A Silent Scream

Drowning.

I was drowning in water and being choked by a face I couldnt recognize. As I tried to picture who it was I was awoken by my alarm clock. Of course I would have this nightmare three nights in a row.

As the sun shined bright, I got ready and head to work. It was an entirely new workplace for me and everyone was entirely fresh for me. I came across few customers from whom I interacted with only to find out I was a part of their business schemes.

Gosh the world is all business. My dad was right when he said that. I always looked at the world in a form of art. The way humans would bring about their passions and make them feel alive. The way lovers would express themselves. The way the birds would fly for you and the trees stand tall. The way everyone cared and spread love. The way the sky was always beautifully blue and the stars shined so bright.  

But as I grew older it all changed. People came to you only when they needed something. Everyone thought about themselves.  Even those you never expected. From then on I realized I dont need anyone. I am my own team. I reminded myself if I want to be strong then I have to learn to fight alone.

It was a long day at work and finally as I went home , I hit my bed again. The only place where I feel at home and not so alone. But as i hid my face in my pillow, it was all rushing back... the pain was hurting all over. I felt like there was nothing left. No purpose, no me. The black hole pulled me back in. I was drowing again.

The tears were slowly crawling down my cheek; their texture of softness drenched my face as they slowly disappeared into my skin. My pillow was now wet and I flipped it over only to fill the other side with more tears in less than five minutes.

I reminded myself I had to be strong. But my emotions were uncontrollable. It was in me for a while. I thought work, school, social gatherings, parties and alcohol would erase the pain. But the pain only grew stronger like a knife piercing through my heart and wounding me enternally. I didnt know who to trust and I lost myself behind. Who was there to listen to me other than my own mind?

I feel suffocated from my own soul. As if I am drowning in water and staying there. I know how to swim out, but for some reason it's more comforting drowning. There's silence here .. so peaceful and pure...just as beautiful as my silent scream.