𝗧𝗛𝗘 𝗦𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗖𝗛 | bucky barnes

six.

шесть. (shest') — six.

She understood why the woman had done that.  Because if Mace was in the same position, she probably would have done the same thing.  Maybe she would have gotten even more angry. 

Even if she empathized with the woman, she still felt discouraged from the actions.  Completely.  She felt like maybe she couldn't do it.  Like all the efforts would be fruitless anyway.  It didn't even matter, right?  It didn't.  She didn't have to be doing this. 

But she wanted to.  She wanted to be forgiven so, so bad.  She wanted to be good.  She wanted to fulfill her mother's real wishes.  Because everything had changed, now.  All so quickly.  And yet she was still searching for something. She felt so discouraged. Like maybe she'd never find what she was looking for. No one would love her, no one would forgive her, no one would smile because of something she did.

She walked into Bucky's apartment complex disheveled. She knocked at his door twice, and he opened it almost immediately.

"Hi, Ma —"

He saw the tears welling in her eyes, and saw her trying to hold them in.

"Are you okay?" he asked.  He opened the door wider for her, letting her in.  He rubbed her back.

"I'm fine," she replied, brushing his arm off.

She had to pretend she didn't want to be touched. Even if it was a desire of hers. She so deeply wanted to be hugged, she wanted someone to hold her hand and never let go, someone to rub her back and ask if she was okay.

But she couldn't have that. She had convinced herself a long time ago.

"No, you're not. Come on, Wilcox —"

"James, please," she interrupted. "Can we just... can we just sit?"

He took a breath in then out. "Yeah, we can sit."

"Thank you," she said. She sat down on his couch, and he sat next to her.

They were quiet for a couple of minutes. Bucky let Mace bury her face into her hands. She didn't make a sound — but it was so quiet he could hear her steady breathing.

She hadn't deserved it. She'd looked like a sweet kid. But what he had done to her... that was definitely something that would set you onto the wrong path.

But no matter how far you go down the wrong path, you can always turn back. And that's what he was doing. He just didn't know the way back yet.

"I don't know what I'm doing," she said.

Bucky could hear it in her voice she was holding back tears. 

"What if they don't forgive me?  What happens then?  I can't..." She let go of a shaky breath and swallowed the lump in her throat. But it came again, and this time, she felt the tear leak down her face.  She wiped it away and rubbed her eyes.

She sat back against the couch. Bucky saw her eyes were puffy and watery.

Mace couldn't hold it back anymore. So she cried. She leaned back and closed her eyes, sobbing quietly.

She leaned over toward Bucky. Her head touched his shoulder, and when it started sinking further, she rested her head on his lap. Bucky, almost naturally, ran his fingers through her hair. He let her cry. Because he needed that, too.

"You need a therapist," he said.

Mace half smiled. "I know," she said, voice stuffy. 

She felt safe with him, though.  She didn't want anyone else.  It was almost... calming.  Lying there with him, letting her emotions finally go.  She didn't have to hold it in anymore.

"Thank you," she said.  "For helping me, for being here, for... not being angry at me."

"Why would I be angry at you?"

"I mean, I did try to kill you only five days ago."

"Yes," he said. "But I understand why you did that."

Mace sat up and truly looked into his eyes. His warm, cloudy, blue eyes. They were not the eyes of the Winter Soldier. At all.

"I forgive you, Bucky," she whispered.

"What?"

"It wasn't you. You're completely different than the Winter Soldier. You walk different, talk different.." She looked into his eyes again. "Your eyes..."

She drew closer. And closer. Until her lips touched his. Fiercely, she pushed him down onto the other side of the couch, lips locked. He was kissing back, too, up until a couple seconds.

"Mace - Macie," he said, putting his hand on her chest.  "Do you know what you're doing?"

"Yes," she said.

"Mace, I'm just trying to make sure you're not letting your emotions drive you."

"I want this," she said.  "I know what I'm doing.  I know who you are. I need this."

James smiled in knowing she'd consciously made the choice. "We both need this."

Mace let herself lean back onto him and locked onto his lips again.  He kissed back in a perfect manner, softly, yet so longingly.  She immediately was addicted to his touch. 

Mace had never had something like this before.  Maybe just minutes ago she may have called it a friendship.  Now it was more than that.  Something she'd never had for real. She missed it, even if it was something that had never been within her grasp.  A stable relationship, whether that be friends or something more, was something she really, really needed.  Something she had secretly wanted for so long.

Bucky had needed this, too.  There was no one, really.  Steve, his closest friend, had gone.  All he was left with now was his memories and his therapist.  Which he would barely call an acquaintance.  He'd only met her a couple of months ago.

They wanted this.  Both of them.  Might as well find it in each other.