CAN'T HELP BUT FALL

stupid. dumb. idiotic.

My head was pounding.

He was standing right there with a glass of water in his hand.

"Good morning" he said.

"Hi. Good morning." I said looking up with a foggy vision.

"How did you sleep ?" he asked handing over the glass to me.

"Thanks. Like a baby." I answered.

"Wait when did we get home?" I peeped in my blanket as I saw myself still wearing the jeans from last night.

Memories started flashing but it was all blurred.

"You don't remember? We came on the bike. We returned very late."

"Oh. I was really stoned wasn't I? This headache is a proof enough."

"Keep drinking water. It'll go away."
he said still smiling.

Wait why is he smiling? We're friends again? Is this a dream?

The light is too much - it must be a dream.

He snapped his fingers infront of my eyes and said sarcatically "Am I that pretty?" fluttering his eyelashes.

I laughed and replied "Oh Yes, drama queen. Moreover, you look even prettier in real life"

"So what the hell is this? A dream?"he asked jokingly.

"Yes of course. Because, I guess we aren't talking in real life." I said.

"Wait -- you don't remember?" He asked with a horrified look on his face.

"Remember what?"
______________________________

No. Tell me this isn't happening.

_______________________________

Why did he act like that?

With my pounding headache and drowsy state - I just can't seem to process thoughts anymore.

I remember the bar...the martinis...someone named Lina...and his smile when he was dancing with her. The same smile that softened my heart into a cotton ball for the whole minute it appeared today morning. The same smile which disappeared and took away all my happiness. The same smile I can get lost in forever - but I can't. I'm not the one to have that privilege.

I am stupid. I know it. It was not a dream.
I blurted out all the wrong things.
Dumb. Stupid. Idiotic things.

What do I not remember? I don't remember when I got home. However much I try to. What happened yesterday?

If I can say such dumb shit just by being hungover, I dread what I must have said being drunk...

Why'd he walk out? He looked - sad? disappointed? angry?

I hate how the only person I can share every thought with is the same person - I just can't seem to understand anymore. Yesterday was a stupid idea. Just like that night. Just like that kiss.

Is it ever going to be the same?
Is it ever going to be any better?

_________________________________

I locked myself in the room. Immediately falling to the ground. Tears. I couldn't stop them. I deserved this pain. But, I never deserved her.

..I...I took advantage of her...her being drunk.

I can never forgive myself for this. I should have known she might forget. That's she won't be conscious about any of it the next morning.

I knew it was her first time drinking but...I didn't think...didn't think that...

Fuck.

It's all my fault.

I need to leave.

I can't hurt her anymore.

What would she think when I tell her about this? I can't.

She loves me.

I do too. But...

I'm not good for her...I'm leaving....

I started packing my bag up.

That's when I heard a knock on my door. I ignored.

Then a knock again.

Then continuos banging. I opened.

Her figure stood like a silouette - only her eyes were shining and looking up in mine.

Her face didn't hold the elegant demeanor she always maintained. She looked tired. But then she looked torn -
when her gaze set on the packed bag on the bed.

But her face stayed emotionless. Numb almost. It was her eyes that showed grief. And a single tear, she wiped off in one swift motion.

"Are you leaving, Abeer?"

"I have to.."

Tell me to stay. Hold me back. Please.

"I know"

---------------------------------------

He put on his bag and left.

All alone.

I grabbed the sheets with his smell still on them. And apologized in all my muffled cries.

What terrible thing had I done? I hate that I can't remember it. All this pain for what? I broke down. Even he looked broken. I did that.

I wanted to know what happened. Scream. Grab him by his collar and kiss him.

But, I couldn't stop him. Can't hold him back anymore.

What a pathetic fucking attempt at love.

And I lost it all in the end.

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