Before You | 18+ | ✓

44: marley

I'm busy working through my homework assignment asking me to propose a business plan for a company I hope to one day open. It feels pointless because I know that I'm going to have no time to open a company of my own until I'm at least thirty.

I rub my eyes tiredly, ready to be done with this.

I lean back in the chair, my gaze wandering to the framed pictures I have of JJ and I on my wall. It's one of us as Daisy and Gatsby from Halloween. I've loved that picture since it was taken, but I've found myself going back and analyzing everything.

What moments was he sober and what moments was he high? How many lies did he tell because he thought the drugs were the only way to cope?

I don't blame him.

I can't blame him because it's not his fault. His doctors were setting him up to fail by prescribing him multiple doses of a highly addictive drug.

But he's doing better. He's working through the steps, coming to terms with everything, but I'd be lying if I said I'm not worried about when he leaves rehab. Rehab is a bubble where he doesn't have any of the outside factors affecting his recovery which is exactly what I think he needs to get his feet back under him.

I'm worried. That's all.

My dad isn't helping matters either. He likes JJ, but he hasn't been able to get past how JJ let Mom take the fall for the pills. He regrets not believing her, but I know if Dad was put in the same situation again, he would still put her in rehab.

"Dad, I hear what you're saying, but I'm not going to leave him." I insist, hoping that he can understand where I'm coming from. He's lived through it.

He looks tired. The last month and a half hasn't been easy on him. He doesn't do well when he's away from Mom. "You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Is one boy really worth it?"

I try not to let his words hurt me, but they do. JJ is worth it. "We don't choose who we love. I love him and I can't imagine my life without JJ."

Dad's eyes soften because he understands. But while I'm trying to listen to him, he isn't listening to me.

"I want better than this for you Marley. This hurt that you feel right now will be tenfold when he relapses eventually. They all do. That's why they're called addicts."

It's like a pot calling kettle.

"But Mom-" I try to retaliate with their relationship as my prime example to how a relationship can work with an addict in it.

Dad doesn't fall for it. "Your mom has had her struggles and it has been hard. That's why I know this is not something I wish for you, even if you think you love him."

"Even if I think I love him? I do. It's never been a choice for me to make. It's something that just happened and I can't explain it. Just like you can't explain your love for Mom. You're a hypocrite telling me to leave him when you've never left Mom. If it's been so hard, then why are you still with her if it's such a terrible thing to go through over and over again." My voice cracks and I inhale sharply to compose myself quickly. I can deal with the fact that JJ went to rehab this morning. I'm dealing with the fact that Bria is shutting down and she needs me to be there. I'm dealing with the fact my friend died. What might send me over the brink is my dad not supporting my relationship.

"Because it's a disease. One I would give all my money to if it meant curing it forever Marley. I love your mother more than anything in the entire world, but I've had to learn that this disease is a part of her. I have tried to shelter you and your brother from the worst of it when she used to relapse when you were kids, but I couldn't shelter you from all of it." He runs his hand over his jaw, "I can't protect you from this. That scares the fucking shit out of me when I know that this road leads to pain."