Life in Paintings

Chapter 41 - St. Francis in Ecstasy

Chapter 41 – St. Francis in Ecstasy

I'm expecting another end-of-the-world painting when I wake up. My skin somehow still feels weird. I'm still scared. I'm still tired of all of this.

I still only want to be in the arms of my sham husband.

I'm not in hell anymore though.

I'm on a mountain that looks out to a town with a castle in it. There's a cave that's been fixed into a kind of habitation, but I'm not seeing anyone for now. Just a donkey.

I assume I'm in Europe judging from the architecture from afar.

I think about Gustave.

I wonder if he made it safely to his inn after I left.

I wonder if he cried without me.

I didn't even have the time or the luxury to cry yet.

I kind of feel like it now.

The tears creep up on me.

Suddenly, a man come out of the cave, and sees me. "Oh child, are you okay?"

Am I okay? Fuck no.

He looks like a priest. This must be some kind of pilgrimage place.

I run a hand over my eyes to stop the tears. No tears. This curse got enough of them from me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you here," I tell him automatically. If I don't antagonize the people in paintings too much, it usually goes... somewhat well. So, that should be my goal.

"Oh, no worries, I am here to commune with God. Was this your wish as well?" he asks me.

I was right about the pilgrimage thing. But yeah. That ain't my cup of tea. So I'm honest with the man. "I don't believe in God."

He looks like I've just slapped him. "How could you not? How could you not believe in God when all of this is around you?" he says, gesturing to the view in front of us. "In the middle of His creation, how can you doubt His existence."

How could I not? How could I? After everything I've been through?

"I've seen Hell. I've yet to see Heaven though. So, if this is all God can offer, I want no part of it," I tell the man.

He smiles sweetly at me, like he's looking at a stupid kid. "But God is so much more than just Heaven and Hell, my child. If you only believe in God because of Heaven and Hell you have no true faith. Just a fear of punishment."

I try not to snort. "Isn't this all that religion amount to? Being scared of going to the bad place and being judge by the big scary dude in charge?"

"God is the reassurance that life has more meaning than just what you see. He gives you everything you see to believe in the things you cannot see."

Pretty bullshit words.

I just thought about not antagonizing painting people though. So I really shouldn't be telling him this.

"This is what you do? Look at the landscape and strengthen your faith?" I ask him, because I don't want to argue. Because he says nice things, but nice things are often not right.

"In part," he replies, a little perplex.

So, I go to the edge of the cliff, and sit there staring out at the view. I can feel the priests confused gaze on my back. I ignore it.

I don't think I'm going to see God though. Or be convinced that God exist by doing this.

But I need the break.

Last painting was... rough.

And leaving Gustave behind in the other one kinda broke me. I might never see him again now. Every time I leave him, I have to live with that. And I hate it so much.

If God actually existed, he would have left me with Gustave.

I'm his sham wife now!

I've started to cry without realizing it. I don't stop the tears. I let them flow. I didn't want to cry earlier in front of Gustave. I don't want him to know just how much it breaks me every time I leave him. I feel like I'm going to lose my heart.

"Yo bitch ass God, if you're real, show me a sign!" I yell to the sky.

And then I'm literally struck by lightning.

That's a new one.