No Time to Die - Bucky Barnes

Chapter 16

Bucky avoided everyone after New Year's Eve. For a few days actually and even on the plane ride back. His mind was going a thousand miles a minute just trying to make everything out. After he watched his girlfriend kiss another man he looked to the one person he knew would make the pain go away.

You.

His rose.

He didn't know how blind he was to love. He knew you said those words to each other. That he had some sort of feelings for you in the past. But to remember what intensity it was. To remember every unspoken word and soft touch. That was something else entirely. His heart expanded, taking up all the space in his chest leaving no room for his lungs to breathe. It was as if he needed you. More precisely you to be in his arms just to be able to breathe.

He had to get out of the room. The memories. The events before. He had to leave. He wasn't sure what happened after he left but he did visit Natasha. He told her that they were done. Their relationship has been over for a while and thus they were simply lying to themselves at that point. She took it better than expected but there was still that sting. The traces of bitterness in her voice still resided. Bucky couldn't care less. Feeling too many emotions at once, he wasn't in the right place to be thinking about Natasha. It is what the Wakandans told him. For too long he has been caring for other people rather than himself. But then Shuri told him that he should take time for himself. Figure out what he is feeling. What he should do?

Easier said than done.

That's exactly why Bucky called her, after a few days of soaking in isolation. "Please pick up. Please pick up." He whispers into the abyss as he holds the phone up to his ear. Sitting on the edge of the bed with his free hand supporting his head, Bucky needs to talk to someone outside of the compound.

"White Wolf. How may I be of assistance to you."

"I don't know what to do. You have to help me, Shuri." Bucky hears a sigh and then a clattering noise in the background. "I figured that's why you called me. But what specifically do you need help with?" Bucky tries to organize his thoughts in his head but with there being so much he didn't know how to. He took a deep breath before he spilled everything in that one breath. From the beginning, he explains the feelings he had towards you back in Hydra. The feeling that he just needed you and he didn't care what others said, you were his the moment his eyes landed on you. He explained to Shuri how the feelings were still prominent when he was a soldier. That's when he learned that he knew that the emotions inside him weren't surface-level attraction but a primal desire.

You were inseparable. If it wasn't for Hydra. Before they sent The winter soldier to the red room, they wiped his mind. Erasing the memory of you but not the sensation, the hold you had on his soul. The soldier knew a part of him was missing and since you weren't sent to the red room, he didn't know that it was you. When Natalia was thrown into his life unexpectedly, he thought that she was the answer, unaware of another. Things then repeat themselves with the wiping and losing memories and finally trying to piece them back together.

By the time Bucky was finished Shuri was rubbing her temples. She could solve the most tedious math equations that people have been trying to solve for years at a young age. But this. It felt like something that could either be written into a podcast or a reality drama tv show. She didn't know if she had an answer for Bucky. " To me, it seems as if there really is only one answer and you know what that is. You don't me to tell you. For so long you had people making decisions for you. I'm giving you the chance to make this choice on your own."

It wasn't the answer that Bucky wanted but Shuri has never been straightforward with him. However, she was always right, just like she was now. "Thank you, Shuri. I mean it."

"Anytime White wolf."

After the phone call, Bucky still didn't bother to get out of his room. The more that Bucky sat in there the more his emotions boil and change. It started out with him being pissed. Furious at Hydra and all they have done to him, you and your daughter. He punched the wall out of a blind rage. No dent was left as Stark used his genuineness and reinforced most of the compound to save money. The more he thought the worst it got. Bucky couldn't get it out of his head that you did not say anything. That you keep this a secret from him. That you knew what every touch meant, what every word meant. His anger was so out of control that he ended up throwing a chair across the room.

At the same time, his best friend walks into his room. "Come on Buck. It's been three days. You can't stay here forever." Bucky grunts at Steve's intrusion into his room. "What's going on?" Bucky couldn't answer because he didn't know how to. Sure he was kinda mad about the fact that you knew your story but he couldn't stay mad at you. Hydra was at fault like always. He lost so much time. The time he thinks he will never be able to get back.

"Just go to her Punk." Steve could read his old friend like a book. "But what if it's too late?" Steve knew a thing or two about waiting too long. He also knew that those were also the times he regretted the most. "It's not because you are asking if it is. If it was too late you would know." Steve might have been speaking a different language for all Bucky was concerned about. But in its own way, it kinda made sense. You were here. Alive. Safe.

His world was once again flipped but all he could think about was you. You were his world, you always were. He couldn't think about anything except you. Your smile, laugh. How great you are with kids and others.

You were it.

His.

There was no more time to waste. He gets up and marches towards the door. "Wait Bucky. You can't go looking like that." Steve pulls him back with a smirk on his face. He goes and takes a shower all while Steve pulls on an outfit he knows won't stay on Bucky too long if things go as planned. After getting ready for an unnecessarily long time bucky was walking down the hall towards your room. Steve informed him that he took Ana and that he or Wanda would keep her overnight so that you and Bucky could talk, amongst other things in private without the worry of your daughter.

His hand was shaking while his metal one tried to steady it. Bucky was going over what to say in his head. Each new version was possibly worse than the previous. But all had one particular goal in mind; for you to be his no matter what. He knocks on your door, feeling unprepared as once his eyes land upon you. He couldn't breathe, couldn't think. It's been years since the Winter soldier came out but right now the soldier might be taking control.

Before you could speak, even open your mouth.

He barges into your room and pins your hands above your head.