and when i break (it's in a million pieces) - a kanej fic

Part 5

Present day:

When her breathing steadied and tears no longer threatened the corners of her eyes, Inej picked herself from the dusty rooftop and began to scout her way across the city. She should've known she wouldn't have been able to make it on foot -- not on today of all days.

She felt the familiar weight of her gloves in her pocket.

Grief weighed heavy in her chest, but she pushed past it. Wylan and Jesper would be expecting her. Nina would arrive in a few hours with Hanne, and for a little while, they'd all be a family again.

She imagined what dinner would be like.

Jesper and Nina would be the life of the party, as always. The servants would bring steaming silver trays of fine meats and sauteed vegetables. Wylan and Hanne would sit beside each other and discuss the outdoors, the flowers in the garden and the great wonders of the world, and how they might pry Jesper and Nina away from each other at the end of the night. Marya might even join them, though she sometimes preferred to remain in her studio all day, painting until she fell asleep. With her memory nearly fully restored, Marya had become a more constant appearance in the Van Eck-Fahey household, and Inej always felt drawn to her whenever she was around. She had a calming presence, and Inej understood her appreciation for silence.

As the evening wore on, they'd all retreat to the parlor for drinks and dessert, after which Nina and Hanne would be nearly inseparable. Nina would shamelessly steal kisses from them. Hanne would laugh as Jesper pelted them with walnuts from a crystal bowl and Wylan would laugh and catch Inej's eye with a shake of his head, as if to say, "Look at them, these people we love."

As Inej made her way through East Stave by the rooftops, she remembered flashes of her life in the city, with him. Looking down at the bustling street, she spotted two girls tucked into a doorway, steaming cups of what was likely hot chocolate held in their hands. Even from a distance, Inej could see how openly enamored with each other they were. So when the taller, redhead girl leaned down to give the other a chaste kiss, Inej couldn't help but feel her stomach twist.

Inej remembered the first time they kissed like it was yesterday, a moment so crystalized and golden that it was seared into her mind forever. It had been a little over a year since she'd first left Ketterdam to hunt slavers, and she'd grown and changed so much in that time.

They'd been standing in Kaz's old office in the Slat, and Inej had been telling him about her most recent takedown of a slaving ship. She'd rescued fourteen girls, all between the ages of nine and seventeen, and two of the older girls had even chosen to join her crew when they docked in the nearest harbor. She'd had a feeling they might, and was all too pleased to offer them a bunk and a pair of boots when they asked her if they could stay. She was just about to tell him how she planned to train them with knives in a couple of days when she caught his expression.

His face had been perfectly blank, as yielding as a stone sculpture, but his eyes were the color of the sea during a storm -- a roiling, bitter black.

"Kaz?" she'd asked tentatively, and suddenly he was by her side, the strange intensity in his eyes burning even brighter up close.

"Can I," he'd pulled a thin black cloth from his pocket in a single swift motion, "Can we try something?"

And all at once, Inej had understood. She'd felt butterflies kick up in her gut, but she'd nodded.

Tentatively, Kaz had reached up to her face with the cloth. His fingers brushed lightly over her cheeks, and he shivered, the delicate press of skin the only thing holding the cloth in place. Inej felt the light material brush her lips like a kiss, and had to fight back a shiver of her own.

They just stood there for a moment, taking each other in, giving the other a chance to back out if they wanted to. Neither moved. Then, just as Inej thought he might lean in, Kaz shook his head and pulled the cloth from her mouth.

"No," Inej had tried not to let the swoop of disappointment in her stomach get to her. He needed more time, she understood. She was grateful he'd even wanted to try.

Suddenly, she'd felt the cool press of silk in her own hands, and realized that Kaz had dropped it into her open palm.

"You do it."

It was an act of trust. He trusted her; with his life, with his heart, with his shame.

Silently, she'd brought the cloth to his face, noticing the way he didn't even tense when her bare fingers brushed his skin. She'd looked into his eyes, the color of a calming storm, and waited. He dipped his chin in consent, and that was all it took.

She'd kissed him.

It was everything she'd ever dreamed, everything her father had told her in stories or Nina had recounted to her on one of their many nights spent side by side. He cupped her chin lightly.

And it was perfect.

And when his bare hand had come up to grip the back of her head, tangling in waves of hair, she'd felt a tear slip down her cheek. A tear of happiness. Of healing. Of there's a tomorrow if we want it.

It had been one of the happiest moments of her life.

And as she sped farther along the rooftops, lights sparkling through shining eyes, she felt her chest fill with a little warmth-- the last ember of a fire coaxed into a temporary life. Sliding down a drainage pipe, Inej realized where she'd unintentionally led herself.

Zentsbridge.

Her throat tightened.