She sat in her room, listening to the angry guttural yells that issued from her speakers. They filled the room and half of her hoped that the music would seep out of her room and out into the rest of her house. She hoped her mom would come in and yell at her for being too loud. She wanted to be in trouble, at least if they were mad at her now she would be numb enough to not feel it.
She blew a bubble and watched the reflection of the lower half of her face as her computer booted up. The blue bubble gum bubble popped and she caught it in her mouth so that it wouldn't get onto her face. She chewed the gum in the side of her mouth, sitting up perfectly straight as she typed in her computer pass code and waited for everything to load.
She stared at the screen, opening a new tab and pulling up something to work on. She wanted to get something done, she also wanted to scream and cry. She ran an angry hand through her hair and looked at a window, the sheet that covered it letting in enough light to see without turning on the over head light. The room pissed her off, just like everything else at the time, so she blew another angry bubble letting it pop loudly as a little way of expressing herself.
She wasn't sad per say but she wasn't quite happy either. She blew another angry bubble and began to type a paper furiously trying to get the structure down, glad that she had already gotten all of her references and quotes. She was supposed to be writing a persuasive essay for English, they were allowed to choose what they wanted to do. She was going to write about something that related to her like LGBTQ+ rights or something but since so many people (and her ex-girlfriend-ish) were writing about it she had decided on something else.
She was now writing a persuasive essay on why weed should be partially legalized. Her friend, who was a dealer, said that she should write it and had given her some great ideas and she like to write things that would piss off her teachers just enough to earn her a look and an 'A' because she was a good writer and student in general.
Her friend had told her to write about the people who needed weed for medical reasons. They had told her that there were a few people who they knew who sold it in the park that was near the hospital (ironic in that there were so many dying people in the hospital and little kids in the park) and made good money selling to the people who had relations with cancer.
The guttural yells of the people from her speakers droned out the tapping sound of her key board and were a good thing to fill the part of her brain that got distracted easily. The music and work helped her to forget, for a bit, the day's events.
For what felt like forever she had liked a girl at school and for what felt like forever this girl had been telling her that she needed time. Months of time, it had to have been more than enough damn time. Every day she needed more time and every day the girl she liked needed to have her hand held. Every damn day she had to go through the motions and every damn day she knew that she couldn't date her for whatever fucked up reason.
Some days, when she felt like absolute shit because she knew what she wanted and she knew she couldn't have it, after hours of crying she would mutter "Fucking tease." Other nights, when she didn't give a fuck anymore she would scream it at the top of her lungs, her voice covered by the screams of her music, "FUCKING TEASE!"
She should know better than to let this girl have her by the hair and yet, sometimes she though she liked her... she knew that she couldn't love her. So much sadness, so much anger for a bit of happiness and yet she always went back for more. She wished that she was numb to the pain that came from this girl. Sometimes, nothing mattered to her and yet most of the time she mattered.
She couldn't wait for summer, as reason to be away from her. A reason to get away and find some one who didn't make her feel awful to feel amazing. After the last angry scream from "Attack Attack!" the music changed, the screams mixed with the melodic electronic music.
"I'll be there watching from way up high." sang the male electronic voice, she never knew why she had this song on her IPod, her brother must have put it on there after that one time he took it. She didn't mind the music, she didn't know who it was by she didn't want more of it but it wasn't bad.
Her breath speed up as the music washed over her, by the end of the song she had laid back on her bed to breath. She wasn't just sad or angry anymore now she felt like she was in physical pain. She hated when she got like this, it was like being in withdrawal from a person that she didn't want to miss.
The song ended and a new one started: Pittsburgh, The Amity Affliction. She curled up and felt the hot tears squeezing out of her clenched eyes that swore that they didn't want to cry. She felt the lyrics enter her body and force the tears out the way that sad love songs did for 'normal people.'
She gasped in air and felt her chest rise and fall quickly, she had to calm down. This wasn't good. She needed to calm down, no bunny breathing. She clenched her fists let the tears soak her sheet under her, her breathing slowing but not enough. She chewed her gum and began to mutter to herself as the last line of Pittsburgh finished off the song. "Fucking tease, fucking tease, fucking tease..."
She clenched a bit of her sheet and tried to stop flipping out.
"Why the hell do I even care?" She asked herself as her breathing slowed after what felt like an eternity. She rolled onto her back and spread out her arms, face still wet with tears. "I want to stop caring."
(A/N: Sorry, I'm just a bit pissy and sad and angry at the moment and writing is supposed to be a good way of expressing yourself.)
