The screaming.
That is the first thing I remembered. After that it was movement. I was being pushed from something. It hurted a little bit, but it was a pleasant feeling. It was the pain of the living.
But the pain died and with it the darkness too. I saw light and I felt a change of temperature. It got a bit colder, but not cold enough, for I had never felt like I was freezing. I was being lifted in the air. Gone from the warm and comfortable space, up into the view of everyone else. I wanted to go back, but I would not achieve anything by doing so. I had to stay strong. Keep myself together. So.. I did not cry. Not even when they dried me with a towel and tried rubbing life into me. I did not like that.
They checked my heartbeat, my breathing. Everything was fine, so they put me in my mothers arms. Her arms radiated love. I hate love. That was the first feeling I remembered. I hated it, I despised it, but cry because of it I did not.
When I finally was able to open my eyes, I saw my mother. Looking with some strange look in her eyes at first. But then her look changed. The corners of her mouth curled downwards, her eyebrows got closer to each other and she started panicking. Her face grew distant and I felt different hands carrying me now. Then a new face got into view. First curious, then with disgust as well. Their faces told me that it were my eyes.
Some very fluctuant conversation started. Emotion was thrown across the room. Eventually I ended up into a new pair of arms. A man in a black tidy suit, black glasses and black shiny shoes. He looked at me. Turned me around and nodded. He smiled at me. Then he walked out of the room, leaving me behind in the arms of my mother. I started hating this. Her. The doctors. Everything about this room. The whole world. But I had no explanation for it. And with that hate, I started feeling fear. Not me. No, the fear that others had for me. It gave me some kind of energy. A rush. The hate and fear gave me energy. Love I would despise. That is how I was born and how I always would be.
