Eat!

8 ~ Crunch Time

Sam

“Shush!” Alice said as I knocked over something in her kitchen.

I winced as it made a clang. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine. But you’re lucky Mom sleeps like a log. Stay here, I’ll give the all clear and then you can come into my room.” She said, already letting go of my hand and slipping down the hall. “But you have to be extra sneaky.”

It felt as if the shape of her hand was still moulded into mine. I could still feel the warmth of it. Even through the thoughts of my mother in hospital wasn’t enough to cloud the other thoughts I had about Alice right now, sneaking around behind her mother’s back, risking everything so I wouldn’t have to be alone tonight. The fact that she cared felt alien to me.

Down the hall, she gestured for me to follow. It took me a while to digest what was happening until I finally managed to move. I blushed when I got to the doorway; surely this was illegal? Surely I shouldn’t be destroying this girl’s innocence? Shut up Sam, it’s not like your sleeping with her. You’re just friends, remember?

“The room won’t eat you Sam.” Alice said.

 I walked in.

She flipped on the mini light on her dressing table so I could see her room. I gasped in shock at how immaculate it looked; the drawers were all lined up, her ornaments were neatly arranged in a way that looked perfectly random, and there wasn’t a single piece of clothing on the floor. She smiled grimly. “Sorry it’s such a mess.”

I gawped.

“You can brush your teeth in the bathroom if you like. And, er, you can change in there too. I probably have one of my Dad’s old T-Shirts hanging around somewhere.”

“Won’t he mind?” I asked, worried.

She ignored the question. “If you get thirsty there’s a glass by my bed.”

“I’m sure I won’t-,”

“I’ve pulled out a duvet and some pillows for you but if you get cold I can get you some more. ” She said, gesturing to the pile of cloth next to her bed. “I know it’s not much but-,”

“Hey Alice?”

She whirled around. “Yeah?”

“Shut up.” I took her hands. “And thank you.”

She blushed in the warm light, and in that moment I thought she looked lovely. Not sexy, like a normal guy who was in a girl’s room would have thought. I mean with her fluffy hair hanging just at her shoulders, her brown eyes glistening and her soft lips pulled into a slight smile, she looked like nothing I had ever seen before. She looked alive.

“No problem.” Alice whispered.

I didn’t bother changing. I was too tired and too sad and too done to muster the strength to lift my arms over my head. So I just lifted up the blankets and nestled into the sheets while Alice did the same.

Then, there was the silence.

I couldn’t tell if she was asleep yet or not. I heard her slow, steady breathing from up in her bed, but she was turned away so I couldn’t see her face. What’s more, she had turned off the light so it was pitch black. I felt like I should say something. Anything. Plus, I was really uncomfortable down here.

“Sam? Are you awake?”

A breath I didn’t know I had been holding rushed out. “Yeah. I’m awake.

“Me too.” She whispered. “Obviously.”

I chuckled, then flinched. It seemed far too loud in the darkness and the quiet. She rolled over onto her other side so I could see her. She must have seen me wriggling about on the floor like an injured fish and I think she made an apologetic face. She was silent again for a minute before saying, “Come up here.”

I froze. “What?”

“I said, come up here and sleep. Don’t worry, I trust you.”

I could hear in her voice that she was shocked with herself for suggesting I sleep in the same bed as her. I was shocked too. Where had the shy Alice gone in the past couple of hours? She come out with me when she shouldn’t have, she rode the scariest rides; she even kept it together at the clinic when I couldn’t.

I got to my feet. “OK.”

There was a sound of rustling as she drew up her feet so we could sleep toe to tail in her single bed. Instantly I felt warmer and more comfortable. “Thanks.”

“For what it’s worth Sam, I think your Mom’s going to be OK. She a fighter, like you.” She said in the darkness after it was clear that neither of us were on their way to sleep any time soon. I smiled gratefully even though she couldn’t see.

“I hope so.” I replied. “Is your Dad home tonight?”

Alice shook her head. I heard her sniff. “He’s dead.”

“Oh God, I’m-,”

“It’s OK. I’m over it.”

It didn’t sound like she was over it at all. I didn’t want to push it, but I didn’t want to finish speaking to her either. There were things I think we both noticed but were too afraid to talk about. Like her eating habits. “Is that why you eat so little?”

“I eat so little because I’m fat.” She whispered.

I gritted my teeth. “Who’s telling you that?”

“Stop pretending like it’s not true!” She said, a little too loud. She lowered her voice before saying, “And I do eat. Sometimes.”

I laughed darkly. “That’s a lie and you know it. Not once have I ever seen you eat. And that time we went to out? You freaked out after having one bite of chicken. You don’t let anyone touch you and you wear baggy clothing because for some reason, you think you’re fat, when in fact, I can see your ribs. I just don’t understand why you do it, Alice.”

She didn’t say anything. I felt guilty as soon as I heard her crying in the darkness. I sat up and tried to form some words that would make sense.

“Alice, look at me.”

She didn’t move for a while, but eventually she pulled herself up. Now we were sitting, our knees pressed together, our faces so close I could see the freckles on her hollow cheeks. There were tiny silvery tear tracks running down her cheeks; I caught the drop before it could fall.

I lifted her chin up so she would look me in the eyes.

What are you doing to yourself, Alice?

“You are lovely the way you are. Don’t let anyone tell you different.”

And for the first time, I thought that maybe she heard me.