Questions

Where did my father go when he died? And why do I still miss him so much, when he's been gone a whole year? I keep asking people, but they never answer me, at least not well enough for me to understand. They say, "Don't be sad, little girl, he's in a better place!" or maybe they tell me, "Don't worry Angie, you're only eight, and when you grow up, you'll understand!"

But why do I have to wait? I miss him now! I need to understand now! Mom misses him too, I know, but she hates to even talk about him. That makes me sad. I think talking about him makes her miss him worse, but I need to talk and understand.

I asked everybody I could think of about this, and they don't seem to know much more than I do. They just shake their heads, and sigh. Usually, they change the subject, which tells me they're sad too. Everyone is sad, but no one understands why, as far as I can tell.

I talked to my grandma, and asked her where daddy was, and she told me he's in heaven. She doesn't know where it is, except, "out there" someplace. It's where God lives, and all the good people that die. But she said I can't go there and visit, unless I'm dead too. That doesn't seem fair! I've not been bad, so why shouldn't I be able to go, at least for a short visit?

I've spent many hours crying, hiding in my room, so mother won't see and be upset. I did not know that your eyes could hold so much water, before my father died. I cried at times, before, like when my pet hamster, Louis died, or when I fell off my bike, and hurt my knees, but those tears dried up quickly. I wonder why that is? Of course, I'm glad to not cry like this over everything...how would we do anything, if every sad thing made us cry so much?

My friend Alice thinks I'm being too much of a little girl, because I told her how much I cry. But she's never had her father die! I bet she'd cry just as much as me, if that happened to her!

I've been thinking a lot about what my grandmother said, that I could go see my father if I was dead. I really want to go and visit him, so I guess that will be the only way. I asked the smartest person I know, Tommy Jacobs, how I might die. He's almost ten! He thought I was sorta stupid, being a girl, if I didn't even know how to do that.

Anyway, he gave me several ideas. Some of them scare me...like running out into the road, when a car's coming. I think that might hurt really bad. I'd probably think the same about jumping off the house, so I decided that the best idea was to just get in the bathtub, and breathe the water. He said that wouldn't be so bad, especially since I like being in water. I do love to swim, and the bath water is nice and warm.

That's what I decided, so I've gotten my clothes off, and a nice big tub of warm water ready. It feels so good to sit down in it. Mom knows I'm taking a bath, and I locked the door, so she won't have to be bothered for a while.

Ohhhhh! The water feels so slippery, when I slide down under it. I tried it, but I want to float up. That won't work! Let me turn over, so I'm face down. I'm so excited, that I'll soon see my father! I can't wait to be able to tell mother about it!

Well, all I have to do is breathe out, and breathe in, while I'm under the water. Soooooo easy, breathing out, now in! Oh, my! That feels awful! Nooooo! I have to stay under! I want to see my father! That's better...It's not so uncomfortable now...it's...getting dark? I wonder why? I'm so sleepy...this is nice. Father? I'm coming! Soon...it's dark...wait...what's that pretty light? So bright...so...beautiful...

                                                         ©2011 Jack Bessie