Lost my reputation | B.E.

Chapter 4: downhill

Narrator: Someone

Feels like it was only a couple of weeks ago since Billie was lying in the exact same bed, scrolling through her Instagram account, stunned and defeated. Except it wasn't a couple of weeks ago and more so a couple of months ago, and this time around, Billie is sure that there won't be any coming back from that.

She really doesn't see how, she could come back from that.

"That's it, I'm retiring" Billie announces with finality.

She barely hears Y/N snort, her thumb hovering over the tiny heart under some beautiful fan art. She hesitates for a few seconds but ends up refraining herself from doing it; she knows that the second she likes the picture, some account that monitors her activity on the app will most likely post about it.

There's nothing wrong with the picture in itself – it's just some fan art. But she knows she needs to keep a low profile for a while. Even if she did not want to at first, she'd been forced to.

God forbid they spread fake news around, stating that Billie Eilish is entirely unbothered by the fact that she's getting cancelled. Liking some fan art might just send a signal – and the wrong one at that, proving to everybody else that she's not one bit fazed by what is currently happening.

The fact that she's turned her tags off a few days ago just goes to show how much she feels like she has to be quiet and disappear off the face of the earth.

She also won't deny that it had been recommended by her team as well; the scandals keep adding up, and although she's the Billie Eilish and she is forever protected by her own power, they keep reminding her that a fresh round of promo for her new album is about to start soon.

Over the span of 48 hours, the amount of hate she's received has been quite overwhelming: insults, public humiliation, death threats – she's seen it all. 

Billie can't deny that it's been brutal, and every time she thinks about it a little too deep, her throat closes in and she has to blink away the tears.

She feels ashamed.

It's violent and humiliating, this self-imposed public trial going on all over social media.

She wants to hide, because every time she receives one more blow, she loses a piece of her humanity in the process. She starts to believe a tiny piece of herself doesn't deserve any dignity.

It's also scary, not knowing what's about to happen to your own image. You're not in control anymore; you just have to wait for your sentence to be made public by a bunch of strangers. It doesn't matter what the consequences will be – as long as the internet has a final say in deciding what needs to be.

It's vicious, having to see yourself being torn apart so publicly without being able to do anything about it.

"You're so dramatic" Y/N's voice sounds through Billie's phone, cutting the silence, a hint of amusement in her voice at the idea that her best friend might put a premature end to her career. Billie can practically imagine Y/N rolling her eyes at her with a pretty smile on her face.

Though, the blonde doesn't bother throwing a glance at the small square on the bottom of her phone screen where she knows her best friend might be staring back at her; she's a bit annoyed by Y/N's tendency to turn everything into a joke.

Y/N is not purposefully trying to have a 'real people have real problems' type of attitude. But the truth is, to her, this is just the internet. Some kind of invisible, fictive cloud floating high up in the air. Distant and entirely disconnected from reality.