The Disastrous Love Lives of the Delaney Family

1.1 Dulce Periculum

Everyone asks me why I'm single. And the answer is pretty simple: when all the women in my family have this rom-com type love story, an epic 'how we met' tale, and a happily-ever-after future together, it's almost impossible for me to compete. 

Take my mother, for example. She drunkenly seduced my father while at her own sister's wedding, accidentally got pregnant (with me), and then ended up marrying him, since it turns out he's the absolute love of her life.

My aunt, Sophie, has an equally unique relationship history with her husband. He drunkenly rang her on New Year's day, accusing her of cheating on him in a case of mistaken identity (wrong phone number), and then eventually married him three hundred and sixty-five days later. 

Then let's look at Emma and Hugo. She was in an open marriage to some lowlife criminal and ended up falling in love with her paramour, Hugo, who is also Aunt Sophie's best friend. Emma and Hugo married after her divorce, she moved with him to Paris, and they ended up with two kids and a French Bulldog named Ernie. 

And then, of course, there's my sister. Martha and Sam's relationship is complex. They were together. Then they weren't. Then they were. I can't give you the full, unabridged version since I don't think there's enough time in the world to cover that, but suffice to say, they're now happily married and have two children. And a Golden Retriever.

The only person in our family who had a normal-ish love story is Uncle Lucas. He's been happily unmarried to the same woman for over twenty years- far longer than my mother and both aunts have been with their partners. I mean, there was that whole 'almost died' thing a few years back where he had to have another lung transplant, but apart from that he and Millicent have had the smoothest ride of all. 

Actually, now that I think of it, their relationships have always started a little rocky. Still, with the way they all ended, ridiculously in love, it's impossible to live up to those models. Maybe that's why I haven't bothered to try. 

Either that or the fact that as a lawyer specialising in high-profile divorces has disillusioned me from the concept of love. I've never really understood why anyone wants to tie themselves to someone else for the rest of their lives, especially since most marriages end in divorce. Last week, I represented a wife of thirty-eight years who suddenly decided now was the time to divorce her husband because she'd finally had enough of the way he ate his soup. The week before, a couple of twelve years divorced because the wife was sleeping with the chauffeur. And the concierge. And the previous divorce lawyer who represented her. And if I think back a few months to one of my ultimate favourite divorces, the wife filed for two reasons: firstly, because the husband didn't have enough hair on his chest and secondly, because he didn't drive fast enough.

You could say that my profession has made me feel jaded, cynical with the whole notion of there being a perfect partner, and opposed to finding someone to 'complete me'.