If I Knew Then (Phan)

Chinese

Dan -

I laughed, but I was slightly worried. My parents weren't home, and they wouldn't be for at least three days, but my friends at school...

Whatever, they could think whatever they want. But I didn't think I could hold on to that thought for long so I turned to Phil.

"Meet you there?" I ask.

"Uhh.. Yeah." He said, slow to respond. I wondered if he was having second thoughts about accepting my offer so quickly. I hoped not - I mean, I didn't care... Did I?

Phil-

Dan got out of the car and went to his. I followed close behind him to his house. When we pulled into his driveway, he immediately got out of the car and looked at me hesitantly. I didn't move and he just nodded to himself and turned to go inside, leaving the door open behind him. I don't know how long I sat in that car, debating whether or not I actually trusted him enough to go inside. I guess I did, because eventually I turned off the engine and walked inside.

Dan -

I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the front door close, I had begun to think he'd left. Decided he didn't want to to stay with me. I shook my head, it didn't matter! I kept repeating this to myself and walked into the living room where Phil was.

"Uhh.. Hungry?" I ask.

"Starving." He responds, smiling at me. I never really noticed how blue his eyes were... - it didn't matter!

"Good because you're cooking, unless you want burned toast."

He laughed and followed me back into the kitchen.

"I'm pretty sure that's all I'm capable of as well..." He said, looking around.

"Take away it is." I said, smiling and picking up the phone.

"Chinese?" he asked.

"Is there any other way" I responded and punched in the number.

Phil -

It felt so weird to be here, but somehow it was a comfortable sort of weird.

When the bell rang, Dan went to go get the food. He brought it in and we ended up sitting on the living room floor, pecking away at our food. Not talking, but the silence wasn't awkward.

Dan -

Sitting there on the floor with him felt like the most natural thing in the world, which is quite odd considering we just started speaking.

At one point during dinner, I dropped my fork and Phil quickly reached for it. Our hands collided over it and he pulled away and went back to eating like nothing happened. Which was fine with me, because I'm sure my face was red.

I'd have always been gay, always known I was gay. It was one of the main reasons I fought so hard to not end up like Phil. Socially exiled and tormented daily. I'd get it worse than him if my 'friends' ever found out the truth.

Sitting here staring at Phil I had butterflies in my stomach, which was stupid on so many levels. The most important being he wasn't gay. Or at least I didn't think so.

"Phil?" I asked, trying to tear myself away from my mental dialogue.

"Yeah?" He responded. Shit, I should have thought of something to say first.

"Uhh..." I stammered.

"Very articulate, Dan. I'm amazed." He said, laughing when I didn't say anything else. "So, where am I sleeping?" He asked.

"I should have thought of that first.." I said. "You can take my bed and I'll sleep on the couch." The truth was there was a couch in my room that would be much more comfortable for me, but I didn't think he'd be okay with that.

"Dan, I can take the couch. I don't mind. You're the one letting me stay here." He said, looking at me worriedly.

"Really, it's fine. I insist." I say.

I pick up the now empty containers off the floor and throw them away.

"I'll show you it" I say and lead him to the back of the house, to my room.

When we enter we smiles, there are posters on the walls and CDs stacked on the floor. He made his way to the bed and gestured to the couch against the wall.

"That looks a lot softer than the one in the living room." He said.

"Yeah.." I stammer. "I just.. I didn't want you to... Uhh" I trail off.

"You should sleep there, it's my fault you don't have a bed in the first place." He laughs.

"Right...okay." I almost whisper.