(Wednesday, 20th August 2014 - Very Early Morning.) (Shantelle's Apartment on Leff Street, San Luis, California.) Shantelle's POV. ******************************************************************************************** I find myself just awakening from a deep yet dreamy sleep. I'm somehow aware of an especially happy feeling inside me. I seem to be smiling to myself, as I slowly emerge from the mists of night time. I must have slept really well for a change, as usually these days I'm very sleepy in a morning, but then I realise that I got off to bed especially early last night, after feeling so very tired once again, and so the extra couple of hours sleeping seems to have been well worthwhile. As usual I'm laying on my front with the left side of my face buried in the softness of my raised up top pillow. I can feel my favorite little cuddly teddybear pressing against the bare skin of my still completely flat preteen chest. My left arm seems to be outstretched beyond the single bedsheet, and I sense that my hand is distinctly cool compared to the snuggly warmth of my body. ******************************************************************************************** I can feel that my pelvis is twisted so that I'm laying on my left hip which enables my chronically aching tummy a little respite as it's slightly raised off the matress. I sense that my right hand is open with my outstretched fingers softly pressing against the most painful spot in my abdomen. My right leg is bent up almost double, so my knee feels to be touching one of the three large teddies that also sleep alongside me. I am aware that my left leg, in contrast, is laying straight out down the bed as usual. I can feel the two elastic bands which encircle my left thigh and the two similar bands around my calf, all holding reassuringly tightly the long plastic tubing I have to wear at night time because of my longterm incontinence problem. The tube runs down from my now permanently installed indwelling catheter into the special drainage bag I must now use at night, which we fix onto a hook mom screwed into the foot of my bed. ******************************************************************************************** As usual, I begin to take stock of my numerous aches and pains. Above all I notice that I have a familiar stinging sensation in my privates just where the catheter tube emerges from the tiny hole I used to pee through. I must be having yet another cystitis attack, and I'll have to wash myself carefully round there when I eventually get up. The ache in my tummy is quite dull, so that's good news, and I must have digested yesterday's food and drink without too much bother. I so much wish it would go away, though. I can also feel the recently discovered nagging little pain in my mouth, and as I yawn a couple of times to wake myself up completely I realise that my teeth and gums seem to ache all round. There's something else which is quite new too, a strange yucky taste in my mouth. Ewww. ******************************************************************************************** There is also a throbbing ache in my head, though it's dull not sharp like the sort of migraine headaches I've started to get recently. Mom and gran both said that they suspect these headaches might actually be a good sign, for lots of teens get them, and maybe it shows my body is finally starting to get a bit more mature. That is weird cos the pain in my head is not at all nice, yet if they are at all right, I should be happy and feel like it's maybe a sign thet my puberty is finally going to happen. I did take a couple od tablets last night for my head so I'm not too pleased that the headache seems to still be around. ******************************************************************************************** I am now conscious enough to notice that I can't feel the warmth of my mom's body pressed against my back and buttocks, nor her arm enveloping me in a cuddle. This is often the first thing I wake up to. So, I roll over onto my back, just in case she's sleeping facing the other way and I can snuggle up to her body instead, but still I cannot feel mom next to me. She must have gotten up already, without even disturbing my sleep. I feel the bed sheet next to me - it's a little warm but nothing like the heat of my side of the bed. I'm thinking she's must have been up for some time, and not just got out this minute to go for a pee or whatever. I lay here in stillness, and listen carefully, but all I hear is the pretty chirping of birdsong which must be coming in through my open bedroom window. ******************************************************************************************** It's actually a perfectly normal start to the day. Now I'm feeling more fully awake. I try to think it all through. It's definitely not Sunday morning cos mom would certainly not have gotten up without first waking me. She adores her Sunday lay in, and we always have special cuddles. I'm aware it can't be Saturday morning either cos for the past year or so gran has stayed over on Friday nights and sleeps with us so that I'm the one squashed like the little piggy in the middle. No it must be a week day, but ahh, it's the summer hols so no school for this girly today. In fact, I know, it's actually Wednesday morning, I'm sure. It's all coming back to me now. That's what makes today such an especially happy day ? Well, you see, it's Wednesday the 20th of August, and that means it's my thirteenth birthday. Yippee !! I become a teen today, and I've been so much anticipating this as another milestone in my short life. I'd say 'looking forward to it' except I don't use expressions like that, as you'll soon realise. ******************************************************************************************* It must still be pretty early I'm sure, cos mom obviously hasn't yet come back in to disturb me. She always has me wide awake well before she leaves here around ten minutes to seven, to go off to her job on the cash desk in the local mini market just a few blocks from our appartment building. I expect she's had her shower and dressed, and is doing her breakfast. With today being my birthday I sort of hope we can manage a little special extra time together before she has to go off to work. We're very close and I love sharing things with her, and the morning of my first day as a teen is definitely an important moment. I so want to spend as much of it with mom as I possibly can. ******************************************************************************************** I listen for her, but all I hear is the sound of the birds - it's summer here in central California and very probably it's already bright and sunny outside. I stretch my right arm across beyond where mom sleeps, and with my normal care I grope blindly around with my outstretched hand in the direction of the bedside nightstand. I know I'm close when I feel the heat from the lamp on the back of my hand - amazing how mom always leaves the bedside light on ! Not very energy conscious, and I'm always telling her to switch it off, but she claims she's afraid to sleep in the dark. Unlike me, of course; I do that all the time - no problem. Eventually my hand makes contact with her alarm clock, the one without a cover on its front, and I run my finger tips ever so carefully over the clock face feeling for the position of the hands - it's still only six fifteen. Great. ******************************************************************************************** I feel a tingle of anticipation that today will be a very nice and special day, as I cuddle my teddy tightly, and press my right hand against my lower tummy where my pain is pretty much always present. I next rub my empty eye sockets to remove the stickiness left over from my sleep, and as usual I give my eyelids a few blinks to open them up. It will now be around four and a half years since the enucleation surgery when I was eight years old and I've seen absolutely nothing at all in that time, not darkness as some of my friends imagine but just simply nothing at all. Before the operation I'd seen very little in fact for three or four years anyways, pretty much from my first time in kindergarten actually, so my recollections of actually seeing at all are very hazy and faint. That's just like my sight was during those years when they treated my bilateral retinoblastoma with alternate doses of chemotherapy and then radiotherapy, before it all ended up with them actually removing my eyes. ******************************************************************************************** Don't worry, I'm not particularly sad about losing something I hardly remember, and I manage just fine I think. Recently my gran has started to go blind from her diabetes, and I feel really sad for her cos she has had sight for over forty years and I think it must be awful to discover you're losing something after all that time. But I always try to find a nicer side, and in this case it's really helped bond me and gran even closer together. I've been able to talk it through with her, and show her lots of helpful 'blindgirl' tricks that I've picked up. She's been on preliminary training, and she was classified as the best prepared person on her course. That made me feel pleased that I was doing some good, and also very proud of her. ******************************************************************************************** Gran only lives about twenty minutes walk away for me if I go on my own using my cane, and I try to visit her two or three times a week, and even more now it's the holidays. She always used to come to us on Fridays for dinner, but went home afterwards. Now she sleeps over so she's here on Saturday mornings too, and I like that better. She can manage just great in her own home, and around ours. I imagine that watching me cope with everyday life has probably helped her a lot, but I find she needs a little encouragement to go outside. I've started taking her for little walks around the neighborhood, and I collect her on Friday afternoons and we walk over here together, both using our canes. We walk back to hers again just the same way the next day, usually before I go off to do one of my many activities. The real test for gran is yet to come, though, cos I know she's not tried going out on her own since her vision has been deteriorating, and that will be scary for her to begin with, I know. I'm not sure just how to really help her with that, but I do know that once she's got her confidence up and believes she can manage by herself, she'll probably feel the kind of excitement rush I always get when I've proved all the doubters wrong again ! ******************************************************************************************** When mom was really ill with her breast cancer a couple of years back it was gran who helped me a lot. She'd had the disease herself before I was born, so she's always let everyone know she's a 'survivor'. That kept me smiling and positive even when mom was pretty sick. Gran also had the same surgery as mom, so again she was able to reassure us both that it would turn out fine, and it did. So, this past year it's as though it's been my turn to give assistance to gran, from when she started telling us she was finding it hard to see properly, right through to now when she seems to be losing more of her useful vision each week. Anyways, I certainly feel that my own troubles, then mom's and gran's have made the three of us into a very special close family unit, and we really do enjoy each others company. ******************************************************************************************** In case you're wondering there has only ever been the three of us. Gran is now fortyfour, and when she was just sixteen she left the care home she had been raised, only to fall pregnant by a guy who sadly was killed in a motorcycle wreck even before the baby was born. Gran never knew her own mom, or anything about her real family, so it's like our universe started with her. Mom came into the world without a dad, and it was just the two of them. Then when she was in nineth grade she was raped by a man who never got caught or even identified. All mom knows about this man who was in fact my dad is he was distinctly dark skinned. That does make sense cos I'm apparently quite a darkish chocolate brown color (especially in the summer months), compared to the light coffee color of mom and gran with their hispanic roots. I only know all this now cos mom explained it to me a couple of years back when I was moving up from the elementary school where we knew everyone, to the bigger and stranger world of middle school. She wanted to make sure I could answer any questions that might come my way, and it also allowed her to prove she had no secrets hidden from me. Mom's now twenty eight years old, by the ways. ******************************************************************************************** One of the key things about my blindness is I have an almost complete lack of understanding about exactly how anything looks, even myself and my family, and colors are an especial mystery. I have vague memories of dark and light but whatever I did see all those years back seems to have gone from my brain. Instead of sight I feel how things are, and my fingers always caress mom and gran by their faces whenever we meet up. Even my friends get the 'hands-on treatment', as I feel my way through life. I also listen to all the sounds around me, and often I astonish my friends by what clues my hearing gives me. I know they are always careful speaking about me cos I often overhear things, and get told that I must have 'supernatural' hearing powers !! Which I find funny cos I honestly don't try to listen more carefully than anyone else, I just simply do. ******************************************************************************************** So my blindness is not really a big deal, and besides my family I have plenty of friends too, who also seem to accept me as I am without difficulties. I find it's always the strangers who present the most problems for me. It's always hard to judge how people are reacting to you when they fall silent, cos the one thing that I cannot do is study their expressions. Easily the hardest thing for me with my blindness, is having to deal with the upset other people seem to feel whenever I have to attempt to explain about what happened to my sight. Some folks just clam up while others can't stop saying stupid things like ''how sorry'' they are. On the other hand, people who already know me seem to just accept how things are and put me at ease. ******************************************************************************************** I do have things that bother me, who doesn't ? But blindness is certainly not one of them. My poor tummy is constantly causing me pain, and it's almost certainly because the chemotherapy damaged my stomach lining, so I have to take special care with what I eat and drink. I've also had this cystitis pretty much as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's so bad I get proper urinary infections all the way up to my kidneys, so now I actually have to spend a night in the local hospital once a month hooked onto the dialysis machine just so they can keep on top of my poor kidney function. It's a bit scary cos I'm worried one day I might need to be on this kidney machine a whole lot more often, and that wouldn't be so nice. ******************************************************************************************** Right now, the worst thing is what's been done to my bladder. I always seemed to have had problems with 'leaks' as a little girl, and usually had to wear special pads in my panties to soak up spillage. Then after the chemotherapy I became fully incontinent. The chemicals plus the constant infections just made my bladder muscles lose all control. They tried me with intermittent catheters but the problem was too severe so since I was ten I've had to wear an indwelling catheter twentyfour seven. It's just a little plastic tube that a nurse inserts into what I know as my little 'pee hole' (otherwise called my urethra). They can stay in place for up to three months which is nice cos the pain when they are pushed in or out is the worst I've ever felt in my life. When the tube starts to get clogged up mom knows it's time for me to go and get a new one inserted. Ouch !! During the day I have to wear a little leg bag fastened tightly by elastics to the top of my left thigh, and I must remember to empty it every four hours without fail, but I usually know when it feels full, and it's weird cos it often feels warm against my leg. At night I must use the long tubing to the urine drainage bottle fixed to the end of my bed, and that holds far more so I never need to get out of bed for a pee anymore. ******************************************************************************************** The cystitis is a problem too, and this seems to be something I have inherited cos mom suffers badly from it too. We both never wear trousers just skirts, and mom has never worn panties as long as I can remember. The more the air circulates the better, and she's very discreet, so you'd never guess she went about without undies. As for me, my bladder leaks meant I needed to have pads in my panties for a long time and that just seemed to inflame the cystitis. So ever since I got the indwelling catheter first fitted I've followed mom's lead and given up on panties. Mom got a doctor's letter sent to the school principal and she was fine about it when the medical facts were explained. I just have to be as discreet as I can, and there are exceptions for sporting activities and my cheerleading, when I still wear the panties with the special pads and I take off my leg bag and disconnect and plug up the catheter tube, though there's always some leakage. It's ok to have it shut off for a short time, like an hour or so, and if I'm competing or cheering for a lot longer then I just go and sort of do a pee, except I have to unplug the tiny tube and let out anything that's in there. My friends and teachers are good and remind me when it's a good moment to go ! And, no I don't forget to disconnect the leg bag when I put on my undies. I can't be doing my athletic stuff with a bag attched to my thigh, so it acts as a sort of reminder to get my panties on ! ******************************************************************************************** Other than my bladder and cystitis plus my dodgy tummy, I've always been pretty healthy, except for when I was having the actual chemotherapy for my eye cancer. That just made me sooooo sick for days on end. The radiotherapy was okay and just sort of made my eyes tingle. It was only really bad when I got the third cycle of radiation treatment that actually followed the enucleation surgery. To make sure there were no cancer cells left that could travel round my body and especially to my brain, they irradiated the back of my eye sockets as well as removed my optic nerves, all of which left me with very sore eye holes which took ages to heal up. They cut away my eye muscles and then targeted the radiation onto the back of my eye sockets where the nerves had their connection point from my brain. That's why my artificial eyes are not fixed to any anchors like with some children and why I have no eye movement at all in my prostheses. Instead I had round plastic orbs inserted immediately behind the skin of my sockets, which goes some way to filling out the deep holes in my face left by all of this. My disc-shaped prosthetic eyes just fit across my sockets with their edges nestling under my eye-lids. I'm told it's pretty obvious they are fake eyes, but on the other hand my 'glass eyes' can be easily removed, every night for sleeping as well as for cleaning. ******************************************************************************************** The chemotherapy came in two cycles, and had the upsetting side effect that it caused all my hair to fall out. That grew back between the cycles, so it came as a nasty surprise when my hair just simply didn't grow again after the second chemo doses ended. I'd lost all my scalp hair plus eyebrows and eyelashes, and I'm still without to this day. That's not all. I've never managed to grow any hair anywhere else since, so my underarms are as hairless as ever, and now I'm older, it's pretty upsetting the way my pubic mound is as bald as when I was born. I'm not certain yet if I can actually have a proper puberty or not, but for sure I'm the only girl of my age I know of who has completely hairless privates. It helps with my cystitis and makes it easier for me to manage disconnecting my catheter tube, but I'd rather be more 'normal' down there. Mom shaves her pubic hair from around her privates for comfort but has some hair further up her pubic area towards her tummy, and if I could choose that would be fine for me too, instead of my totally smoothe 'little-girl' vulva. Oh well, I can always hope ? ******************************************************************************************** I can wear false eyelashes if I wish but really it's far too fiddly getting them attached. I had fake eyebrows penciled in by mom until we found a tattooist who was prepared to help last year. He agreed to give me semi-permanent eyebrows, which should last for at least ten years before they need retouching. I also have three wigs, with both long and short black hair, plus a short blonde wig that I wear for special happenings. They are way too hot and sticky for me to want to wear them regularly, and completely hopeless in any wind or for doing my athletic activities, so I never wear them normally, and everyone accepts my bald head just as much as my blindness. I think I also find it easier to accept my baldness because I have not actually ever once seen myself like this ! ******************************************************************************************** Otherwise, I'm perfectly healthy, as well as pretty happy. My speech, though, is a proper nuisance. I've always had a bad stutter, but again this only really causes me serious problems when I meet strangers. I've had speech therapy for years and the only progress really is in my attitude, not in my ability to speak any better. I used to be shy and unwilling to say anything out of fear that my stutter would make a fool out of me. Now I've learned to accept my stutter as part of who I am, so I speak up just as much as anyone, and my friends are really great at putting me at ease. They know that the worst thing they can do is try to finish off my sentences, so they leave me to stutter away. Only with strangers do I have problems, and I always stutter far worse with unfamiliar people or stressful situations anyways. I do have a 'stutter pad' to help me get by, it's a mini white board with a marker pen. I only use it sparingly, though, cos I need to write everything fresh as my blindness makes it impossible for me to keep track of messages for long. ******************************************************************************************** I'm laying here in bed thinking about all these negative points about me and my life, and I shudder. I do hope this isn't giving the wrong impression. Each of my problems have been setbacks in my life, but I feel a lot of pride in the way I've coped even if I cannot always overcome these difficulties. I've made it to thirteen, in a few months I'll have been cancer-free for five years, so I'm a 'survivor' for sure. And I've got lots of nice friends and cool activities in my life, as well as my wonderfully close family. I like to think down deep inside that I'm just a normal teen really, with a mixture of worries and dreams all jumbled up together. Now it's my birthday and this strange cocktail of emotions makes me feel that this is what becoming a teen is really all about. ******************************************************************************************** I can't help turning my thoughts to my most recent anxieties. I've noticed that something may be wrong in my mouth. Besides the yucky taste that's just showed up, I feel like my front teeth are a bit loose and wobbly. When I brushed and flossed one evening last week I felt a sharp pain in my upper gums. So I poked around and it was as if my teeth were moving a little bit. But it might be my finger moved when I pressed ? I called for mom to inspect but she said there didn't seem to be anything wrong, except my gums looked a bit darker than usual. Well, on Saturday morning the same thing happened, so that evening I did get mom to look again and this time she thought my gums might have been bleeding a bit. Then yesterday morning after I brushed and flossed I got mom to look again and she's sure there was blood in my mouth. Anyways, I'm not sure about what it all means, but I've got a dentist appointment soon, this week sometime I think, so fingers crossed it'll all turn out ok. ******************************************************************************************** You see, both mom and gran have no teeth of their own, and have been toothless all my lifetime. So I've always tried to really look after mine the very best I can, and mom's great at nagging me to do my regular brush and floss twice a day. Until now my biggest worry was that I've got pretty big front teeth and the idea got into my head that I'd probably need braces like quite a few of my friends. I'm not really clear about exactly how my teeth actually look, but I feel them with my fingers and for sure they seem bigger and stick out more than when I was little. I've been allowed to feel some of my friends teeth, the ones with braces, and I noticed the metal wires and brackets and they say they hurt a fair bit, so I'm not sure I fancy getting braces at all, though they might straighten my teeth and make me less 'goofy'. ******************************************************************************************** Gran says it was so long ago she lost her teeth she can't even remember exactly why, but she got them out when she was still at school before she left the care home, so she must have been sixteen or younger. She has dentures which stay on her bathroom window ledge in a glass all week, except when she puts the top ones in for church on Sundays. Mom definitely knows that she was pregnant with me when she had her teeth pulled, aged fifteen. She had decay but also something called gum disease I think, so I'm hoping that's not what might be happening in my mouth right now. Mom wears her dentures whenever she goes out, but at home she always has them out, so her lisping voice without teeth is what I've always normally heard. Gran lisps too, even on Sundays at church, at least a bit. What with my stutter, and their lisping, we must sound like a really odd family ! ******************************************************************************************** Well the only other anxiety on my mind at the moment is the mystery of whether I'll ever have a puberty or not. You see, I'm pretty sure I'm the only girl in my grade who's still not had a period, and my breasts are just totally undeveloped so my chest is totally flat too. I've asked doctors and nurses, mom and gran, even some friends and a couple of their moms too. Everyone seems to think it's normal for puberty to be any time between fourth and seventh grade, ages nine to twelve or thirteen. I've been encouraged to think I might be a late developer, and to be patient. Well, I'm now thirteen today and I finished seventh grade back in June. Both mom and gran started earlier than this by a few years, so I'm convinced there's something wrong with me. ******************************************************************************************** The trouble is I can't seem to get a straight answer from the medical people. There's a chance that the chemotherapy may have affected my reproductive parts, but this is not generally listed as a definite side effect, rather a possible one, so they keep telling me to just be patient as well ! But how long must I wait to find out if I can ever become a proper feminine woman one day or maybe that it'll never happen to me at all ? I have my own way of searching for an answer, but please don't think ill of me if I tell you. I'm now giving it a go - I reach down with my left forefinger and carefully place it near the spot where my catheter tube emerges from my 'pee hole'. I slowly work my finger tip around on my very sore and irritated vulva searching for my vaginal opening. Finally it slips inside my vagina and I wiggle my finger gently. I hope for something wet which might indicate the start of menstruation blood flow, but as always I feel the itchy dryness and withdraw my finger. I must wait another day at least to discover if I can really have children of my own or not. ******************************************************************************************** I snap out of my daydreaming and put an end to these pessimistic thoughts. I can now definitely smell coffee and maybe toast too, so I'm guessing mom's having her breakfast before she comes in to wake me. If today was a school day she'd have had me up at six so I could be ready to leave the apartment at the same time as she sets out. But of course it's still the long summer vacation so I can lounge around and please myself most of the time, and just make sure I'm around to either meet mom from work at six tonight or be here to welcome her home. One great thing about having my birthday in August is the fact I'm always on holidays when it happens so I usually get to spend my day as I want. ******************************************************************************************** I sigh as I feel my little smile breaking out on my face. My mouth really doesn't feel right this morning. I ought to get mom to have another look inside before she goes to work. But anyways, there's still plenty to be positive about this morning. It is after all my birthday, and I really hope to get some nice gifts and cards. I know mom's been hiding things in her room for days now, I've heard her wrapping parcels and carrying stuff, and I'm fairly sure in the last few days she's been out and sorted the mail before going to work, cos when I've checked the mailbox later on in the mornings there's been nothing in there, not even junk mail which I know feels all glossy. ******************************************************************************************** I do have quite a few friends, from my class and grade at school, from the gym club I go to, from the track and field team and the cheerleading teams at school. Also I'm friendly with some girls from the music group where I play my recorder at school, and from our church as well, though I've never had what you might call a special close friend. That's never bothered me though, especially as mom and gran are so very close to me. In fact I would never have the time for a special friendship, I'm sure. One thing about being blind that others need to understand is just how we can do mostly all the same things as everyone else, but it just takes us longer, and we need more practice, so I'm really, really busy all day every day. But I'm really not complaining. I always seem to have lived like this, and it's fine. ******************************************************************************************** If I have a special friend it's definitely my mom, and we really are so very close. We talk about everything, and share things all the time too. Our apartment has two bedrooms, and she gave me the biggest bedroom all along, so I have plenty of space in here for my computer and work desk and chair, as well as my nice big bed and dresser and closet for my clothes. Mom's room next door has only just enough space for her bed, dresser and clothes closet. We've always slept together in here and we use her room for storing things mostly. Mom's never had a boyfriend in her life, but don't get the wrong idea, cos as far as I know she's never looked at another girl either ! It's just she had the trauma of being raped, and focuses everything on just the two of us. ******************************************************************************************** We cuddle up in bed, of course, but again there's absolutely nothing remotely naughty happens either. Mom's explained all about sex and the like, years ago, and we talk about our feelings as well as the practical stuff, often as we lay in bed on Sunday mornings. She's always helped me with discovering both her body and my own, and she's very happy to have me explore her with my fingers and I love the feel of her hands on me. But this is how many blind people manage, and that's strictly all that goes on, too. ******************************************************************************************** Mom has her 'toys' in the drawer under her nightstand, and she's introduced me to them, and it's up to me if I use them or not. In fact, I very rarely use anything to excite me apart from my own fingers, which are so sensitive to me. Often I'm happy to get off to bed nice and early so I can do some exploring, while mom is doing chores before she comes to bed. Likewise, mom often uses her 'toys' before she falls asleep, but if I'm awake when this happens it doesn't bother me, and I just cuddle up to her and fall off to sleep anyways. The one time we both play games at the same time is on Sunday mornings during our long lay-in, and that's when we discuss sexual stuff and she teaches me about lots of things. But I'm not going to say anymore on this subject cos it's stictly private and confidential, thankyou. ******************************************************************************************** A couple of years ago mom was really seriously ill with breast cancer, but after the surgery she's got better again, and now she only suffers from her cystitis plus colds like anyone else. We always tell each other everything, but before she was ill, it was mostly me reassuring her that I could do lots of things on my own without her needing to watch my every step. She was just fantastic at supporting me in completing all my blindness learning skills, and she also has been there for me whenever I've been sick with my tummy or down below. Then her cancer sort of evened things up, and brought us closer than ever. I learned all about how her body was altered by the surgery, and helped her face up to her demons and secret fears. The way we talk to each other about anything and everything makes ours a special bond. I know gran believes this too. I can say that I love my life very much and I love my mom even more. So today's a new start for me as a teen at last, and I'm already feeling pretty excited. ******************************************************************************************** I snap out of my daydreaming as I clearly hear footsteps approaching and mom's voice saying ''Happy Birwthday Sshhanthelle, Happy Birwthday tho you.'' I turn my face towards her voice and soon feel her hand stroking my cheeks and feeling my forehead. I know without asking that she's not yet put her dentures in her mouth cos her speech is so full of lisps. ******************************************************************************************** ''G-G-Good m-m-morn-morn-morning m-m-mom, I-I-I'm s-s-so-so-so ex-ex-excit-excit-excited,'' I stutter back in my usual clumsy speech. I reach out with fingers so we can make contact, and we hold hands which is how I like it best when mom and me are talking together. ******************************************************************************************** Mom squeezes my fingers and kisses my cheek, saying, ''yourw head feelsh jusht warwm now noth ssho hoth assh ith wassh lasshth nighth,'' and then adds, ''Sshweethy, I goth yourw carwds herwe and while you have a go ath opening them I'll jusshth geth yourw prwesshenths assh well.'' ******************************************************************************************** I can feel her place a small bundle of cards into my left hand and hear her move away again out of my room and straight next door into hers. I count fifteen cards and they're very different in size so I start with the biggest and run my right index finger under the envelope flap till it's fully inside and then I tear away so it opens. I feel the large card and it has bumps from some pattern on the outside but when I open it I hear a jingle saying, ''Happy Birthday Sweet Teen'' over and over, and I'm filled with a happy feeling inside. ******************************************************************************************** Mom soon returns and I feel the bed sink a little as she sits down on it next to where I'm laying, half pushed up on my elbows, with my bare back supported by the mass of pillows behind me. She takes my hand again and guides it to the pile of parcels now pressing against my half-raised up body. ******************************************************************************************** ''Oh Sshhanthelle, you opened my carwd firwsth, oh sshweethy thathssh ssho nisshe of you,'' she says with a lovely happy sounding voice. ******************************************************************************************** I reply with, ''M-M-Mom, i-i-its th-th-the b-b-big-big-biggest o-o-one, th-th-than-than-thanx. A-a-and I-I-I c-c-can h-h-hear i-i-it, awwww.'' ******************************************************************************************** I start opening the next biggest card and it feels bumpy too but no sounds come out and mom has to tell me it's from my gran. Lots more cards are opened and felt all over by my sensitive fingers, but mom has to tell me which of my classmates and friends has sent them, though a couple have writing that seems to have left little grooves in the card, but is too difficult for me to decypher. ******************************************************************************************** Eventually I come to the last little card and when I get it out and pass my fingers over it, I feel little raised dots which are braille symbols. Now this really is more like it. I carefully run my finger tips across both the outside and inside and find it says, ''Happy Birthday Girl'' on the cover and ''Hope all your wishes come true, love from Sarah'' on the inside page. ******************************************************************************************** I'm so surprised at this, and feel especially happy. You see, Sarah's the High School Sophomore soon to be Junior who's been my main volunteer assistant helping with my schoolwork this past year. It counts as credits towards her for community service, but Sarah does far more than just sit in with me in lessons, like the two girls I had help me when I was in sixth grade. She always checks with me after school finishes to make sure I'll be ok with any homework assignments, and she often gives up time in the lunch hour to visit me and go over things then as well. The High School building isn't very close to our school site, so she has to drive over between and after her own lessons, but she does so voluntarily every day without any fuss. She's been to watch me doing cheerleader practice too, as well as when I got to run for the school in the middle distance championships, and play my recorder in a concert. ******************************************************************************************** I had absolutely no idea she even knew when my birthday was or that she could actually understand braille writing herself, so this is a very nice special moment. Mom gives me a hug and says, ''I've heard thath Ssharwah'ssh a rweally nisshe helpful girwl, buth shhweethy thissh carwd'ssh quite a sshurwprwisshe tho me thoo.'' ******************************************************************************************** Next I start feeling at the parcels piled up against my bare body, and to be honest mom helps me a lot with getting my fingers into the right places to get the packets open. I soon discover I've got a lot of really lovely gifts, including two new short skirts, three different shaped strappy tops, a pair of fluffy slippers, a leather purse on a thin shoulder strap and a padded bra, all from mom. Mom is brilliant with my clothes, by the way. When I was little she used to dress me herself and then started putting out my clothes for me the night before, so I knew what to put on. But for the past few years I've dressed myself as I please, and I can feel what it is that I'm about to put on without too much trouble. ******************************************************************************************** Only colors present me with difficulty, but that's been solved by a really great brailler device we got at the lighthouse. It makes little braille holes in the labels on my clothes. So if I feel a line of three dots with a single one to the right of the middle one I know it's an 'R' for red, or three dots in line with one to the right of the top dot and that's a 'P' for pink. Mom does the brailling but I came up with the idea of just putting the first letter of the color onto the cloth label - we first tried doing the whole word on a little piece of card which mom sewed onto the label, but guess what ? After it came out of the laundry, the card was all mushy and useless. Good job I can be inventive ! ******************************************************************************************** I also find several make up items, perfume spray, nice smelling bath lotion and a couple of cds by Taylor Swift and Rihanna, all from my friends at school. My mates at the gym club also have got me a couple of more classical music cds that I like for my floor exercise routine, and also some friendship wrist bands and little bead necklaces. There are also lots of different sorts of teddy bears, and a few pens and a writing set that's from some of the girls in the track team and a couple of friends in the little orchestra at school. The two girls who act as my bases for cheerleading stunts got me a brill cd by Miley Cyrus too. ******************************************************************************************** The twins I know from church have got me a talking book, which is really thoughtful - it's a famous classic, though I've not heard of it until now - it's called 'Little Women', so that should be interesting to listen to. I've a whole collection of talking books but mostly I find I can use my pc with its 'narrator' device to read out loud to me whatever is on the screen. I do most of my homework using the 'narrator' these days. It works on my emails too, and now I'm thirteen I can probably get access to lots more stuff on the internet, like Facebook I think. Wow, nice thought ! ******************************************************************************************** I'm still opening parcels and the one from my gran contains a woolly hat and a scarf for me to wear when the weather turns colder. This really amuses me, as she's always driving me nutty going on about how 'I'll catch my death of cold' if I insist on 'going around without my wig on' in the winter time. I've told gran a thousand times that it's not something she should worry about. If my friends can face me looking completely bald then it's not a problem for me, cos it's not as if I'm going to go and get upset by seeing my reflection somewhere, now am I ? But I'll wear the hat and scarf, at least once to church anyways, just to please my lovely, funny, kind, caring gran. ******************************************************************************************** My schoolwork helper Sarah has also sent me a lovely prezzy - a small cuddly teddy bear with a ribbon around her neck holding a braille tag saying, ''Happy Birthday Shantelle.'' That's brilliant and again, how did Sarah know about my collection of teddies ? I usually sleep with three in bed beside me, plus my fave little one cuddled up close to my body. Then there must be about twenty five others on top of my clothes closet and on one of the shelves in my bedroom too. Now I've got one more to add. Great ! I'm going to have to find out when Sarah has her birthday that's for sure. ******************************************************************************************** I'm feeling so pleased with all my birthday gifts and with the cards and messages and I feel like I just want to jump out of bed and rush out and say a big 'Thank you' to everyone. When I awoke feeling happy inside I sort of anticipated something nice for today, but this has been brilliant. I'm definitely feeling all excited and happy ! Maybe being a teen is going to change things in my life, ever-so-much for the better ? Yippee !! ******************************************************************************************** Suddenly I feel hands stroking me on both my cheeks, and I snap out of my little dream, calm down a bit and try to concentrate on this special moment with my mom. I start saying, ''M-M-Mom, wh-wh-what f-f-fan-fan-fantast-fantast-fantastic p-p-pres-pres-presents...'' ******************************************************************************************** But mom cuts me short by saying, ''Sshhanthelle, ithssh noth jusshth yourw birwthday thoday you know ?'' ******************************************************************************************** And suddenly I feel a pang of anxiety in my tummy, but I'm not sure why ? ******************************************************************************************** ''Ithssh alssho yourw denthal appointhmenth thissh aftherwnoon thoo, you know, with thath nisshe Misshther Sshanderwsshon,'' she continues. ******************************************************************************************** I had a feeling there was something I'd completely forgotten about. But until now I couldn't put my finger on whatever it was. I knew the dental appointment was this week, but today ! That never registered before now. Yikes. ******************************************************************************************** I hear her voice going on, ''Ith'ssh noth thill thwo o'clock ssho you've lothssh of thime, sshweethy. Anywayssh, I musshth be off tho worwk sshoon, ssho I'd betther geth ready now, Sshhanthelle. Arwe you lisshthening tho me, sshweethy ?'' ******************************************************************************************** ''Su-su-sure m-m-mom, I-I-I'm lis-lis-listen-listen-listening. I-I-I've g-g-got t-t-to b-b-be a-a-at th-th-the den-den-dent-dent-dentist f-f-for t-two-two o-o-o'clo-o'clo-o'clock, I-I-I'll b-b-be th-th-there o-o-ok, n-n-no w-w-worr-worr-worries, m-m-mom,'' I stutter back with really nervous stammering. ******************************************************************************************** I feel mom give me one of her wet and sloppy kisses on my forehead, and then I hear her moving away again down the passage towards the bathroom and kitchen in our appartment. I lay back in the bed and snuggle under the sheet while I think about what a wonderful start to my birthday I've just had and about what the rest of the day might have in store for me. Hopefully, the dentist should be over by mid afternoon and that would leave time to get out and visit my friends or even have some of them come over here. And I really want to get in touch with the lovely Sarah to thank her for the birthday surprises, and my gran for just being so great as always. ******************************************************************************************** All the while I lay there I also have a nagging doubt in my mind. What if there really is something not quite right with my teeth ? They've felt strange and hurt a bit off and on during the past week. Mom's checked on them, but maybe she missed something ? In any case, will I discover I'm in need of braces for some reason ? Whatever, I'll probably find out what state my teeth are in later in the morning, so it's pointless getting worried now, even though I do feel a little knot in my tummy. ******************************************************************************************** Mom is back now and saying, ''Before I go Shantelle, do you need me to do anything ? What are you planning on wearing today ? There's piles of clean clothes in your drawers. Do you want to wear any of these new clothes you got as presents, sweety ?'' ******************************************************************************************** As you may guess, mom is now wearing her dentures - how do I know, just notice how she's lost that lisp. To you she probably sounds just fine now, though to me it always sounds a little weird to hear mom speak in this unfamiliar way. ******************************************************************************************** I quickly get in with, ''W-W-Well, y-y-yes, m-m-mom, I-I-I'd li-li-like t-t-to g-g-go ou-ou-out w-w-wear-wear-wearing o-o-one o-o-of m-m-my n-n-new sk-sk-skir-skir-skirts a-a-and t-t-tops. C-C-Could y-y-you p-p-put th-th-the p-p-pink t-t-top a-a-and pa-pa-pale b-b-blue sk-sk-skirt h-h-here o-o-on th-th-the b-b-bed s-s-so I-I-I d-d-don-don-don't m-m-mix th-th-them u-u-up wi-wi-with th-th-the oth-oth-others, p-p-plea-plea-please, m-m-mom.'' ******************************************************************************************** I don't expect the new clothes have been color coded with the braille labler yet, so I mention this, saying, ''M-M-Mom, I-I-I b-b-bet th-th-the n-n-new st-st-stuff is-is-isn't l-l-lab-lab-label-labeled w-w-with c-c-col-col-colors ?'' and I'm right. ******************************************************************************************** I hear mom saying, ''Good thinking, sweety, you are wide awake this morning !!'' ******************************************************************************************** I feel her hand putting the new clothes into mine, and she pats me gently on the head and cheek with her other hand, as I touch the skirt and top with my sensitive finger tips. ******************************************************************************************** Then I hear, ''Bye, sweety, have a lovely day and let's hope everything is fine at the dentist. Send me a text or leave a voice mail on my cell phone, so I know how you got on. Must dash now, or I'll be late for work, so see you at sixish and do enjoy the rest of your birthday, my sweety. Birthday tea when I'm home this evening, Shantelle. Love you lots.'' ******************************************************************************************** I feel a kiss on my forehead, and I quickly reply, ''L-L-Love y-y-you t-t-too, m-m-mom, th-th-thanx f-f-for a-a-a g-g-great b-b-birth-birth-birthday s-s-so f-f-far.'' ******************************************************************************************** Then I hear her steps fading away down the passage and the clunk of the key being turned in the lock, as she will be removing it from the back of the door. A creak tells me the door is opening, and then I hear one last, ''Bye sweety, happy birthday my teen.'' ******************************************************************************************** The noise of the door slamming shut beats me as I'm about to call out another ''byeee'' and the sound of the key turning in the lock reassures me that I'm now locked safely in until I use my own spare key to get out later. I feel for the clock face again just to make sure I know what time it really is, and when that reveals it's just about eight minutes to seven I feel happy that mom shouldn't be late for work, not on my account any ways. What a brilliant start to the day, wow I'm a teen, whatever shall I do next ?
YOU ARE READING
Thirteen Weeks
Teen FictionA fictional story set in the central California city of San Luis Obispo, describing the growing pains and dental traumas of a very active and sensitive blind teen girl. Will her thirteenth birthday bring on more health issues or will she find that b...
