Lost In The Noise

Chapter 9

Louis' entire body stills, his breath halted and mind now going on a one-way track of 'what the fuck' and 'this isn't real'.

"I'm serious," Harry insists, not allowing Louis any time to process anything. "Before I saw you again I had just gotten myself to stop thinking about you every single day and then you have to come in with your perfect self and fuck that all up," Harry says, his words harsh but his tone permitting Louis to know he doesn't mean it jarringly.

"'M not perfect," Louis mutters, still dazed from whatever the fuck is happening.

Harry scoffs once and then breaks out into a full, heavy laughter, "You're serious? That's what you got from that?"

Louis' mind finally begins to catch up and before he knows it he's up on his feet, trembling as he curls in on himself. "You're lying, you left..." he says lowly to himself. "You left. You left me! You can't claim to have always loved me when you fucking left without saying goodbye!" he shouts, voice still somewhat reserved.

Harry scrunches his face up as if he's in pain, eyes glimmering with tears and mouth wobbling with hurt. "You left me long before that," he quietly admits. "I never got any goodbyes from anyone."

Louis knows is the thing. It shouldn't be such a shock or blow to his inexistent ego, but it is. He wrings his hands roughly through his hair as he starts to pace back and forth in the small space between the wall and the bed.

"But," Louis begins at a loss for words. He's in the wrong, yes. He's the one who became a fucking drug addict at the age of sixteen; he's the one that chose to get high over spending time with his boyfriend; he's the one who left. Has it been him the whole time? Has his guilt been, in fact, completely reasonable?

He briefly remembers Dr. Shane talking about guilt and regret with him and telling him that it's okay to leave the past in the past, but what if Dr. Shane was wrong and the guilt that's been leisurely crushing him alive is anything but unjust.

"Louis stop!" Harry demands, breaking through his train of thought.

And that's when Louis realizes his nails have dug so deep into the skin at the creases of his elbows that little bubbles of blood have piled to the skin. Every coping mechanism and positive thought that are supposed to keep him close to the surface have now melted away and he's left with a blank slate as he sinks further away.

Except it's not really blank because everything has already flooded the dam, overfilling his senses on how to breathe and how to feel, and how to live. He's going to die, right? That's what happens when your lungs don't get air.

It feels cruel, like a sick game, for whoever's in control of his death to be dragging it out for so long, making him heave and choke against his will and on his own saliva. He supposes he deserves it for causing so much trouble but goddamn, he wishes it would end already.

"Breathe," he hears, a quiet little whimper whispered into his barraged ears.

He hears but can't get his body to corporate. There are strong arms squeezing around him and for a second he thinks 'this is it, this is where it ends', but no, the arms stay tight around him, to ground him rather than take the life away from him.

A short, flimsy sob gurgles through his throat and his legs give out, signifying that he's going to be okay in the most haunting way possible.

"That's it," he hears Harry say, able to pinpoint and remember where he is and who he's with again. He can't quite figure out what he's doing right, but he welcomes the praise easily.

"I'm s-sorry," Louis apologizes, getting shushed by Harry. "Sorry—I'm sorry, I—"

"Stop," Harry chastises. "You don't need to apologize, you never needed to for these, you know that."

That makes Louis finally allow the full cries to encase him, no longer struggling to breathe, only violently conflicted with himself.

"I'm sorry," Louis apologizes again, shaking his head vigorously at when Harry tries to stop him. "No, you're right. I left and it's been me this whole time, just like I thought. I never got over you because I've loved you forever. And—and I'm so fucking sorry. I almost wish I could've stopped loving you so I didn't hurt you so bad. I'm sorry, Harry, really," he sniffles in the moment of silence and then attempts to drag himself away from Harry's arms.

Harry stays in place, not allowing Louis to move from him. "You—you love me?" he questions, voice high and smiley.

Louis lets out another sob while he nods as if he's ashamed. "I'm so sorry, Haz, I promise I never meant to hurt you."

Harry laughs and Louis finally tugs himself away and sullens his expression at how funny Harry thinks this is.

"You—" Harry pauses, tears freely flowing down his cheeks as his giggles turn into a begging cry. "You're sorry for loving me?"

Louis feels his heart physically crack at the way Harry's looking at him: his cheeks damp and blushed, his eyes pleading for Louis to say it's not true, asking for him to promise that he doesn't regret loving him.

Louis blinks down and relaxes his face, thinking how to phrase it. He shakes his head and grabs Harry's cheeks in his hands. "Baby," he breathes, feeling oddly calm, "I'm not sorry for loving you, I didn't mean it like that. I'm just—I'm sorry for hurting you like I did."

Harry shakes his head, licking his lips, tears still leaking from his green eyes. He looks like he's trying to say something but instead, he leans the tiniest bit forward and Louis knows what he wants to do.

Louis smiles delicately before leaning forward and, in the most gentle way possible, smooshes their lips together. There are no fireworks or angels singing. It's better than that; it's like every single nerve-ending is sparked alive and thrumming with anticipation of what's next to happen.

The kiss is short and perfect and when their lips peel apart, their foreheads attach, eyes closed and breaths coming in small huffs.

"I don't—" Harry starts, sniffling and taking a moment to recenter. "I don't know where we can go from here, but I'd really like to kiss you again. Is that okay?"

Louis puffs out a laugh and nods his head, a hand coming around to Harry's neck in order to pull his lips back against him.

"Wait wait wait," Harry pulls away, closing his eyes. "I—I cheated, a while ago I mean."

Louis observes the way Harry's eyes won't open and he frowns, not sure he's hearing correctly, "What?"

Obscenely licking his lips, Harry explains, "I—I cheated when playing that card game..."

"You idiot!" Louis exclaims, tackling a giggling Harry to the floor and pinning his arms above his head. "I fucking knew it, too, you asshole!"

With their eyes shining and love radiating, they kiss again, each full of love and life and, although they have things to work through, they know their future together is forever and always. They found each other again, and this time, they won't let go. 

A/N: I'm so sorry this is such a shitty ending with no real solutions to any problems, but I've struggled to continue this story for about two years and really just wanted a happy ending. As far as Harry and Louis' character endings, create your own future for them, but here's mine: Louis moves to Boston with Harry (not fleeting or running, but because they're in love and he finally no longer has a weight of guilt on his chest. PLUS, he looooves Harry!). A little bit after they move and Harry has a steady residency job while Louis finishes up school with a retail job, life hits pretty hard again but they deal with it together (Harry and Louis gain custody of the sets of twins, whereas Felicity moves with Lottie and Beth to start working after graduating school). They live happily ever after and as said in the story, their future is forever and always. Much love to any and all that have read this far xx