Always on the Run

18. Toby

Hi guys, apologies for the delay in updating. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

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My stomach lurches as the plane starts its decent into Mauritius. I don’t think it’s just from the sudden altitude drop. I think it’s partly because what’s awaiting me. The fact I’m about to meet a brother I never knew I had. The fact that I’ve run away from Australia for good. The fact that I’m never going to see people I know again…Marcus, Russell, Julian, Gregory, Penelope, Babette…well a handful of them are less of a worry but still.

All these people were familiar faces and although there’s been so much grief along the way, it’s going to be weird not seeing them ever again. Especially Gregory. He’ll always hold a special place in my heart and I’m going to miss him terribly.

Because I had to leave so quickly, I never got to say goodbye to him. The last I heard from him was when I found out he had a girlfriend. I wish I could have wished him well as he deserves every happiness. Perhaps I’ll email him once I’m settled.

A lot of things were sudden as a result of my runaway act. I mean, quitting my job for one. I was still on extended leave after the Julian episode and I hadn’t even thought about going back. Now I would never go back again and in a way I’m relieved. It was a dead end job anyway. Jamie was the only highlight of it. So I did the one thing I knew they would hate. I emailed them my resignation letter with no notice. What can they do? Fire me? Yeah right.

All they owe me is one final pay check and the payout of any leave I have owing, which isn’t much. Still, I can do all that from here.

My night with Mum was amazing. We talked, we watched movies, we ate too much junk food and we went through my belongings so I could decide what to take with me. In the end I flew out with one suitcase and one piece of hand luggage. My case was packed full of clothes, bathroom essentials and a few sentimental items. My hand luggage had a spare set of clothes, just in case, my iPod, phone, laptop and some quick refresh items.

It was quite depressing going through my things and realising how little I had even though I owned the place. It proved that even before this craziness, I never really was happy and never lead a proper life. Perhaps this change will enable me to embrace a new life fully.

The hardest part was going through the spare room. I hadn’t been in there since my breakdown and going back was like facing a phobia. Yet once I was in there, that usual feeling of euphoria enveloped me. All those beautiful gifts. But I knew they were worthless. I would never use them. It was a stupid addiction brought about by a heartbreak. They say broken hearts do weird things…well that’s certainly true.

Yet there’s still a part of me that feels so empty. When I’m around the gifts, I feel complete. When I’m around Jamie, I feel complete. They’re the only two things that make me feel that way. Without either of them I’ve become a shell again and I don’t like it. So I’m hoping with every ounce of me that being in Mauritius will help me find who I am and what completes me.

I think I’ll always feel empty without Jamie but while I’m waiting for him, I need to figure out what else I enjoy. I mean, other women don’t spend their time pining after men, right? It’s unhealthy. If we’re meant to be together, we will. For now I’m embracing this new change.

Gazing out the window, I watch as we approach the island. We’re still quite high up but I can see the turquoise colour of the water and the white sand. It’s absolutely stunning. The beachfronts are covered with five star hotels but as the plane slowly makes its way across the island, inland is like a totally different world. It’s hard to see properly from above but it looks very poverty stricken. It makes me wonder where Toby lives.