Switched [L x Reader AU] • Death Note

Chapter 26 | guilty

Ever since Lights little stunt, Misa had been feeling a bit weird. She loved him, but found his behaviour that day gross. She being a sufferer of PTSD from the deaths of her parents herself, she understood what it was like to suffer like that. And even if she didn't know the full extent of L's condition she could tell it involved some heavy disassociation from what she witnessed.

While she wanted to defend Light, as any girlfriend deeply in love would, she couldn't bring herself to defend him for deliberately triggering someone's disorder like that.

It was bugging her so much that she was sick lying awake at midnight, after failing to fall asleep with too much on her mind. She did tell you and L that she didn't condone what Light did, but was that enough?

She loved him, she really did. But... it was like he was changing in a way. The Light she knew before wouldn't have done that would he?

"Uugghhh, come on fall asleep! I have work tomorrow!" She groaned, burrowing her face into the pillow.

It was just no use, she couldn't fall asleep when she had so much to think about. Sighing, she figured she'd just go take a sleeping pill to knock herself out. Getting out of bed and putting her demonic bunny slippers on, she wandered down the hallways heading for the storage cupboards where the taskforce kept the first aid and medicine supply. She hoped no one else was awake and saw her state right now, she was a bit of a mess.

Overtired, hair all done up in curlers for her shoot tomorrow, oversized pyjama shirt and no makeup. She looked like the goth version of a crazy cat lady at the moment, which was kind of a vibe, but not hers. Heading down the next flight of stairs she heard talking, but recognised it as your voice and L's. She figured you'd both be awake, you always were.

As she passed by, she wasn't really paying attention to your conversation. She just went to the cupboard, grabbed the pills and began to head back. It was this time, something caught her attention.

"You're stuck?" You asked.

"I think so... I mean I can hear everyone but I can't switch out..." L's voice said, although the speech pattern sounded different.

"Damnit, Lights stunt really fucked you guys up huh?"

"He did, ugh I hate him. But I really need someone to switch soon. I've been in the front for days, the dysphoria is starting to get to me. Also I'm new! I don't know anything about this case! L and Ryuzaki do, they're the detectives here!"

Misa stopped in her tracks in the hall, having heard you talking about Light. Although she was a little confused. What's up with L? Why is he talking? And why is he explaining things like he's not L?

"I doubt Ryuzaki will be out any time soon after what happened. Can you get L out?" You asked.

"Coils working on it. I think we're all still picking up the pieces after what happened, I just want my own body back really. It feels so wrong having... you know, boy parts..." L replied, or... was it L?

"Yeah that's probably uncomfortable as hell... must suck being the only girl in the system"

Misa didn't mean to evesdrop, she only stopped because she heard you mention Light. But a soon as you said the word 'system' it all clicked.

The major disassociation, the different speech patterns, the use of all the aliases as if they were people... L, or Ryuzaki? The detectives, they were part of a system. It explained a lot, all the subtle things they'd do while masking as a single person that seemed a little odd. Maybe Misa was able to notice it because she too was traumatised, but she'd always found L's behaviours a little off. Not in a bad way, in an odd way.

But now she had to come to another realisation, Light didn't just deliberately make L disassociate, he triggered a system. That could have major effects, a system bleed, a split, a flashback, an involuntary switch. It could seriously put a system in danger.

And light did that on purpose.

A million thoughts rushed through her head, and she rushed back up to her room to process what she'd just learnt. Laying back in bed and looking up at the roof, waiting for the sleeping pills to kick in, Misa pondered.

She felt guilty, she knew she wasn't meant to know any of this. She only overheard by accident. It was likely Light was suspicious that L suffered something serious and that's why he was trying to effect him, to get his name out of him so he could kill him. And while Misa was for Kira's work, and was madly in love with Light she felt... disgusted.

Her boyfriend was deliberately triggered a system, in order to try and get private information out of them...

Call her a bit if a hypocrite for thinking Kira was good, and thinking this was bad, but she just can't bring herself to stand by people hurting those who've already been hurt. People who don't take mental health seriously are the worst kind of people, that's why so many people end up suffering. Because if they're surrounded by people like that, they can't get help.

And if L was a system that means some seriously horrible shit had to happen to him to even become a system in the first place. As a trauma victim herself, Misa felt bad. She felt guilty for knowing this forbidden information and guilty for just standing there while her own boyfriend tried to trigger a system.

She was torn. She loved Light, she wanted Kira to win. But... she was a lot more like L than she thought. She may not be a system, but she understood.

Did she stand by and let Light continue so he'd win as Kira and continue to love her, or go against him and make it clear to you and the system that she didn't condone those actions and try to stop Light from doing any further damage?

She could still be with Light and help him as Kira WITHOUT hurting L and his system right? Right..?

She cursed her heart, for being so lovesick and loyal to Light. And she cursed her brain for having common decency to know hurting trauma victims further is bad. She wished she could just follow one without having the other in the back of her mind. But, she was human and had a heart and a brain. Which one she listened to her her choice, but the alternate option would be nagging her forever.

"Fuck... why couldn't I have just fallen asleep earlier? Then I wouldn't have heard that in the first place..." she sighed.

Feeling drowsy as the pill kicked in, she knew she could stay awake and panic any longer. She'd have to confront her options tomorrow morning. For now, she'd sleep on it.