Till Death Do Us Part

Hope, Faith and Love

"I'm not going to look for the kind of love I feel for Teja because it's never going to happen.

But that does not mean I'm never going to find it again. It may not be the same but it might come close. It may not make me feel whole but it might fill the empty space. It may not make my heart sing with joy but it might make me happy."

Karan's POV:

She's getting married today. Just thinking about it feels like someone is yanking the world out from under my feet. How can this be happening? I don't know how to feel about it. My Teja is tying the knot with someone who isn't me. And there's nothing I can do about it.

I don't want to live in a world where I have to see the love of my life become someone else's wife. Neil is not a bad guy. He's a good one in fact, better than most. I know he's gonna take care of her. I know he's gonna keep her happy. But while I'm still there, I'm never gonna feel that he's someone she deserves.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm someone she deserves either. She's too good for me. Actually screw that, she's too good for the whole world. But while I might not be worthy of her love, I'm always going to ensure her happiness. I'm always going to put her before myself and I don't trust anyone else to do the same. He might love her but he can never love her like I do.

My dream is getting taken away from me. My dream of a someday life together. With her and only her and nobody else. I want to be the one to wake her up with breakfast in bed. I want to be the one to bring her coffee with a kiss on her head. I want to be the one to drop the kids to school and wave them goodbye. I want to be the one to live with her until we're grey and old.

But I guess you have to wake up and face the music someday. Some things are just not meant to be. It's not my fault. It's not her fault. It's just the way the world's designed. Some people get their happily ever after while some people chase it their whole life and still turn up empty handed. I'm definitely not the former and I don't want to be the latter. I'm not going to look for the kind of love I feel for Teja because I'm never going to get it. She's the only one there is and nobody can take her place. She's an original.

But that does not mean I'm never going to find it again. It may not be the same but it might come close. It may not make me feel whole but it might fill the empty space. It may not make my heart sing with joy but it might make me happy.

And that's fine. It's more than fine. It's more than anyone can ever wish for in their lifetime. I found it once. I'm sure I can find it again. Not the same. Never the same. But good enough.

I stagger and drop to my knees microseconds before the tears come.

I should be happy for her. I should be there for her. But I'm not.

I just feel...sad.

In every single possible definition of that word.

Sniffling uncontrollably, on my hands and knees in the middle of my apartment–a memory suddenly sweeps over me.

Of another time I was in the exact same apartment crying in the exact same spot.

And it's so strong, so intense, so real, it feels like I've been hit over the head.

Heartbroken and sobbing my heart out.

"Are you ok?" She was there and she was asking me if I was alright. I had just gone through a terrible breakup and I was feeling like it's the end of the world.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take."

"Hey don't do that to yourself. You can't keep hurting yourself like that when the other person doesn't give a shit. A relationship is not a one way street. What you guys had wasn't love. Maybe it was from your side but never from hers. She was in love with the idea of love, not with the person."

"How can you say that!"

She cupped my face in her hands and tilted my head, "Listen to me. That is not real love. Love is seeing a person every day and still missing them when you're apart. Love is respect, but not submission. Love is challenging each other to be the best people you both can be. Love is asking for forgiveness. Love is forgiving. Love is letting them be their own person and always being your true self with them, too. Love is addressing problems and challenges, not avoiding them. Love is committing to them and meaning it."

And I know I'm not sitting this one out.

Because – as I throw the beer bottle into the bin, rub my eyes with my wrist and straighten my shoulders – it suddenly hits me that maybe being the hero isn't always easy.

It's not always fun or cute or romantic.

Maybe saving someone doesn't always feel comfortable, or triumphant, or even very pretty. Maybe princes and knights get tired too, and feel embarrassed or humiliated. Maybe, sometimes, saving someone hurts and it's scary and risky and all you want to do is give up and go home.

But she has lifted me off the ground too many times for me to just leave her lying there. Somehow, I have to find the strength to lift her back.

I'm gonna go there. I'm gonna find her. And I'm gonna tell her I'm sorry. I'm gonna tell her how much I love her. And I'm gonna tell her there's no one else I would rather spend my life with.

The rest of it is up to her. Yet, I still have to tell her. To let her know that my heart belongs to her and I hope hers still belongs to me too.

I would be a fool to think that she doesn't feel anything. Maybe it's not how I feel but she could not have erased me from her life that easily.

"How much is love meant to hurt?" I had asked my father once.

"Oh, terribly," he had replied with a smile. "But we suffer for love because love is worth it."

And this love is worth it. I'm sure of it. I had tried to deny it a while ago. But I'm not going to make the same mistake again. She is the one for me. The only one. And I'm going to make sure that I'm the only one for her too.

As I pull myself together and gather the courage to take this last leap, I pray to god it's not too late.

~end~

It's hard to forget someone who gives you a lot to remember. There is no such thing as a simple love story. If it's simple, it's not love. And if it's love, it will get complicated.

After leaving the previous chapter like that, I thought I would leave this one on a hopeful note. Let's hope and believe in love because I believe in them.

Lots of love,

D