Ascend may you find no resistance, know that you made such a difference, all you leave behind will live to the end.
"You don't seem nervous at all about this." I said to Capricorn as she drove.
She wore the same expression she had since we left the house: utter indifference.
I didn't think she would have taken me so literally when I said yesterday that we should go tomorrow. I was just trying to get across that I was willing to go whenever and it get it over with, that I didn't want to wait too long.
But now as I sat in the passenger seat, watching the countryside go by, thinking about what we were on the way to, I had second thoughts.
It was true there had definitely been a seed of evil planted in my mind the day I saw my father die, one that repeatedly screamed 'revenge' on the man that had caused it. It was also true that this feeling had not entirely left my body as we drove right now.
But this was serious shit. I was going to kill someone today? If I was really going to go through with that, I couldn't do it like this. I was too nervous, scared, anxious and altogether not together right now.
Capricorn hadn't answered my previous question. I guess her indifference answered it well enough. I needed to ask her something that she wouldn't be able to to answer with an expression.
"What did you tell yourself before the first time you ever killed someone?"
The question seemed to echo, which was of course impossible due to the tiny vehicle we were in.
I saw a brief change in her eyes. I could tell she was trying to remain stoic, and for whatever reason not wanting to talk to me about anything.
"Don't start this right now." Was all she said.
I adjusted myself in my seat, turning myself to the side so I could look at her directly. "So I'm just supposed to walk in there and know how to do this then?"
"No. You're not doing anything."
The hell I wasn't!
"Um... yes I am, that's the whole point of me coming..."
She finally turned her head to regard me. "You weren't listening to anything I said this morning, were you? It amazes me how you can remember nothing that I said, not even an hour ago."
Admittedly, I had not heard all of it. When she was telling me, she told me to look directly into her eyes so that I wouldn't miss any of it. That had in fact turned out to be the worst idea for me to remember, because everything she said had been drowned out in my mind while her eyes swallowed me.
"I'm... just nervous. Can you remind me, please?" I asked nicely, avoiding admitting that I actually hadn't heard it at all.
"I think the most important detail you missed was that you're not actually doing anything, besides being there. I'm going to bring you in to Grabenstein like I'm turning you in, that's the only way we'll get inside quickly to see him. He is obsessed enough - judging from the emails he's sent me - to believe I've had a change of heart. I sent him an email this morning detailing that very change of heart and that I wanted to meet with him privately. Following so far?" She raised her eyebrows.
"Uh, yes. I just don't remember that part earlier. Are you sure you said that?"
"Quite." She turned off the dirt road we were on onto a paved road, signifying we were now in the general public eye again. Out of the woods, so to speak.
