she's jesus christ.
"But everything about you? Is erratic. I never know what I'm going to get with you and I hate it. It's exhausting and what's even worse, is that I can't stand being around you. You make me go crazy. I can hardly think straight when I'm with you."
I don't know where she's going with this.
"Alea-"
"You hurt me more than anyone else. And yet, and yet— I can't seem to want anyone else as badly as I want you. And I loathe myself for it." She breathes.
Her face is flushed and it looks as though she's embarrassed by her own words.
Her words are so soft and genuine, I'm taken aback.
I'm standing here. Dumbfounded.
I'm trying to find the words to say something, anything. But I can't.
My chest still hurts with the mixed emotions of anger and sadness and guilt over my brother. How wrong I was. How stupid.
I'm ashamed of myself, I could hardly look at him after knowing all that I've said to him, it was unforgivable.
I'm unforgivable.
I'm so hopeless, I wanted to try to fix things with Alea. I thought maybe I could fix one relationship rather than ruin any more, because that's what I do.
I ruin things. I ruin people.
But here Alea John is, confessing to me that she doesn't hate me. She hates herself for not hating me.
She hates herself for wanting me.
"Alea. I ruin everything, I-" I attempt to say as I get closer to her, closing the gap between us.
"I know." She cuts me off, moving closer to me.
We're inches apart, our noses almost touching. I can feel her breathing heavily, she's nervous.
