Just a crush

The evening before

A/N: this chapter involves self-harm. If you're not comfortable with that or it triggers you please consider not reading this. Nothing major happens and I want all of you to be happy.

Even though the many things about the wedding distracted Louis from most things and chased his nightmares away, not everything was solved. He still felt numb. He felt like whatever happened to him, it didnt matter anyway. He liked the thought of finally feeling something again because of how numb he was at the moment.

But he didnt show it. He didnt show it to anyone, not even Harry. He knew the older boy would get worried if he knew and Louis didnt want that to happen. He wanted Harry to be happy and not only worry about him. Concern wouldnt make him feel any better.

So he just continued his days with a smile on his face. He laughed and talked like he always would and nobody had noticed anything, which he was grateful for. Then, when the sun got replaced with the moon and the world was dark and asleep, he laid on his bed, staring at he ceiling until he had to pretend again.

Sometimes when it had been a hard day he cried at night. He cried as silent as possible so he wouldnt wake Harry with his chokes and sobs. He would pull his hair and bite his lip as hard as possible, because only then was he able to keep quiet.

When he woke up again that next morning, he would pretend like nothing had happened and get out of bed with a smile.

*_*_*

Today was the evening before the wedding, only 7 pm and he was already so done with the day. He stepped in the shower, maybe that would make him feel a little bit better. But as he felt the water run down his back and soak his hair, the tears also started to stream again. Big, salty drops rolling over his cheeks and then splashing on the ground. His knees started wobbling and he decided to go sit on the ground. The cold floor made a nice contrast to the warm water coming from the shower.

He closed his eyes, focusing on the sound the water made on the floor after it had run over his small body. Before he knew it, his phone was ringing from the other side of the bathroom. Turning the shower off and wrapping a towel around his waist, he walked over to the mobile that was making his head hurt. He clicks on the little green button and holds it to his ear. He hears a comforting voice through the speaker. Normally he loves the voice, he adores it, he runs it through his head till eternity. But now it makes him feel even worse. Why cant he just stay strong like Harry. He has been through some hard things too but never overreacted like this. He would be sad for a couple days and move on. But Louis didnt, he was here feeling sad for himself even months after it happened.

But it wasnt just that, it wasnt only the fact that he missed his mum and that his heart ached for her. No, it was also himself, it was life, it was everything. He just couldnt do this anymore.

Harry shook him out of his thoughts "Lou, are you there" :Yes, yes Im here." "Whats wrong baby, you sound down."

"No, I just miss you and Im tired so m going to go to sleep soon." "Owh okay love, I miss you too and if anything is wrong you can tell me alright." Louis just hummed in response and they said goodnight.

The two boys decided to do it the traditional way and not see each other the night of the wedding. But now Louis wasnt so sure about that decision anymore. He missed him, he missed the rambling before he fell asleep, he missed the warmth he radiated and he missed the way he spoke when he was sleeping.

But he didnt have Harry now, he didnt have anyone. He was all alone. Why would people care about him either way, he was this little boy who was feeling sorry for himself, no one liked someone like that.

He laid his phone back down and slowly started walking towards the door of the bathroom, ready to go to sleep, when he spotted something shiny on one of the shelves. He had read about it, he knew some people enjoyed it and he could try it too.

He grabbed the razor and easily slipped the blade out. That wasnt that hard. He guided it towards the skin of his wrist. He would wear long sleaves anyway the next day.

He took a deep breath before he let the blade slowly sink into his skin. It wasnt that deep and only a few drops of blood fell on the tile floor. When the first line was done he looked at it. It was red and it gave a nice contrast to his white wrist. It felt nice too, it finally gave him something else to focus on. Everything disappeared from his head. His problems, the wedding, Harry, everything. And he let the blade slide across his skin a couple more times until it stung enough. He did the same to his other wrist that was also aching for attention. And he liked it, he liked the way it stung, he liked the way it looked, he liked the way it felt.

He returned the blade to the shelve and cleaned his wrist with some water. He wrapped a bandage around the scars that had appeared and walked toward his bedroom. It stung, but he loved it.

He got under the covers and the pain lulled him to sleep and with the warmth of his own body radiating under the blankets he waited until the day he could officially call Harry his husband.

Hiii,

So yeah, that haha.

If anything triggering happens in the rest of the story, it will also be mentioned at the beginning of each chapter.

And sorry for any mistakes hihi

Tpwk

All the love <3