Ryder

thirteen

Brooke was gone.

She was really gone by the time I went back to my dorm, nearly nighttime by then, after all the tiring events.

She wasn't there, which wasn't the thing that surprised me. No, it wasn't just her. None of her things were there anymore. Her side of the room lay bare of her books and her stationery and her clothes even. The bed was made but it was empty and so was her part of the closet. The only thing that remained of hers was the moon-shaped lamp that her dad had brought over once when he'd visited. It sat right there on the sidetable like it always had. But Brooke wasn't here.

I was, to be fairly honest, left a little in shock for the first few minutes.

Because she was just gone and I was finding it hard to believe. Brooke was gone and there was nothing left of her here. My roommate was gone.

I couldn't however, have just stayed there and waited for her to come back, especially since I had this dreadful gnawing feeling in my gut that she wouldn't be returning anytime soon. It was a gut feeling and even though I wasn't usually one who believed in gut feelings (only because they just came from my paranoia), this one was pretty strong and believable. So I gathered my things once again and headed back outside.

By the time I stopped by the offices, the receptionist, I could see, was a little bewildered to see me again when I'd been there just hours ago to drop off my form along with Nico. When I told her about the situation in my dorm and asked if she knew anything about Brooke's sudden disappearance (because surely, Brooke must've informed someone), she told me that she'd received no such notices.

Brooke had left and hadn't told anyone that she was leaving.

Except for Soren, I thought. Soren had somehow known that Brooke was gone. He'd been desperate and panicked and had asked me to apologize to her.

My dorm room was still empty and quiet when I returned and I told myself to not overthink. Maybe Brooke will return tomorrow. She cared about her classes, couldn't miss one for the fear of bad grades, and wouldn't just leave all this for...for the guilt, would she?

And maybe Nico was right. I should just let her be. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault, right?

I didn't get my answer that day because Brooke didn't return. Not that day or the next day or even the day after that. I slept alone at night in a room devoid of Brooke's voice and her presence and her usual chatter, and as each hour passed by more fear gnawed me from the inside.

Nico was as clueless as me when I told him of Brooke's sudden disappearance, though he wasn't as affected as me. Nico and Brooke had been friends but they'd never been as close as I had been with Brooke. She'd been my roommate. We'd spent late weekend nights watching movies and sharing snacks in the middle of the night when I hadn't wanted to go back home. She'd been there for me whenever I was seconds away from pulling my hair out after phone calls with my mom.

I think she understood me. A little, if not all. She'd helped me move past the new-place jitters when I'd first moved towns away from home. She'd been there for me. She hadn't ever told me to grow up and get my life together whenever I'd drop dead on my bed after enveloping myself in a comforting haze of alcohol. She would always just be there, cover me up with a blanket, and admonish me softly in the morning before giving me a glass of water.

She had been there for me.

And now she wasn't.

•••••

A meeting's notice was emailed to me and the other few volunteers who'd signed up for the Christmas piece the theater and the music kids were putting up this year. It was a short email sent to me by Professor McAdams, short and polite, yet I still read it at least a hundred times. It was stressful enough to leave me restless all night, paired with the absence of my roommate, and I lay wide awake staring up at the ceiling and trying not to continuously toss and turn.