My Thoughts

24 April 2022

It's been a minute since I wrote but everything just feels like a lot so here I am...

I think it's worse to die on the inside than the outside. I think dying on the inside is so much scarier. When you die on the outside, everyone knows you're dead and they mourn you and put flowers on your grave and reminisce and what not.
But when you die inside, no one knows, no one notices the changes, no one sees you dying, no one hears your silent cries. Sometimes you die inside and even you don't notice. You mourn the death of the dead version of you and move on. Sometimes you try to be positive and find a happier version of you, other times you just accept defeat and decide stay dead.

I've also given it some thought and decided to ask people "how are you really?" instead of "how are you?" Because it is so much easier to lie when I'm asked that way but saying "how are you really?" Makes you feel like damn person actually cares. Another reason of chosen this is because it's something I want to be asking myself. I want to have people who genuinely care about me check on me. I'm tired of always checking on people and never getting it back. The third reason is I don't want to watch people die on the inside. I hate this feeling and I don't want other people to feel this way and have no one to ask how they really are. So yea....

How are you really?
Terrible I guess.
I just want to cry and I don't know why.
I just want someone to hug me and be there even though I can't express myself.
I just want that reassurance to someone on this planet actually cares.
Does that make me ungrateful?
I'm surrounded by so many people that love me and yet here I am writing this. Yes, I know they care but I just don't feel it right now. Does that make sense?
I feel so pathetic.
What kind of person wants to cry but can't and doesn't even really have a reason to.
What's wrong with me?