north//spencer reid

chapter twenty nine

i told yall you wouldn't have to wait three weeks for an update! turns out my philosophy class is the perfect time to edit lol.

there's four more chapters left!!!! although one of the chapters is around 17k. whoops.

and yes I will make a moodboard for this chapter at a later date. I'm too lazy to make one now. I'm going on vacation tonight though so it might be a while lol.

genre: angst

pairing: season fourteen spencer reid x oc

word count: 6.5k

warnings: homicidal ideation, murder, guns, blood, drugging, police/swat, one callback to previous suicidal ideation, callbacks to childhood abuse, trauma, torture

summary: spencer and the team take the ultimate risk to test spencer's theory on where amelia is.

as always, please vote and leave me your comments!!

SPENCER

There's a whole hoard of things I could have brought with me for comfort. I have a countless amount of Amelia's things at my disposal. I have her scarf, her clothes at my apartment, pictures on my desk, her drawings on my journals, the letter she wrote me in prison, not to mention I have every moment we've spent together ingrained in my memory. I could have grabbed something on my way out of the bullpen as we rushed to leave, but I didn't. I chose to silently suffer.

I chose to sit on the couch with one leg bent and one leg hanging over the side, trying to remember the way it felt when Amelia would lay between my legs with her head on my chest. I try to remember how she looked when she would peer up at me through her lashes and smile, quietly wondering why I'm looking at her and not the tv screen in front of us. I flex my hand a few times and try to recall the feeling of her hand wrapped around mine. I try to hear her laugh as she reacts to the movie, her body wiggling against mine. But all I feel is cold. A complete and utter cold that almost paralyzes me.

It's only been two weeks without her, and a week since she's been kidnapped. I should have gone to see her, even when she was mad at me for lying. I should have never gone to see those bodies and I should have been honest with her from the beginning. I could have prevented all of this and just kept her safe. I completely failed, but hopefully, I'm right in my insistence on her location and we're about to go save her life.

The medallion in my hand usually brings me comfort during moments like this. It usually reminds me of the great things I have in my life, and since Amelia came into my life, every time I turn the medallion over and look at the compass rose, it reminds me of her. It reminds me that I have someone to go home to who will shower me in love and affection and promises to never stop showing me the good in the world. This easily bendable and easily replaceable metal circle reminds me of the one in a million girl that I get to call mine, the girl that seems to make everything okay when it feels like it never will.

But after today, I might not have Amelia anymore. I might not have my reason to go north anymore. I'll have no reason to stay on the right side of the tracks. After today, I might have no reason to want to come home from work. I could lose the love of my life. I could lose the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have a family with and love until the day I die. I could die knowing the last time I spoke to her was when I was trying to apologize for lying and having her storm out of my apartment.

The medallion slips out of my fingers and tumbles to the floor, the sound earsplitting in the silence of the jet. Nobody wants to say anything. Nobody wants to admit that we're terrified of what we could find during this takedown. Nobody wants to admit that we could find a dead body or a severely traumatized girl. We've never seen a case like this, truly. Who knows what the outcome could be?