Having to move to a new place is something that isn't new to me, but is also something that I hated. I have a hard time adjusting around a new environment. I have a hard time getting along with people. I'm a social freak, and staying as low and away from the society's eyes has always been a mission that I set for myself.
However, things seem to change within me these past few months. I had a dream where I wake up in an empty room with nobody else but me, and a mirror. I stared at my reflection, and it stared at me. I saw how my eyes looked so dull. I saw the loneliness that I never thought I had in me. Maybe I can't do everything by myself. Maybe I can't survive the challenges of this world alone.
Maybe, I need somebody.
I put on my earphones and played a calming audio of the waves and breeze on a beach through YouTube on my phone. I stared at the ceiling, trying to recall the bits of moments where I actually had people beside me aside from my mother. I had quite a lot of friends as a child though the numbers decreased as I grow up, until it reaches zero.
I never even thought of having new friends. I suck at communicating, and expressing, and just socializing as a whole. Being a teenager doesn't help, either. With all the new challenges that I face, feelings that I just discovered, doubts for the future, and regrets from my past. Adulting has made me think that time takes happiness off of you as you grow and age. That as it passes you by, it takes precious things away from you.
On my 11th birthday for example, I feasted over my favorite foods with my mom and a few of my friends. On my 16th birthday, my mom gave me money for me to celebrate my birthday with my friends. Problem is, I don't have friends. Not anymore. On my 18th birthday, I spent the whole day in front of my laptop, finishing off a school assignment.
I am too focused on the things that only involved me that I forgot that there are people around me. That the world doesn't only revolve around me. That if I am having a hard time, so are the others. And I forgot that I needed other people in my life, just like everyone else.
Now, I'm longing for something that I unknowingly pushed aside to focus on what I thought was what I needed. I lost contacts with all of my friends then, and didn't bother trying to keep in touch. I lost my ability of starting a conversation, and whenever someone tries to talk to me, I always make it awkward. I always seemed unimpressed and uninterested, which may have hurt the feelings of a few.
I turned my lamp off and closed my eyes, as I calmed down to the sound of the waves. I just wish my thoughts were also this calm. Tomorrow's going to be my first day of college, and I can't believe I stayed up so late. Part of it was causes by the thoughts that haunt me every single night, and the other part is the nervousness that I feel, having to go to college in a new place, with new faces surrounding me.
A thought that I never expected to come to me, came into my head all of a sudden.
“Maybe I should really try and make friends. I'll need them,” I said to myself.
