Head in The Clouds

Reoccurring Nightmares

Tw: suicidal thoughts and self loathing. PTSD
Vanessa age 18 August
The morning after we ran into Jake and Amy, I decide to look up Matthew. I find an article about a large prison riot, last year. A prisoner and three guards were killed. According to witnesses, the prisoner was a convicted child sex abuser and was the target of the attack. In the attack, he killed one of the guards, and the other two were killed in the resulting chaos.
After, I find out that two or the three guards were men, who were married with children. The third one was a beloved sister of a large family.
The resulting guilt is becoming overwhelming. I am having nightmares almost every night. I can't tell my moms what is going on. They won't understand.

Tonight, after laying in bed for hours, I start getting frustrated. I can't sleep, no matter what I do. I haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. Last night, I tried having Usnavi sleep with me, but that didn't help.
I get up, and head to the kitchen, looking for a snack and a cold drink. We are out of soda, juice, and ice. I refill the ice trays, frustrated I forgot to do it earlier.
I look in the fridge, desperate for anything, when I find a quarter full bottle of wine, and poor me a glass. Mama allows me the occasional small glass, on special occasions. I get some tonight, praying it will relax me. An hour later, I finish the bottle. I am buzzed enough, I manage to get a fitful nights sleep.

That night, I dream that I am in the attic, and Matthew is on top of me.
"No, please, get off of me. It hurts. Please, it hurts!" I cry.
"Shut up." He says, as he slaps me across the face. "This is the only thing you are good for. You are worthless.
"PLEASE! STOP!"
I wake up screaming and soaked in sweat. Mama and Mamí beside me, stroking my hair and rubbing my back. Usually, I am comforted by this. Tonight, it causes my skin to crawl. I jump out of bed.
"Mija, are you okay?" Mamí asks, coming towards me. I take a step back and she stops. "Don't touch me. Please, don't touch me!"
"Okay sweetheart, neither Carla or I will touch you," Mama says. "Will you talk to us please?"
"I... I can't right now. I just need a shower."
"I will go start your shower," Mama says.
"I will go make you some tea. Maybe after, you will be ready to talk." Mamí says.
"Thank you."
As soon as they leave the room, I let the tears fall for a moment. I then strip my bed, feeling dirty. Mama comes back a minute later. "Vanessa, honey, your shower is ready. You go shower, I will finish changing your bed."
I just nod. In the shower, I scrub myself raw. I also take a shower, as hot as I can stand, until it runs cold. When I am out and dressed, I realize I spent an hour in the shower and that it is six am.
"Vanessa, honey, do you feel better? I made you some hot tea, though, I may need to warm it up."
"Actually, can you make some coffee. I would have to be up in the next hour anyways, to make it to work."
"Vanessa, if you need sleep, you should go back to bed. You look dead tired."
"Mamí, I am fine."
"Are you sure Mija?"
"Yes!"
"Okay. Do you want to talk about your dream? You haven't woken up screaming like that in a long time."
"No! I really don't."
"Vanessa, it's not good..."
"Carla, carñio, she will talk when she ready."
"Thank you Mama." I say, sitting on the couch.
Mamí pats her lap, and I lay down, head in her lap. She plays with my hair while her and Mama talk. Before I realize it is happening, I am fast asleep.

I am standing inside a prison. It is empty and dark.
"Hello, is anyone there?"
My voice echos through the empty halls.
"There she is!"
"Matthew? What the hell? You're dead."
"Yeah, because of you. I wanted you to meet the other people, dead because you are alive. Do you want their families who will never see them again. They will never see them again and it is all you fault you stupid whore!"
"I didn't kill them, you did," I say, crying.
"Why did you kill my daddy?"
I turn and see the kid from the article.
"I didn't, I promise. He did. He is the reason your daddy is dead."
Suddenly, I am surrounded my people, circling me, and yelling, "your fault. Your fault." They say it over and over again. I just fall to the ground, curl up, and cover my ears.
"It's not my fault. It's not my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry."
"Vanessa, wake up Amor."
"Usnavi, what... what are you doing here?"
"In stoped by the salon to bring you coffee. Your moms said you were at home sleeping."
"What! They let me sleep! I told them I need to work today!"
"Calm down. It is fine. They said you needed sleep more."
Annoyed, I get up and go get dressed. "Usnavi, thank you for stopping by, but I need to get to work."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Okay. I will call you later."
He kisses my cheek and leaves. I finish getting ready and run to the salon.
"Vanessa, honey, what are you doing here?"
"I am supposed to be here. I work today, remember. I told you earlier that I needed to work. Why did you let me sleep?"
"You were exhausted Mija. We are fine, we don't need you. We can get by. Go, enjoy your day off. Rest, spend time with Usnavi, do what you need to do, to feel better. I can see you are not yourself."
"Mama, I am..."
"Go, we are fine!"
I just roll my eyes and walk out.
I can't even handle sleeping or going to work properly. Maybe Amy is right. Maybe everyone would be better off if I am dead.