Saying Goodbye

Leaving Him

***********7:45am***********

I walk into my shitty school, the same as every day. Though today, is particularly strange. Everyone stares at me as I walk through the hallways. I'm a nobody. No one ever pays attention to me; except Barbie and her bimbos. I finally reach my locker and everything makes sense now. The stares, the whispers, and giggles from the sideline students. Written on my locker door are three words in black sharpie; "Slut, whore, bitch." All in thick, bold letters that overlap each other. They are underlined for emphasis. I honestly don't even know why they call me those names when I've literally had one boyfriend for four years and he's my first. Aaron. When Aaron was still in high school, he would help be get through it. He stopped everyone from hurting me. He really is too good for me. He deserves so much better than me. But now that he's graduated; it's worse than ever before.

I can't tell him. I already seem weak as it is and I don't want to rely on him more than I already have. It's all because of Barbie. That's what I call her, anyway. I hear the bell sound over the intercom system, signaling first bell. I slowly shut my locker and sigh from what I see. Even if I were to try to clean it, it would take forever to come off. The janitor will help me... as usual. I walk to my first bell with my eyes glued to the grimy floor. I can tell today is going to be worse than usual. Barbie never does stuff like this to me in the morning.

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***********10:56am***********

My first three classes went by smoothly. I was left alone as usual and it seemed a lot of people had forgotten the locker incident from this morning. I honestly don't care for lunch time. Don't get me wrong, I love the break from classes. It's just I never feel like eating anymore. It sounds weird but eating anything makes me feel sick. So during this time I study or finish up sons homework from the night before. I stand up from our cafeteria lunch tables and go to throw away my water bottle. I almost make it to the trash can too. But Barbie loves to be the center of attention.

I see her from the corner of my eye. She stands up and launched her tray of school food at me. I hear audible gasps from around the various tables. The disgusting spaghetti hits me square in my chest. She cheers, "Look! I made it in the trashcan." Everyone erupts in laughter. I break out in a run and head for the girls bathroom on the third floor. Looking in the mirror, I see my once white shirt has no been stained an ugly orange/yellow. I sigh and began to work on cleaning up the mess. I might just go to the nurse and get a new shirt. It's better than this.

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***********2:30pm***********

I finish out the rest of the school day hearing people snicker as I walk by them. The bell sounds over the intercom signaling the end of school. I hurriedly shove everything in my backpack so I don't run into to her. Going through the double door entrance of the school, I go outside to the parking lot to begin my search for my car. I don't have to look long, though. Barbie and her plastic squad had spray painted my car. With hot pink paint that reads: "Ask me who the father is." Who the hell puts that on someone's car. I'm not even pregnant! And I've never even had sex before. Unlike the Barbie who can't keep her legs closed. I just can't win and I never will. It's so much worse. They would have never done it last year when Aaron was here or the year before that.

I just want it to stop. I want all of it to stop... But I can't do that to Aaron. He thinks I'm getting better and I so want to be strong for him. It's just so hard. I wish this day was over already. Aaron promised me a date night tonight and that has been the only thing keeping going through the day.

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***********3:47pm***********

I arrived home after school and not once did my mother ask me how I was. She didn't even comment on the paint job my car got. I doubt she even noticed. My little sister is out though, mother said she was at some sleep over and she'll be back tomorrow. I think my sister is the family member I love. Because I've had absolutely enough of Barbie, the rest of my family, everyone and everything. I don't want to talk about it to Aaron, though. I don't want him to see me differently or see me the way I see myself. I tried talking to my mom but she told me to, "Get over it. It's just a phase." Umm okay, mother. Please do tell how a phase lasts over six years. But that was the end of the conversation with her. She just left for work at 3:30 as always. There are more important things for her to do. There always is.

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***********7:34pm***********

I've been doing homework, chores, watching Netflix -just everything to keep me busy- since my mom left. I usually don't get on Facebook, actually I never get on. But my phone beeped telling me I had a notification. It wasn't from someone wanting to be my friend, or a game request, and it wasn't from Aaron either. It was a status update from Barbie. She tagged me in it.

"You skanky little bitch. We all know who you really are Jenna. Your no body. Just a stupid little slut. No one cares about you. We all hope you go and die. Just go kill yourself! You tried before maybe this time you could actually do it. No one wants you alive. No one can stand you. People hold their breath when they're around you because you smell so bad. Just go die please! Do the whole world a favor and cut your wrist some more. I have seen them on your arm. We all know you just do it for attention. You stupid attention whore. Pigs like you deserve to get slaughtered. Just make everyone happier and die. Just DIE! I hope this hurts you! I really do. You ask yourself why people think you're pregnant? It's because your a fat ass pig. We all know the truth so just stop lying to everyone."

I throw my phone at the wall. I wanted to reply, to say something and fight back but I know anything I do will be turned against me. I crawl under my blankets and lay there numb. I just want to sleep forever. I reach under my pillow and grab a hold of a small, metal object.

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***********8:54pm***********

Aaron is supposed to come and pick me up at 9:00. I don't know how tell him or if I even should. I already cleaned up and put medicine on. I just don't plan on seeing him after this. I just can't do this anymore! Getting up. Going to school. Faking a smile. Pretending. Because I'm not happy and I never will be!

You know what they say - "you don't know 'til you try". Well, I've tried living and I've realised that I can't do it. What they also say is - "it's not the winning that matters, it's the taking part". And I've ran in the race of life for so long, I'm tired. Depression has got me and I can't get away no matter how fast or how far I run, it finds me in the end. But this isn't a rabid dog that you can kick to get rid of. This has a physical form and even hurting yourself does not get rid of it either. Maybe when I die, I'll leave my diaries- from all of the years- and letters. I'm sure Aaron would like a reason as to why I'm leaving him.

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***********4:21am***********

Spending time with Aaron was amazing as always. It almost makes me want to stay but I know that if I don't do it know then it will never be done. I'm scared of all the voices and monsters inside and outside of my head. They scream at me to hell. They tell me I'm useless, unwanted, and that I should just die. So I'm finally going to give the voices what they want.

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Dear Family,

You've never noticed the scars on my hips or the fake smile on my lips or the force laugh that I've adopted or the way I stopped caring about the things I used to love. So don't come to my funeral or grave and cry. How could you cry for someone you didn't even know?

I'm so sorry that I wasn't the daughter you wanted.
I'm so sorry that I was a shitty sister. I'm so sorry that I was depressed,
and that I cried a lot,
and how I always hid in my room.
I'm so sorry that I didn't do everything you ask.
I'm so sorry that I wasn't perfect and pretty.
I'm so sorry that I had put such a damper on your lives,
And that I was tired,
And antisocial.
Please forgive me for being a human being.
I really am sorry for existing.
I'm making your lives easier;
Seen as I'm such a horrible person,
Seen as it's impossible to be nice to me,
Seen as I'm impossible to deal with,
And impossible to love me.
I'm just so fucking sorry.

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Dear Aaron,

I loved you the most. You were absolutely the best thing that ever happened in my life. I just want you to know that I love you and that it's not your fault so please, please don't blame yourself. This is my decision and no matter what you think, you couldn't have changed it. I just regret leaving you.

I'm still not even 100% sure why you were even with me. I'm a disaster and I was only dragging you down with me. So I'm setting you free. Go live the life you deserve because you deserve someone so much better than me. Just please remember to look at the stars and say goodbye. I'm just so sorry for drag-