My Mother's Husband

Chapter 119

“You uncultured swine!”

I mean seriously, I get this isn’t America, but what kind of fucking man has never seen an episode of Friends!

“I am sorry, I have never met a Rachel or a Ross, I do not know of whom you speak.” This dude is not human.

I’m really trying not to laugh, he genuinely has no idea what I’m talking about.

“You’re Italian! Isn’t Joey Tribbiani supposed to be pinned up next to the photos of the Pope as a deity or something?!” Now he’s just looking at me like I’m crazy. I give up, I completely give up.

His hand lightly tickles down the inside of my arm, it still catches me off guard how gentle he can be when he wants to. There’s only a sliver of moon in the sky, it's almost like an eclipse, barely lighting either of us. I get so distracted watching his high cheekbones flicker in and out of my vision, I almost don’t recognise where we are... until we pass the bakery.

I just had to go and fucking look.

No. You are not going to think about him. You can’t, every time you do you want to fucking cry and you can't do that anymore. You’ve made up your mind, you’re done.

I keep letting myself believe stupid things; that Antonio can get me out, that I’ll get to see Kage again one day, that the person behind that note actually wants to fucking save me.

None of it is true. None of it. I need to start accepting that because I’m never getting away from him and I shouldn’t want to. Whether people want to believe it or not, he makes sense for me.

He makes sense.

I force my head away, trying to keep my eyes on him but I can’t do that either, scratching at the hem of my skirt to try and get to my skin. Why does everything feel so tight?

“Farfalla, are you okay?” I don’t know, I feel like my head is trying to process thirty different things at once but all I’m getting back is white noise.

“I just need to get out of this dress.” It's suffocating me, I swear I can smell Hope all over it and it's making my heart clench.

“You look beautiful... I shall buy you more like this.” I don’t need you to buy me more of them, I need you to put your foot down and get home so I can fucking breathe.

Oh no... It’s happening...

No. No you’re not going to panic. Just try to concentrate on one thing like Granny taught you.

This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine... I’m gonna let it shine... This little... What comes next?

Start again.

This little light of... No, there’s more words! Think, why are you so fucking stupid!

This dress is too tight.

This little light of mine.

Kage is probably in Mexico anyway.

I’m gonna let it shine.

He’s going to kill you, you know that.

I’m gonna let it shine.

The writing, it was his writing.

I’m gonna... the light...

No. It wasn’t. He doesn’t know.

This little. Light.

There’s no light.

The closer we get to Antonio’s place the more I feel like the oxygen is thinning, my mind being attacked with images of everything I need to think about and it’s just too much. It won’t slow down, none of my usual tricks are working. I’m being overloaded and I can’t figure out how to stop it. I’m just drowning!