Purely My Thoughts

Blame It To The Quotes

At 27, I'd say I've been through a lot in my life. Some of my friends say I've been through circumstances that I shouldn't have been through at a very young age. Before, whenever I hear this kind of remarks, I felt nothing but pity for myself. Whenever someone sympathizes with what I've been through, it made me feel that my self-esteem was draining like water in a pail full of holes on it. I felt bad about myself, and I was seeing an ugly person whenever I look at myself in the mirror. I really felt hopeless.

I tried to enjoy with friends. I went out with them and met new friends, and in the process, I met people who instead of making me feel better about myself made me feel even worse. Remembering them made me hate almost everyone and it made me question God's intentions in my life. I always knew that life is unfair and it's even more unfair for me. I'm saying this because for me, I have invested a lot of myself to those people, but everything that I have invested -time, effort, money, love- were never appreciated.

It came to a point where I no longer go to church. I don't even consider being a part of any religious sect or whatever you may call them. It's not because I don't believe in God. It's just that, I don't feel like being in a place or be with a group where everyone believes that all circumstances that are happening in every person's life is God's will.

How can a loving God allow His people to suffer?

So, I thought... I believe in God, in all the things that are in the heavens and everything underneath, but I just don't feel like being a part of a what-so-called as religion. I just wanted to be a wanderer in all my spite.

Lately, things change. Maybe I was the one who changed.

About 2 months ago, I was hired as a Virtual Assistant specializing in Social Media. My boss assigned me to get a lot of inspirational and motivational quotes. At first I don't get it. I don't know why I was assigned to do such task when I think I can do more important things, but as an employee, I have to do what I was asked to do. Everyday, I read those 'quotable' quotes from different successful people from different fields, and reading them everyday shifted my way of thinking. The truth is, I never noticed that my mentality is changing little by little.

It got into me that life is just a matter of perception. I just needed a paradigm shift to change the way I feel and I know later on it will change how I run my life. Thanks to my boss, he inspired me check my mindset and correct what needs to be corrected in it. I took his advise that I have to be selective of what I feed my mind, because whatever I feed my mind sinks in my heart, and that drives what I feel about myself and how I look at life in general.

Sometimes I have episodes of depression. I remember everything that happened to me. I recall those people who exceptionally hurt me and my being. I remember all the words that brought scars in my heart and in my soul. There are times I cry alone just to vent everything out, but after I cry, it's like there is a release of a heavy luggage. I may have cried but I no longer dwell on it and I no longer feel bad about myself. I no longer pity myself because I know deep within me is a load of strength waiting for the proper time to be unleashed. Another thing is that, maybe I have forgiven myself for allowing unworthy people to bruise who I am. I have already accepted that those events are over and done, and there's no use holding any grudge, because whatever hatred I have in my heart kills me, not them.

I have resolved that I will feed myself with positive thoughts to reinforce the person that I am. No more regrets and no more bitterness. In regards to my spirituality, I still consider myself as a wanderer, but, I'm willing to venture so I can believe again.

[Originally posted on Aug. 2, 2012]