With The Bad Comes The Good

Chapter Fourteen: He had to be my Superman

Chapter 14.

Your point of view.

The wind tousles and tangles my already messy hair, sending chills down my spine. I adjust my hoodie, and shove my hands into the pockets of my jeans. I step closer to the edge so that I can get a better view of the town.

Collingwood looked so busy from above. I was only ten stories up, on top of an apartment building. One of my friends used to live here, before he moved. I come up here to think. The roof of this building is my quiet place.

This time I came because life became too complicated. I feel my heart race as "The Thought" crosses my mind again. "The Thought" is what I've wanted to do since Louis cheated. Suicide. You know, just throw yourself off of a ten story building, for example.

It's been very tempting. I have gotten very close to doing it multiple times. The only thing holding me back is Thomas. He needs me. I'm all that he's got. I can't take that away from him, too.

I take another step closer to the edge. I peer over to the ground, ten levels below me. There is a short ledge up to my mid-shin, running around the roof. It is about a foot wide concrete ledge, perfect for standing on when you are deciding whether to jump or not. I have many times, so far. I step up right now. I want to decide again, because I am not so sure at the moment.

I stare at the ant-people and roads and grass and sidewalks. It would take the wind just one gust to push me over, if it were going in the opposite direction. It is against me today. Maybe I shouldn't jump. Thomas needs me. Or does he? He seems to really like Michelle and Michael. He is only two months old. He could easily forget about me and adopt them as his parents if I were to take one step forward.

Just a shift of my weight could change his future. It's not a little change, either, like a different school or house. It is different parents, religions, beliefs. He probably wouldn't be a vegetarian. It wouldn't matter anymore, though. I would be long gone by the time that choice has to be made.

I love him so much, though. That is about all I love right now, besides the rest of my family and friends. I love nothing about myself, or my life. My life has been miserable since I left the lads.

I miss them so much, but it wouldn't have worked out if I stayed. I think I've heard that they are going on tour or something? I haven't paid much attention, since I was still pissed at Louis. I scan the ground once more before lifting my eyes to the sky. I bring my face up with them.

I close my eyes when I feel the wind dry them. The wind blows the hair from my face as I shuffle forwards slightly, leaning slightly toward my death. I want to jump so bad. I want to fall and end my misery. End the confusion, heartbreak, bad luck, and everything else about my life that sucks. End my life in general.

A tear leaks out from under my tightly closed eyelid. I feel it slowly run halfway down my cheek before it is dried by the wind. I feel more come, and don't try to stop them. I block out the rest of the world as I focus on myself and the wind. The tears drench my cool cheeks. Autumn in Canada is chilly! I slide my sneakers forward a little more, until I can bend my toes down over the edge. I want to just lean forward and fall. Fall and end it all.

Rhyme my words before I die. I can die a poet. Ha-ha. And a comedian.

I want to just lean forward and get rid of everything that has happened that is bad. That is 99.99% of my entire life. Thomas William Tomlinson is one of the few good things. I resist the urge to throw myself over, for him. For my one and only little baby with a beating heart.

More tears come and I lower my head. I remember Charles. My little baby Charlie. Oh, God, I miss him. I want to join him so bad, but he is with Davey. David Junior. Whatever he should be called. He is with all of our old pets. All of our deceased family. All our friends who passed on. He is okay.