I'll Look After You

Chapter 6

My heart has started to separate
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"I think I'm ready to talk to him now," Meredith announced to her small group of friends as she and Alex arrived early that day. They all looked at her as if she had two heads. "What?"

"Just do it after work, okay?" Christina sighed, knowing where this was going to lead to once again. Tears. "We wouldn't want to scare away the patients with your tear-stricken, swollen eyes."

Her day went past her like a zoom. The end of the day came to a screeching halt before her and she knew it was time to face the music. She hasn't seen him all day and she had no idea if he even went to work, but it was unlike him to skip work even for a small thing like their divorce. Nothing could stop Derek Shepherd from going to work. She stood in front of his office's door and she opened it cautiously and peeked inside. He was sitting on the couch, his face buried in his hands. She gently tapped the door to announce her presence. He uncovered his face and he looked at who was at the door, his face fell when he saw that it was her. He stood up and he waited for her to completely come in before he finally spoke. "Mer."

She ran the palm of her hands on her pants nervously. "I think we need to talk."

He looked at her for a second before finally nodding. "I think we do."

She honestly didn't know where to start. And the fast beating of her heart was making it harder for her to even think of anything coherent at the moment. She decided to sit down on the couch and she looked up at him consciously and he matched her stare. If Christina was here, she would have laughed at them and their supposedly 'talk'. They stared at each other for at least a minute before Derek went down on his knees and took her hands in his. He squeezed them tightly before he closed his eyes and buried his face on her lap. He stayed that way for a few seconds before he finally whispered, his voice muffled. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

"Do you love her?" her voice didn't crack as she expected it to. It came out strong which was so unlike her. She felt his head move out of its current position and he looked up at her, her breath hitched when she saw that he was crying. She wanted to reach over and wipe away his tears but she stopped herself. She repeated her question. "Do you love her?"

"I love you," he replied, his voice cracked and it came out weak, as if it were a whisper.

"You didn't answer my question."

"I love you, Mer, that's all that matters."

"You think it's that easy?" Meredith pushed his hand away from hers. He looked at her, his eyes full of questions that needed to be answered. But there was only one question that needed to be answered and Meredith had the answer, she knows. She knows that he loves Addison.

"No," Derek shook his head, his teary eyes gazing into hers, trying to find a way to convince her to stay with him. "It's not that easy but I'm making it that easy, Mer. I love you. I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. Please, just... I-I can't live without you, Mer."

"Then what the hell were the last five months, Derek?" she spoke with anger. He really was blind as a fool. "Did you even know that I was right beside you? I was there but you couldn't see me, Derek! I was there! You!" Meredith pointed a finger at him. "You were the one who wasn't there." She paused, thinking of what she about to say next. This time she spoke softly. "I can't live without you, Derek." A sad smile adorned her face as she realized the irony of things. "But the last five months, you taught me how to live without you. And I thank you for that."

She couldn't take it anymore, she wanted to breathe, to escape. She stood up and she pried herself away from him.

"Mer," Derek held on to the edge of her scrub top and he grabbed a fistful of it to get a better hold of her. He stood up slowly and his hands went up to her face, he placed his hands firmly on the sides of her face and he brought his close to hers. He shook his head slowly as he looked her in the eyes. "Mer, no. Please, no."

"Tell me you don't love her," she closed her eyes and she felt his soft lips gently brushing hers. "Tell me that you don't love her." She kept her eyes closed, waiting for his words, but they never came. She opened her eyes and she knew that she just lost him there and there. She wanted to deny it, but it was hard to deny when the thing you want to deny was already staring you straight in the face.

"You can't even lie for me. You can't even..." She wasn't about to cry. No she wasn't, not if she could help it. She grabbed his hands and she pried them off of her face. She brought them down and she stepped away from him but he didn't let go of her hands. He held on tightly but she was stronger, she felt stronger. She pulled her hands away as she stepped further from him, he held on till it was only the tip of their fingers that touched and then she was gone.

Addison entered his office an hour later. He was sitting on the couch, still trying to absorb what has just happened to him an hour ago. His eyes met hers and he looked at her with wonder. He sighed, he was tired. He was really tired. "I love you." He uttered weakly. "I love you and I love Meredith. And I can't stop loving you even if she asks me." He noticed the way her face fell. He didn't know if it was out of pity or something else.

"You don't love me," she said softly as she shook her head. "You don't love me, Derek. You just feel responsible for me because you felt that you didn't give me a chance the last time." Derek looked at her, confused. "But you did give me a chance, Derek. I was the one who ruined our marriage, Derek. Don't let me ruin yours again. You don't love me, Derek. You love Meredith."

"You're my best friend, Addie, you always were."

"What we have is nothing but friendship, Derek. I'm your friend. What you have with Meredith is love. She's your best friend now, Derek. She's your best friend. She's your family. She's all you've got. You belong with her. You need to take care of her. You need to show her that it was her all along," Addison sat beside him and squeezed his hand.

"I can't live without her, Addie, she's everything," Derek confessed. "These past few months... I have taken her for granted." He realized it now. He accepted his faults. "Cos' I wanted to fix things between us, I wanted to make it up to you."

"Everything between us has been okay, Derek," Addison told him. "It was me who wanted to hold on to you. I wanted things to be the way they were and when you started to be friendly with me again... I forgot that you already have someone." It was a confession from her.

"Addie, it's not your fault..."

"If you don't blame me, Derek, then you've got no one else to blame," Addison reminded him. Derek looked at her and shook his head, determined. "So blame me. Blame me and make things right with her."

"No, it's my fault, Addie. I was the one who wanted to make things up with you. I was the one who spent less time with his wife and more time with someone else. I was the one who..." He looked at her as the reality hit him straight in the face. "I was the one who ruined our marriage..."

"Derek," Addison placed a hand on his shoulder gently. "M-maybe you need to take some time off... Go somewhere... Think... Then you could clear your mind and when you get back here... You two could fix things..."

"Wouldn't it be too late then?" He asked. He didn't want to go and leave things the way they are. He wanted to make things right. He wanted things to be the way they were. He wanted Meredith by his side, her ceaseless snoring waking him up in the morning. Her giggle when his stubble tickles her in the morning as he kissed her. Her morning argument with the coffee machine that wouldn't work properly. He wanted his wife back... All he wanted was to have her back... But he knew he wouldn't have her back until he clears out his mind and tell her that he loves her, only her... But did he really?
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