𝚍𝚢𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚒𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 / 𝚖. 𝚊𝚌𝚔𝚎𝚛𝚖𝚊𝚗

³

trigger warnings ;

¹. eating disorder
². self-harm

"y/n, please let us in..."

it's been a week since you last left your room. the broken mirror was still on the floor, your blood was still painting the wood— and your sheets and clothes.

your left arm was full of cuts, reminding you how you failed to put an end to all this suffering.

your body was screaming at you to feed it, but you only gave it water. you wanted to starve it, until it understood how you wanted it to be.

your eyes were bloodshot and itchy from the crying and the lack of sleep.

your parents and your friends were always outside your door, unable to get in.

mikasa had tried to respect that you needed some time and space, but she couldn't shake the gut feeling she had;

you weren't okay, and she knew that.  

holding the second keys in her hands, she unlocked the door. her eyes were wide as she looked around the room. when they fell on your bloodied arm, they filled with tears.

she rushed to your side and held you in her arms.

"i'm sorry... i'm so sorry..."

"i'm terrible... i should've been by your side... i'm so sorry..."

sasha and armin were as shocked as your parents• they couldn't even move from their spots.

you didn't know why mikasa was apologizing to you. you should be the one to do that. you should apologize to her for everything.

"i'm the one who's sorry, mikasa..."

"i'm sorry you had to bear with me. i'm sorry you had to be with someone as ugly as me. i'm sorry you had to be with someone as fat as me"

"i'm sorry you had to me with me"

"y/n, what are you saying..."

"i'm with you, because i love you! i don't care what you or anyone says! i'm happy to be with you! so please, y/n... stop doing this to yourself..."

"don't hurt yourself, anymore... don't starve yourself, please..."

"if i don't do it, i'll gain weight... but if i do it, i'm gonna be beautiful"

beauty was such a funny thing.

you didn't know when beauty started being about comparing yourself to other girls.

the more you compared, the more you hated yourself.

the more you hated yourself, the more you made mikasa feel useless. 

she didn't know what to do.

you had pushed everyone and everything away.

you didn't want to hurt her more.

you wanted to free her from you. you wanted to take away her burden.

so, you kept on trying to end yourself.

again.

and again.

and again.

but it led you nowhere. you kept on failing. 

again.

and again.

and again.

"you can't even die, y/n. what a failure you are"

in those moments, you started realizing what floch meant when he said it was fun to bully you.

you started laughing at yourself, too.

you laughed with how pathetic you were.

with how much of a failure you were.

laying on your bed— without the arms of your lover around you, you felt like you were nothing.

your body ached for her touch, and your  heart was desperate for her love.

"don't do that to me, now..."

"she's better off without me"