Daire and Aspen

Chapter 11: Daire

Since I moved Aspen and Elly in with me after bringing them back from Montana, I've learned to enter the house quietly in case Elly is napping. Aspen always tells me to make as much noise as I want so Elly can learn to sleep through anything, but I still try to be quiet. As soon as I walk in today, I hear Aspen's voice softly talking to Elly. She must have forgotten to turn off the kitchen speaker for the baby monitor.

"Who has the prettiest smile in the world?" Aspen coos to our daughter in this fucking adorable voice she only ever uses with our girl. She's always talking to Elly and it's funny to me because I didn't know you needed to talk to babies that much. "And you know who you got your pretty, pretty smile from? Your daddy. He has the very best smile. It's true, it's true," she singsongs, and I can just imagine her lifting up Elly in her arms because I hear Elly give a belly laugh.

"The first time I saw it, I heard angels singing, I really did Miss Elly. That makes you the luckiest little girl in the world because you get your daddy's smiles all the time. I love to watch him smile at you. It's true, it's true," she says again, making Elly laugh full out. Aspen giggles at the sound, and my gut clenches. More than anything, I want that sweetness aimed at me, too. I want Aspen's laughter, her light beaming at me to dispel that darkness buried deep inside me. I want her soft little hands back on my body, her smiles given to me. The realization hits me like a train: I want Aspen to love me. Living in the hard world that I do, I need her to surround me with her gentleness and her peace. And I want to give her my protection and  my strength, to give her a break from carrying the world on her shoulders. When she feels like she can't be strong, I want to be the one she hands off to.

I allow myself to eavesdrop on Aspen and Elly a few more minutes, listening to Aspen telling our daughter about my good points. Apparently, my smile is first place for what attracts Aspen to me, followed closely by my eyes, my dimple, my chest, my arms, my tattoos, my deep voice – it hits me that Aspen is still very physically attracted to me. 

It's just my character that repels her right now, and I don't blame her. How do you make up for being the most epic asshole in the world to your woman when she needed you most?

Beginning to regret more than ever the way I've been strong arming her, I decide to come up with a new plan of attack and I know I'll be working on this problem until I can come up with a solution. Failure isn't an option here.

Switching off the monitor so she doesn't know she was overheard, I head to the door, and open and close it more noisily than usual. Then I jog up the stairs, making sure Aspen hears my footsteps. Peeking into Elly's room, I see Aspen is on her back on the floor, knees up, with Elly sitting up on her mommy's belly, her little hands braced against Aspen's chest.

Aspen's head turns to look at me, and I hit her with my full smile. "Hey, little one. How're my girls today?"

"She's fine," she answers, still a bit chilly to me, but I saw her eyes flash when I smiled. Now that I know what I'm looking for, it's easy to spot.

I hold my arms out to Elly and she sends me a gummy smile. I pick her up and give her some loud, smacking kisses on her cheek. She giggles and shrieks, I smile and I see Aspen watching me with laser-hot eyes. She might be holding a well-deserved grudge, but she still wants me.

I can work with that.

"Aspen, I'm heading out for a bit," I tell her quietly as I poke my head in her sewing room. She's been in here more often than not if Elly's napping since I put the room together for her weeks ago. She's trying to get Elly's fall clothes complete, and from what I can tell, Elly could change twice a day and still not go through all the outfits Aspen's making her. Peeking over at the portable crib in the corner of the room, I see that Elly is down for the count, her little ruffled bottom sticking up in the air like usual. 

"Say hi to the club whores," she says, focusing as she cuts a pattern out of some soft-looking material with leaves on it.

"I'm not going to the clubhouse. I have an appointment." Normally I'm at the clubhouse working when I leave for my sessions, but nothing much needed my attention today, so I stayed at home with my girls.

"Is that what they're calling it now?"

I debate telling her where I'm going, where I've been going twice a week for a while now. Ah, fuck it, just tell her.

"You know that day I made you go to the club? And I yelled at you in front of Elly and scared her so bad she started crying?"

"Not likely to forget that, Daire," she grumbles back, still not looking at me.

"Well, it got me thinking that I don't want to be that kind of person or father. I never want to see that look on your face again or ever be the reason Elly cries. It about killed me knowing what I'd done." 

I look away from her for a minute, shaking my key ring, debating just how much I should say, and then I decide to just give her all of it. 

"The thing is, while I know how to lead a club of assholes I call my brothers, I don't really know how to be a father, Aspen. My parents didn't beat me or anything, but they were really focused on my sister and rightfully so. She was sick and needed them, so I was kind of on my own a lot after she was born. Then after my sister died, my parents still had me but I, ah, wasn't enough for either one of them to want to stay alive for. They both left me, and I didn't realize it, but I've been really pissed off inside ever since then."

By now, I have Aspen's full attention and the look on her face makes me want to look away it's so intense. I feel so fucking stupid admitting this to her, but my counselor keeps telling me that needing to work on shit isn't something to be ashamed of. Regardless of what he says, I still haven't told one single person what I'm doing every Tuesday and Thursday or why I'm doing this until now. The brothers think I'm going home to help Aspen, I guess, but they haven't asked.

I clear my throat and keep going. "Anyway, I've been going to anger management classes twice a week since I yelled at you and scared our girl. I'm learning to deal with my anger in the right way so I can be the man you need and the father Elly needs."

"Daire --" she breathes, and her voice doesn't have that edge to it for the first time since I found her and dragged her back here because I needed her in my life so damn bad.

"And I'm doing it because I don't want you to leave me, too, Aspen. I want to be someone worth staying around for."