Marella Dizznee (#4 in Sophie Sencen Series)

Dedicated: To You

Hi.

You guys...

It's been a while, and I want to just say I completely understand if anyone hates me or is angry. I'm so so sorry that I disappeared.

That I stopped writing and updating.

I can't tell you how truly sorry I am, you guys deserve much better than that.

I owe you a reason why, and there's a lot of things for why but what I can tell you without saying too much is this:

A lot has happened and changed for me.

For a while I was living in my car and working 80 to 100 hour work weeks to get my family and I's house fixed and to get us food.

At nineteen I was told by a doctor I was going to die within two months if my life didn't drastically change, because of all the work and stress and responsibility I'd taken on to help my parents and siblings from the time I was 17.

I was having heart attacks at my job. Before i was even twenty.

I still collapse suddenly sometimes, and I have to go on bed rest. I just... this is my fault really isn't it?

I was the one that chose to work. I'm the one that didn't stop and kept going and going. That always said 'I'm fine I can go without'.

It's okay, I'll skip this meal and make more money for little brother's birthday gift that's coming up. Or I can spend it on momma and make her really happy.

I'm the one that took my little brother out to a coffee shop for fun and then collapsed and he had to help me.

You can see, I hope, where writing or even getting on here felt like too much and so eventaully I got locked out of my account and i didn't look back.

I was tired.

So tired.

And hurting all the time but never showing it.

You know for as long as I can remember I've always had this belief: They can say they love you, but they can decide to take that love away as quick as they want too. So keep everyone happy for as long as you can, because they'll still leave one day.

Obviously, that's wrong, but I told myself that from the time I was six. And i have to fight my own head about it still to this day.

Yes, I'm in tears right now admitting to you that I was so scared to even get on Wattpad and look at my old stories. To read comments or anything.

But for some reason two days ago, when I hit rock bottom and was sobbing in my bathroom...I looked up my profile on wattpad. And I saw several messages.

Genuine, caring honest asking questions from people.

I don't know at what point I stopped seeing myself as another person that someone could care about. Or at what point I mistook someone's care and joy for something that could turn into hate and anger in the blink of an eye...but I did.

And the only reason I'm here right now, opening back up my stories and trying (seriously what the hell was I doing with that plot point three years ago??) to finish these stories is for you guys. For those people that genuinely cared about what happened to the girl on the other side of the screen.

I've made it to twenty now.

I still have health issues that I have to be careful about...but I want to be happy. And I want a chance to make you guys happy again too.

prepare for a massive marathon, because I'm posting and finishing all the old stories in one go-- all at the same time.

I've learned the hard way: we only have right now.

I AM going to finish these stories and write new ones. For those few people that made a difference and brought me to happy tears for the first time in a long time.

I am sorry that you guys had to wait so long.

Thank you guys for being so supportive and patient, and I'm sorry I can't tell you more.

But please understand that it was taking a huge toll on me just to think of going back and looking at these stories, though I will not be a writer that doesn't fulfill her promise or lets her readers go without knowing what happens in the story.

With that said, I truly hope you all enjoy it as I try to tie up this fanfiction as quickly as possible. Y'all have waited long enough on this story!

Believe me, it was wild coming back to this and figuring out where the actual hell it had been going.

So.... I guess this is me saying... hi please don't hate me because trust me I hate myself way more than you could ever hope to hate me... so I win the hate Noel contest??

Thank you to @chrissythewriter2008 and @cloudskiesshine for the two messages in my inbox and on my page. They might not have been that big to you guys, but they're why I'm back.

You made me cry and want to come back.

And also...to explain that I didn't DIE but like I almost did so so many times... and also like could keel over and die at any moment too, but that's beside the point.

ANYWAYS

August 8th the dumpster fire starts *er, I mean fanficiton marathon*

But c'mon it's gonna be like a huge burning inferno of chaos

We can acknowledge that right?

So finally...

Please please don't curse me out.

Please don't hate me.

I understand the frustration and anger, I do and I'm incredibly sorry and really embarrassed to the point I don't know if I want to grovel or just straight up drive off a cliff with Taco Bell takeout more.

I'm sorry, more than you know.

And I understand if you don't ever want to read my stories again.

(To be frank looking back at them, I gotta wonder about some of y'alls sanity...but then again I wrote them so...)