Between the Stacks

Chapter 41

We need to talk. Those were among some of the scariest words in the English language, including We've run out of snacks and Have you heard the latest Kardashian news?

Three little dots appeared and then disappeared on my screen. He was clearly struggling to say something. I knew I should text him back and put him out of his misery. That would be the logical, adult thing to do.

And instead, I wanted to bury my head in the sand.

There could be no positive reason for a text like that. If he had good news, he'd tell me right away. We need to talk implied a serious, in-person conversation. One where he would place his hand on his knee and tell me that things just weren't working out. Or perhaps he was moving away. Or maybe there was another woman, one with a PhD who volunteered with baby goats who spoke five languages and made amazing banana bread.

Maybe tomorrow? I texted back, dodging out of the way of people coming into the entrance of the community centre. Things could be clearer in the morning. Spaghetti-related songs still bounced around my head.

The dots vanished. Then, one word: Sure.

This was not good. Not good at all.

My mind suddenly seemed too full, like a glass of water overflowing from too much being poured in. Wesley and the interview, Lakshmi's resignation, Matteo's new job, running into Jack, and the fact that I was sixty percent sure that I'd put my underwear on backwards this morning all added up to me wanting to run screaming into the parking lot.

My afternoon was free. I didn't want to unload on my parents - they hated seeing me stressed - and Melissa was still working. Matteo and Rob were probably frolicking together in a field somewhere, or whatever it is that happy couples do. I even wanted to talk to Ms. Linaberry. (Her advice wouldn't be super helpful, I feared: she'd probably tell me to "bang it out," or something equally sex-positive.)

I stepped outside into the afternoon heat. A bird landed on the branch of a tree in front of me.

With a flash, I knew where to go.

---

"I'm sorry that I haven't been back as often as I wanted," I said to Alex's gravestone. I sat down on the grass underneath the maple tree that stood sentinel over the small plot of land. "Sometimes it feels like you're everywhere, rather than tied to this exact spot."

The cemetery was busier than I'd expected for a late Friday afternoon. Cars slowly rolled by on the winding road, and the occasional volunteer would walk by with the jugs of water that they used to water the flowers.

I crunched a dead leaf in my hands and watched as the tiny little pieces fell to the grass. "I hope there's something at the end of the rainbow for you," I said quietly, looking at the quotation from The Rainbow Connection on the tombstone.

In a hushed voice I explained everything that was going on: my uncertainty with Wesley, my fears about everything changing at work, and my sadness at losing Matteo to a new job. I left out the issue with my underwear. Then I realized he would find it hilarious - so I told him, and when a nearby bird trilled, I imagined it was his laughter.

"It's nice out here, isn't it?"

I jumped in surprise at the voice right behind me; the sound that came out of my mouth was somewhere between "blarg" and "agh." Somehow I hadn't noticed someone behind me - and for that matter, it was my Dad.

"I didn't hear you," I said, my hand pressed into my heart to keep it from leaping out of my chest.

"You would be so dead if you were born five thousand years ago," he said, coming to sit beside me in the grass. "All the tigers and lions and bears would sneak up on you and eat you."