The Disguised Confessions (Ongoing)

Chapter 13: The Choice That Defined Me

They say it's the choices we make that define us. But right now, I cannot even fathom what "choice" means.

I know, it literally means the power, right, or liberty to choose.

However, simply knowing its mere meaning is not enough.

And what bugs me is that choices 'define' us. Like, just by simply choosing what to buy between your favorite chocolate cake or a hot denim jeans, you could already define who you really are?

No. Choices have a deeper meaning.

We make choices to be someone.

We make choices to know how strong we are.

We make choices to a become better person.

We make choices to define ourselves.

And today, I'll make that choice. The choice that would define me, Hikari Hanazono.

After having some heart-to-heart talk with Sai the 'Good Friend,' I came to realize how stupid I was. For 4 years, I haven't even had the confidence to tell Takishi the truth. And that sucks. 

I decided to find Takishi again. 

Where is the guy I fell inlove with?

Where is the bestfriend I wished I never had?

Where is Snow White's saviour?

Where is he? 

Where is Takishi?

Sai is right. I should be brave enough to face the consequences. Life is unfair, so deal with it.

I walked downstairs and found Takishi standing infront of the gym door.

"Hey.." I said.

"Hey Snow White! Told 'ya. You can do it!" He comes near me and taps my head. 

*blushes* "Uh, geez.. T-t-thanks..You really helped.." 

"No Problemo. I guess this calls for a soda and a shawarma! Treat me then." He demanded. 

Well, I've got no choice. Maybe after buying him snacks would 

I must do this. I shall confess. Hikari, shall confess.

"Okay! How 'bout Ayano?" I 

"Oh yeah, I haven't bumped into her after the role assignments. Hmm. I wonder where she went?"

"Um, yeah, she disappeared out of the blue. We should find her. She'll be exasperated and maddened if we don't invite her in our celebration."

 "Yeah. Hmm, where do we go first then?"

"We should go to the main gate. I bet she's waiting there."

By now, you could imagine me and Takishi walking past the bleachers and classrooms, talking about nonsense -- just to clear up this awkward and toxic air around the two of us. I wanted to confess, really, but the right words aren't coming out. I wanted to say, "Hey Takishi! I love you!"

.

.

.

.

But, what would he think of me? Maybe, he'd thought of me as a creep. He'd think that I'm madly obsessed with him (which is, I could say, partially true). He'd think that I'm a stalker (oh, the spookier one). He'd think of me as--

Wait. This is abso-freaking-lutely not appropriate. 

"Be brave enough to face the consequences."

That line just struck my heart. Sai is right. I should not be 'thinking' of what would happen after I made my confession. If I truly love Takishi, I would't care about the aftermath it'd cause. And that's it. 

"Umm, Takishi..." I start the conversation. 

"Hm?" 

"Umm, I have something important to say to you.. Please listen.. And nothing would change after I say this, right?"

He just nods.

"Takishi.. I've been.. i-i-nlove--"

 "Hey Sai!" Takishi greets Sai, who just went out of the classroom. 

Then everything I've stored in my mind just goes away.

"O-o-oh hey!" Sai replies and I catch him looking at me.

Sai just enters my confession scene out of nowhere. How lucky of me! Maybe, he wasn't the Good Guy Sai after all!!! Even interfering my grand revelation of love, when he was the one who motivated me to do it! Tch! What a traitor!

"Um, can we talk for a sec? I forgot to tell you something earlier.." Takishi explains. "And, Hikari, can you save what you'll say for later?"

I just nod. 

Nod. Nod. Nod.

I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. From all of these confessions that turned into excuses. From all of these feelings that remain concealed and unknown. From all of the words that I should have blurted out right from the start. 

I know some of you maybe annoyed now.

I know some of you would think, "What a stupid Hikari! She can't even say the magic words!"

Well, if you were in my position, could you tell your bestfriend? Could you tell him how you didn't thought of your relationship as being friends? Could you tell him that every single day he just completes your whole being? Could you tell him how his smile just breaks away all the sadness and weariness in your heart? Could you tell him.. Could you.. Could you tell him that.. You love him?

It's easy for everybody, I guess. It's just, I wasn't part of that "everybody."

I think I waited for 5 minutes outside after Takishi talked to Sai in the classroom. Hmm. In 'Hikari with Takishi time', it was already 5 years. 

"Hey. Sorry if I had made you wait. I just told him an important school matter. Umm, What is it that you're going to say? I've been inlove what?"

"Oh.. N-n-never m-m-mind! I've been inlove.. Inlove of being Snow White! Thanks to you, I was really motivated and inspired! I think I got into her role!"

Lies.. Lies that had become a part of her being. I was still that girl who found lies enough to cover what she really feels. Even if it comes to that turning point where those lies would soon turn to be called as a truth.

.

.

.

We didn't find Ayano after that. Maybe she went home after all.

We still continued our celebration. 

Even if it hurts like hell. 

I still haven't made the choice that defined me. 

And I still don't know if making that choice would set everything right.