Disarray

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Greatest of Them All? | Team Fortress 2

Spy stares at the sad, defeated face of Scout and wishes he could see that typical smile instead. The smile he always pretends to loathe. The toothy grin he always flashed, always so full of himself. But how could he make that happen? And how could he be so selfish to wish for such a thing after all he's done?

Or more so, what he hasn't done.

Spy sighed and Scout mimicked him.

"Je suis navré," he finally spoke, hating being witnessed by a different pair of eyes when his voice came out so softly. "I have never meant to- It was foolish. I was foolish. And... I assume I still am."

"You mean a coward?"

"That's a better fitting word, yes. I am a coward."

"Wow, big news."

"Shut up- If you just. Could you just allow me to speak? I can't think like this..."

"All right then, talk."

Spy was uncomfortably aware of how his hands shook, how weak he must've seemed and how Scout's eyes stared back into his own.

"What are you so sorry for then, huh?"

"It was unfair... what I have done. You didn't deserve anything like that. You deserved better treatment. I was scared. And, if I'm being honest, I still am. I am terrified, I can't sleep, and sometimes I can't eat. The regret is... consuming me from the inside."

"How does this concern me?"

"You're right, it doesn't."

"Then why are you telling me all this?"

"Because-" He stopped himself from raising his voice and paused, his finger pinching the bridge of his nose. "Because I am failing at finding the right words. I told you to let me speak, I will get to the point."

"Sure, whatever, like I care." Spy closed his eyes for a few short moments, only to open them and stare into Scout's burning gaze again.

"Merde... I made you go through unnecessary things. I made you end up here. It's all my fault and it's killing me to watch you die over and over again because you felt the need to do this. It's killing me to watch you fight for the attention no one gives you, that someone who was supposed to didn't give you. I failed you and I failed your mother. I can't not agree with the things you keep calling me. While I would also hate to ever admit that."

"So I'm right then? I'm better than you?"

Another sigh from Spy.

"That would be the case, yes. However, you shouldn't be so boastful. It keeps getting you into more trouble and I am losing my ability to witness that. Scout I need you to understand-"

"What?"

"You are enough. You are not a failure, you didn't fail anyone. It was me. C'était moi. You are strong for going through all of that. You always have been and I want you to know that. I'm proud of you, your mother raised you well.

"So well, sometimes I think maybe you were better off without me in your life at all. But I cannot leave now. I cannot live knowing you'll keep dying and going back into the fight. I cannot live knowing you will forever keep blaming yourself, forever keep trying to impress someone undeserving of your attention. You are better than that. You are better than me. You might come off as self-absorbed... and you probably are... but thankfully you're not as selfish as I am.

"I accept all of your gestures and words, kind and unkind as if I was deserving of them. But I can't stop myself. It- it feels pleasant and yet I hate myself for it. I... I see you, Scout. I see you when you're doing a great job and I feel proud of you. I see you fail and I want to make sure you're okay. I see you manage to get along with others, somewhat, and I feel glad I didn't manage to break you completely.

"But I also see you when you feel unsure of yourself, when you are hurt, when you feel broken.

"Scout, you don't believe it, but I see you. All the time, no matter what. And I wish you could believe that."

The piercing blue eyes, full of hatred and pain, stared daggers into him. And yet what hurt the most was seeing the remorse in them. Suddenly, he felt so small, his regular demeanour was tossed into the rubbish bin. No one was ever supposed to see him in such a state, that would result in the other's immediate death, Because it's easier to hide than to go and face the real problems, right?

It was his job, after all. Hiding was what he was best at. The only thing he seemed not to fail at. Most of the time, at least.

"You know this changes nothing, right?" And Spy had to shake his head in annoyance.

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"Then why are you telling me this? Why bother? Why now?"

Too many questions. It was too much, everything was too much and Spy hated feeling the odd pressure in his eyes. However, he held his ground and didn't let any tears to even see the light of day. Why should he? Why let anything change? Just more questions adding onto the pile...

"I do not know, Scout."

"You always pretend to know everything."

"Yes."

"You're just full of shit, aren't you?"

"Yes. Yes, I am. You seem to be too, however."

"You're turning my own insult against me now?"

"And exactly what do you expect me to do, Scout? I am trying."

"No, you're not and we both know that! You're just a stupid coward afraid to get his fancy-pantsy shoes dirty! You're such an asshole, you know that? I don't understand what my ma' could ever see in you. I mean... honestly..."

"Trust me, I'm asking myself the same things."

"You want my senti- sentiment or something?"

"No. I would like your acceptance but I know I would be asking too much. How could I ever undo what I did to you? I can't... But it is my greatest wish."

"I don't know... Maybe you could try actually talking to me, for starters. Or just... shut yourself up with cigarettes like you always do. That's what you're best at anyway."

Spy watched as the reflection morphed back into his own.

"Je suis navré," he said again, watching his own lips move. Then he shook his head and covered his eyes with his gloved hand.

The laughing of his fellow teammates reached his room and he had to take a deep breath. He failed his son and it kept him awake at night, along with the feeling of selfishness whenever he felt proud of him. He didn't deserve it. Neither of them deserved it.